


Drip Drop, Love Stop

by flower_girl



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Domestic Fluff, F/M, First Love, M/M, Memory Loss, Small Towns, semi-angst????
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-16
Updated: 2019-01-16
Packaged: 2019-10-11 02:31:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 42,083
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17438219
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/flower_girl/pseuds/flower_girl
Summary: A lot of things in Jongin's life haven't turned out the way he wanted to but fate gives him a second chance and he grabs it, even though he knows he'll eventually lose out in the end because why wait for the rain when you can enjoy the sun?





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Heavily inspired by the movie Be With You!

_Once upon a time there was a mommy penguin who lived in Cloudland and everyday she looked at earth through a small hole in her cloud and she would cry but she didn’t know why._

_Then one day, the raindrop train came by and took her down to earth during the first day of the rainy season. The raindrop train dropped her off at the train station and she saw a little baby penguin in a yellow rain jacket waiting for her._

_Mommy penguin and baby penguin spent a lot of time together, playing and laughing and both of them didn’t cry anymore. They played card games and read books and went down the slide together at the playground. Mommy penguin and baby penguin were both very happy and all they did was smile. They loved each other very much._

_The raindrop fairy came down to earth to visit mommy penguin though and she said, “You must get back on the raindrop train before the last cloud disappears otherwise you can never go back to Cloudland.” And then mommy penguin knew that it was almost her time to leave._

_On the first day after the rainy season ended, when the sun began to peek through the clouds again, mommy penguin and baby penguin walked back to the train station._

_“I have to go back to Cloudland,” Mommy penguin told her baby sadly. Baby penguin cried and held on tightly to mommy penguin. He didn’t want her to leave again._

_“Mommy isn’t leaving you forever,” she told him, giving him the biggest hug she could. “We will see each other again one day, when we meet each other in Cloudland. I’ll be waiting for you everyday until you come but that’s not going to be for a very long time.”_

_“But I’m going to miss you,” Baby penguin cried._

_“If you miss me, you can find me right here,” Mommy penguin gently poked at his heart. “I’ll always be right here with you. If you’re good, the raindrop fairy might let me visit you in secret too. You won’t know but mommy might come see you again.”_

_“Why won’t I know?” Baby penguin asked with a sniffle._

_“Because mommy might not look like mommy. Your brain won’t know it’s mommy but your heart will. So keep me in here,” she taps his chest again, “and you’ll be able to see me again.”_

_Baby penguin holds her hand against his chest and he nods with another sniffle._

_“Goodbye my baby penguin. I love you,” Mommy penguin whispers one last time._

_“I love you too,” Baby penguin whispers back. Then he blinks and when opens up his eyes, Mommy penguin is gone and the sun is shining brightly where she used to be._

_So mommy penguin takes the raindrop train back to Cloudland and every day she looks through her little cloud hole to see her baby penguin. Mommy penguin doesn’t cry anymore though, because she knows her baby penguin is going to be okay and that they will see each other again._

 

_October 23, 2017_

Taeho closes his book, his hand running over the penguin painted on the back cover. It’s baby penguin with a happy smile on his face. His dress pants are itchy and uncomfortable and he squirms around in them. He can’t wait to go home and take them off and change into his pajamas. He hasn’t been home in three days now. Home has no mommy anymore.

“What are they going to do?” He hears hushed whispers outside of the little closet he’s hidden in. “The child is still so young and I have no hope for the father.”

“No family to help out either,” another woman tsks. “This is why it’s bad to have children out of wedlock. They went against both of their family’s wishes.”

“If we hadn’t worked with her we wouldn’t even be here,” the first woman sighs. “Those poor souls. They’ll need so much help.”

“The father is good looking. He’ll be able to pick up another wife soon enough,” the other woman says. “It’s only the boy I worry about.”

Taeho peeks out from behind the curtain, his eyes roaming for his dad. He finds him slumped against the wall next to the casket. Dad is wearing a wrinkled suit, his messy hair falling into his eyes. Taeho looks up at the picture frame above the casket. His mom is smiling so beautifully and he holds his book tightly against his chest. He misses her already. He can’t wait for the raindrop train to bring her back.

 

_July 1st, 2018_

It’s the blaring of an alarm clock that wakes Jongin up at 4:45 in the morning just like it always does. He pushes the button to make it stop and fumbles around for the lamp on the floor, turning the switch on before tossing a thin blanket over it, so it’s not too bright for Taeho. The seven year old is snoring lightly beside him and he tucks the blankets tighter.

He manages to get ready in fifteen minutes, brushing his teeth through bleary eyes and splashing cold water over his face to make him just a little more awake. He changes out of his pajamas into a pair of cotton shorts and an old t-shirt. Jongin checks on Taeho one last time, the boy still deep asleep and then he quietly shuts the door and locks the front door before getting on his old bike and starting his morning trip down to the senior community center.

They live in a small town, about three hours away from Seoul. Jongin moved here because Junmyeon was here. He dropped out of university and followed Junmyeon here because at the time, that seemed like the only option he had in life. Although their town is small, it’s still bustling with life, the population just shy of 3,000. It’s the perfect place to raise a family, with a wonderful school system and plenty of nature to explore and learn from. It’s why Jongin and Jisoo had decided to stay here and raise Taeho.

Over the bridge and across the main road, it takes Jongin another fifteen minutes to get to the senior center. While the town is popular for small families, the old folks also love it here. The senior center is always busy with activity, whether it’s the ahjummas strolling along the garden and planting their own peppers or the ahjussies playing go stop in one of the common rooms they have.

Jongin works at the pool. In the morning he scrubs down the tiles and checks the filters and cleans up the changing rooms. Then during the day, he’s in charge of handing out locker keys and monitoring the water aerobic sessions in the pool along with making sure everything is locked up when it’s closing time. It’s not the job he imagined he would end up with but he’s not complaining because it keeps the food on the table and their water and electricity running. A lot of things in his life haven’t turned out the way he imagined but he has Taeho and really, that’s all that matters. Working with the seniors are nice too. The old ladies are always doting over him and Taeho and they get pre-made, home cooked meals every once in a while.

When he’s done scrubbing the pool tiles and watering everything down, he locks up the center again and bikes back home. The sun is up now and more cars are on the road. He unlocks the front door, everything just the way he left it.

At 7:45 he’s managed to almost burn the eggs on the pan once again and he’s scraping the last spoonfuls of rice out of the rice cooker into a small bowl for Taeho.

“Taeho!” He calls out as he takes the pan off the burner and sets it on a tattered oven mitt. “It’s time to get up, son! You’ll be late for school.”

There’s no response and he makes sure to turn off the stove before walking down the hall to their bedroom. He cracks the door open and Taeho isn’t on the floor that they share. Jongin lets out a sigh and closes the door again.

“Did you go and sleep in mommy’s wardrobe again?” He asks, opening the door across from theirs. It used to be his and Jisoo’s room, the only room with an actual bed in it. No one’s slept on the bed since she’s died though.

He opens the antique wardrobe against the wall and to no one’s surprise, Taeho is sleeping on top of the mats stuck in there, one of the long hanging sleeves of Jisoo’s dress curled in between his fingers. Jongin gently shakes him awake.

“Time to get up,” he says. “I’ve made breakfast already.”

“Did you burn the eggs?” Taeho yawns, rubbing at his eyes.

“Just like always,” Jongin chuckles.

“I can smell it,” Taeho wrinkles his nose.

“And you’re gonna eat it,” Jongin tickles him lightly. “Now let’s get up. It’s Monday!”

While Jongin tries to tidy up his mess around the kitchen, he can hear Taeho hopping around the house, trying to find his school clothes and homework that he left everywhere last night. The seven year old manages to get himself all buttoned up and halfway through breakfast when the weather report comes up on the TV and he all but abandons his burnt eggs with ketchup on the side, scrambling to the living room and turning the volume up.

“ _...heavy clouds all over the western area, signaling the beginning of the rainy season. It is forecasted that this will be one of the longest rainy seasons we’ve had in a few decades with averages of about 70% chance of rain every day. We hope you’ve all got your umbrellas ready. We’ll be needing them in a few days,”_ the weather announcer says with a smile as the screen switches back to the main announcers.

“Dad, is it going to rain today?” Taeho asks excitedly, running to their sliding door on the balcony and opening it, sticking his hand out and waiting for water to hit his palm.

“It looks pretty sunny to me,” Jongin says. Taeho pouts before sliding the door closed and locking it.

“I want it to rain already,” he says, returning to his breakfast and letting his fork twirl his eggs around.

“Why do you want it to rain so much?” Jongin asks, sitting down to drink his morning coffee. It burns bitterly down his throat but he’s going to need the caffeine to keep him going throughout the day.

“So I can see mommy again,” Taeho smiles happily. “She promised me that we would meet again on the first day it rained.”

Jongin purses his lips together, a hollowness forming in his chest. He doesn’t know how to tell his son that it’s just a book. Jisoo isn’t coming back ever. She can’t.

His phone alarm buzzes and he nearly jumps at the sound.

“We’re going to be late,” Jongin says, tipping the rest of his coffee into his mouth and swallowing it quickly. Taeho shovels the rest of his eggs and rice into his mouth and he’s still chewing as Jongin helps him with his backpack and shoes.

“Dad, your medicine!” Taeho reminds him. Jongin nods and grabs a small orange vial off the top of the fridge, uncapping it and tipping a little pill into his hands before swallowing it dry.

“Let’s go now,” He ushers Taeho out the door. The boy stops by a picture frame, a picture of him and his mommy taken last year a few months before she left for Cloudland, and kisses her square on the mouth.

“Goodbye, mommy,” he whispers with a smile before he hops out the door and down the steps. Jongin kisses the picture’s cheek and then he’s gone too.

He drops Taeho off by the school gate and watches as the boy meets up with his friends and disappears in between the school doors. Then he’s pedaling down the road back to the senior center.

 

Work goes by slow as usual. After he passes out the locker room keys to the usual crowd of grandmas that come in for the afternoon water aerobics session, he’s just sitting at the front desk, twiddling his thumbs. Ten minutes pass by of restless boredom and he clicks open the Internet browser on the desk computer. The homepage pops up and plastered in big bold letters on the _Hot News_ section is a headline that he doesn’t want to read.

 

_FIRST SON, DOH KYUNGSOO’S FIANCÉE SPOTTED WEDDING SHOE SHOPPING_

 

Jongin exits the browser immediately. There’s a reason why he hasn’t been on the Internet too much in the past few months. The web is obsessed with the news of President’s son’s upcoming wedding, reporting on every tiny detail such as guest announcements and potential floral arrangements and even what lingerie shops the lucky bride has been visiting lately. It all makes Jongin sick to his stomach. Kyungsoo is getting married in four months. Jongin hasn’t seen him in nine years.

 

“Why can’t you just dive in and get it,” Jongin’s boss, Mr. Lee complains as Jongin uses a long net to try and fish out a stray water bottle that had fallen into the pool during open swim. The seniors are all gathered into one half of the pool as Jongin stretches his arm out further. He doesn’t answer his boss.

“What’s the point of being young with a nice body of you can’t even swim,” Mr. Lee chastises him. Jongin ignores him again, finally scooping the bottle up and pulling the net in towards him.

“Oh good job, Jongin!” One of the grandmas praises him. “We would’ve tried to get it ourselves but the deep end is just too scary. I’ll bake you a batch of cookies for tomorrow.”

“It’s my job,” Jongin shrugs back simply. He does appreciate the free cookies though. He knows Taeho will too.

 

He meets Taeho at Junmyeon’s bar at five in the evening. Junmyeon is his older cousin and Jongin is truly grateful to have him in his life. After school has ended, Taeho takes the school bus down to Junmyeon’s bar and waits for Jongin to get off work. The bar opens at 4:30 but there usually aren’t many patrons until after 7 so it’s safe for the boy to hang out on the counter and do his homework while he waits. Junmyeon adores Taeho too and would never let anything bad happen to the kid.

“Dad, can we have dinner here tonight?”  Taeho asks as Jongin slides into a stool next to him. Jongin thinks of their empty cupboard at home and the expired milk in the fridge. He burned the last of their eggs this morning too.

“Sure,” he pulls a smile across his face.

“I’m gonna guess fried chicken and nachos?” Junmyeon swings by, his black apron tied low across his waist.

“You know us too well,” Jongin chuckles.

“It’s on the house,” Junmyeon says. “You guys are my taste testers for my new wings. I added a secret ingredient.”

“A secret ingredient!” Taeho gasps. “I want to know!”

“But then it wouldn’t be a secret,” Junmyeon smiles at him.

“I promise I won’t tell anyone!” Taeho says, the excitement wild in his big eyes. “I’ll keep my mouth shut! You can trust me!”

“You won’t even tell dad?” Junmyeon asks him.

“Not even dad,” Taeho holds out his pinky finger towards Junmyeon. The older man hooks his finger with Taeho’s.

“I’ll trust you then,” he nods. Jongin watches amusedly as Junmyeon leans in close to Taeho’s ears and whispers to him. Taeho’s eyes widen and then he smiles.

“So you really aren’t going to tell me?” Jongin asks when Taeho and Junmyeon separate.

“I made a promise, dad, and promises aren’t supposed to be broken,” Taeho announces.

“That’s my boy!” Junmyeon hi-fives him. He disappears back into the kitchen and Jongin helps Taeho with some math homework as they wait for their food.

The main bartender, Sehun gives Jongin a Cass and a glass of lemonade for Taeho. Sometimes on Friday’s, he’ll even make a milkshake for Taeho if he’s been extra good at school.

Then Joohyun brings out their food and Jongin thanks her before wrapping a makeshift napkin bib around Taeho’s neck. The boy only has four school uniforms and three of them still need to be washed from last week. Dinner is spent at the bar counter in dim lighting as Taeho tells Jongin all about his day at school. They’re learning about butterflies because they’ll soon be raising caterpillars and then releasing them in the fall when they turn into butterflies. Jongin listens enthusiastically, stopping to wipe his son’s mouth every once in a while and making sure he’s drinking enough of his lemonade so he doesn’t choke. When they’re done, he tips both Joohyun and Sehun even though they deny it vehemently but he ends up sticking it underneath the tray anyways.

“I’ll see you tomorrow, Uncle Junmyeon!” Taeho calls out as he grabs his backpack and heads outside first.

“Wait,” Junmyeon shuffles out of the kitchen and pulls on the back of Jongin’s shirt. “I need to have a short word with you.”

“What about?” Jongin asks, peeking out the glass window to make sure Taeho is still in sight. The boy is crouched down and petting the cat belonging to the flower shop next door.

“My brother has a friend-,” Junmyeon starts out.

“I don’t want to hear about it,” Jongin shrugs his shoulder away.

“Come on, Jongin. Just give her a chance,” Junmyeon says. “One date doesn’t hurt.”

“I don’t want to date anyone,” Jongin says. “I’m fine with just me and Taeho. I don’t need anyone else.”

“He’s moved on,” Junmyeon says firmly, grabbing his shoulder one last time. It hurts more to hear the words from someone who cares about him. He rather read the headlines and articles. “It’s time that you did too.”

“Not now, Junmyeon,” Jongin says, moving away again. He exits the bar and grabs his bike, calling for Taeho. The boy obediently responds and then they’re on their way home.

Their night routine is as usual. Taeho finishes up on homework while Jongin tries to tidy the house up somehow. It’s hard to do and there’s always either laundry to be done or dishes in the sink but Jongin is only one person. He’s trying his best though and he thinks that it counts.

They shower together to save water and because Taeho still doesn’t scrub his head well and Jongin doesn’t want him smelling at school. Taeho claims that he doesn’t know how to do it but Jongin just thinks he enjoys the extra time between dad and son.

By ten, Taeho is out like a light, sprawled out against their thick mattress on the floor. Jongin is lying next to him, one arm tucked underneath his head. His mind lingers on Junmyeon’s words. _Time to move on._ Jongin knows he should. He really should. But it’s hard to do when there’s a constant reminder lying right next to him every single night.

 

_July 3rd, 2018_

“What’s with the face, kiddo?” Junmyeon asks Taeho as he approaches him with a hot fudge sundae. The boy has been looking a little down ever since he’s walked through the doors.

“Uncle Junmyeon,” Taeho sighs. “Why can’t my dad do a lot of things?”

“What do you mean?” Junmyeon asks, taking a seat.

“Like driving and running and swimming,” Taeho says. His dad can’t do any of those things and he’s never understood why. Junmyeon purses his lips, trying to think of an easy way to explain it.

“Taeho, dad has a bike, right?” Junmyeon asks.

“Of course he does!” Taeho nods his head. “He rides it every day!”

“Does dad’s bike always work really well?” Junmyeon asks.

“Sometimes it breaks down,” Taeho tells him. “When he’s super busy and uses it too much, the chain gets rusty and he forgets to put grease on it. Then we have to call in to work and school so that dad can fix his bike or walk to the shop to get a new chain or more grease.”

“Your dad is like a bike,” Junmyeon tells him. “He works really well but if works too hard or too much he might break down too. The medicine that he takes, it’s like his grease. It keeps him going but he still can’t do extra things, otherwise he might become broken. We don’t want dad to become broken, right?”

“No,” Taeho shakes his head back and forth. “I want dad to stay just like he is!”

“That’s why he can’t do those other things,” Junmyeon nods at him. “Why did you ask though?”

“I’m the fastest in my class and they made me a runner in the father-student relay race for Parent’s Day on Friday,” Taeho says with a small frown. “But dad won’t be able to run with me.”

“It’s okay that dad won’t be able to,” Junmyeon comforts him. “I’ll run with you!”

“But are you fast, Uncle Junmyeon?” Taeho asks.

“Of course I am!” Junmyeon takes his shoulders and shakes him lightly. “I was the fastest in my entire class from when I was your age up to high school! I could outrun a cheetah!”

“Really?” Taeho asks, hopping out of his seat, sounding excited.

“Yes!” Junmyeon nods. “I promise you, we’re going to win that race!”

“Yay!” Taeho cheers waving his hands in the air. “I’m going to ask dad if he can take off work and watch us! Then we can all have pizza together with all my classmates too!”

“I think we will all enjoy that,” Junmyeon ruffles his hair. Taeho feels better after that. He’s going to win the race but most importantly he’s also going to make sure that his dad doesn’t break.

 

“And he said he was faster than a cheetah!” Taeho recalls as he slurps up his ramen.

“Uncle Junmyeon told you that?” Jongin raises his eyebrow amusedly.

“We’re going to win on Friday and then my class is going to have pizza. You’ll come right, dad? Even though you can’t race with me, you can still come to the picnic.”

“Of course I’ll come,” Jongin nods.

“Dad,” Taeho starts again, picking his peas out of his ramen broth.

“Yes, son?” Jongin hums.

“Is it okay for two boys to kiss?” Taeho asks. Jongin is a little stunned by this but he regains his composure.

“Of course it is,” he says. “I kiss you all the time.”

“Not like that,” Taeho says. “But like when a girlfriend and a boyfriend kiss, but instead it’s two boys.”

“Then they’re called a boyfriend and a boyfriend,” Jongin explains. “And yes it’s okay. It’s completely fine.”

“So Uncle Junmyeon and Sehun are boyfriends?” Taeho asks. Jongin chokes at this.

“Where did you hear that from?” He asks after gulping down his water.

“I saw Sehun kiss Uncle Junmyeon on the lips when he walked into the bar. They thought I was in the bathroom but I already came out,” Taeho explains.

“I need to talk to your Uncle Junmyeon,” Jongin says.

“Don’t tell him it was me who saw them!” Taeho says. “Then Sehun won’t make me milkshakes anymore!”

“You’re not in trouble,” Jongin laughs. “And I’m sure Sehun will always make you milkshakes.”

“Are they going to get married?” Taeho asks, a soft look in his eyes. “I’ve never been to a wedding before! Who’s going to wear the pretty white dress?”

“There doesn’t have to be a pretty white dress,” Jongin tells him. “Your mommy wore yellow when we got married.”

“She always told me she wanted a pretty white dress though,” Taeho says, swirling his noodles around. “Maybe she would’ve liked a big, floofy one like the one we saw on TV in class today.”

“Why were you looking at wedding dresses in class?” Jongin asks.

“We were watching the news and they were talking about a wedding,” Taeho says. “It’s going to be held at a big fancy hotel and even the President is going! Mrs. Kang says that it’s going to be a very expensive but pretty wedding. I wish we were invited but only famous people get to go.”

“Little people like us don’t get invited to fancy weddings like that,” Jongin sighs. He wouldn’t want to go anyways.

“When mommy comes back, let’s do a fancy wedding for her,” Taeho says. “It doesn’t have to be at a hotel but let’s make it really nice for her. Let’s get her a pretty white dress this time.”

“Okay,” Jongin forces a smile and a nod. One day he’ll have to tell Taeho the truth but today is just not that day.

 

_July 5th, 2018_

“Uncle Junmyeon, are you sure you’re okay?” Taeho asks worriedly, seeing the wrap around the man’s ankle.

“All good!” Junmyeon smiles. “Just a little sprain.”

“What happened?” Taeho asks.

“Your Uncle was a dummy and fell off a stool yesterday when he was trying to change a light bulb,” Sehun says, supporting the other man. “He’s lucky I was there otherwise his whole leg would be casted right now.”

“But you still want to run?” Taeho asks, holding the blue jersey in his hands. “Will you be safe?”

“I’m going to be perfectly fine!” Junmyeon chirps. “I wouldn’t miss your race for anything! I promised you we were going to win.”

“But your ankle,” Taeho points.

“It’s just a sprain,” Junmyeon waves it off. “I can still run.”

“Hyung, you can’t even walk by yourself,” Sehun points out.

“That doesn’t mean I can’t run!” Junmyeon replies.

“Taeho,” a group of boys call him over. Taeho looks at them and runs over.

“Is that the person who’s supposed to be in the race with you?” One of them asks him.

“Yeah,” Taeho nods.

“You said he was faster than a cheetah,” another boy remembers. “But what’s that on his ankle? He can’t even stand straight.”

“He fell off a chair last night,” Taeho mumbles. “But he said he can still run!”

“We’re going to come in last,” the boys moan.

“Your dad is here, right?” They turn to ask one of the other boys. “He’s a police officer so he can run fast to catch bad guys! You guys can race instead of Taeho.”

“But I was supposed to do it,” Taeho says, his lower lip beginning to tremble.

“We want to win though,” one of the boys reminds him. “You can race next year when your uncle’s ankle is healed.”

Taeho looks at the blue jersey in his hands and then back to Uncle Junmyeon, who’s having a hard time standing up even with Sehun holding him. He bites his lip and slowly hands over the jersey. It’s for the best. His classmates really want to win.

 

Jongin is standing on top of a ladder, one of the legs balanced on a mat in the pool and the other on the deck of the pool. One of the lights went out and he’s in charge of changing the bulb.

“You better hurry if you want to get to your kid’s thing,” Mr. Lee tells him from where he’s lounging in one of the pools chairs.

“I’ll make it in time,” Jongin says, screwing the covering back over the bulb and dusting his hands off. He really needs to look into getting LED lights for the pool ceiling so he won’t have to do this again. It’s hardly safe, balancing on top of a ladder in the middle of a pool.

“Don’t fall down now,” Mr. Lee says as Jongin carefully climbs down. “No lifeguard on duty and my bones are too old to be pulling you out.”

“I’ll be fine,” Jongin says as he descends. He safely makes it down to the mat and helps Mr. Lee fold up the ladder before he uses a rope to pull himself back to the pool deck. He checks the wall clock. Two fifteen. Just enough time to make it to see Taeho race.

When he gets to the schoolyard he sees Sehun and Junmyeon standing by a tree. Well it’s more like Sehun is standing. Junmyeon has all his weight supported against the bartender, his ankle tightly wrapped in gauze. He scans the crowd for Taeho and finds him in a group of boys, handing over his relay jersey. Jongin can see the upset frown on his face and his heart aches. He hates it when Taeho is upset. He made a promise to make Taeho the happiest in the world.

Before the other boy can grab the jersey from Taeho, Jongin walks over and grabs both the jersey and Taeho’s hand.

“Dad!” Taeho says shocked. Jongin stops and pulls the jersey over his head.

“We’re going to win,” he tells Taeho. “I’ll run as fast as I can.”

A big smile spreads across Taeho’s face and he practically jumps in the air.

“I’ll run super fast, dad!” Taeho promises. “So you can take it easy when it’s your turn.”

Jongin ends up collapsing towards the end of the race. One of the kids before Taeho had tripped and they were having a hard time catching up. As the last runner, he had sped up and eventually got in the lead. He could see the finish line and all the kids and parents on Taeho’s team were cheering him on. Then his vision got blurry and his legs became weak and he dropped to the floor. He can recall Sehun and Taeho running towards him, Junmyeon hobbling behind them. He doesn’t remember anything else.

He wakes up in the school nurse’s office, Taeho sitting next to him on the bed.

“Dad!” Taeho cries out, throwing himself at Jongin for a hug.

“Did we win?” Jongin croaks out.

“That’s not important,” Taeho cries. “Are you okay?”

“I’m okay,” Jongin nods. “Nothing a little bit of rest won’t fix.”

“Mr. Kim,” the nurse stops by. “Are you feeling better?”

“Yes,” he nods. “I guess I just overexerted myself.”

“The other dad racing with you was an EMT,” she explains. “He said that you were okay. Should I write you a referral to the hospital?”

“No need to,” Jongin answers. “I’ll be fine with some rest at home.”

“I’ll send you two on your way then,” The nurse nods. “If you have any concerning symptoms though, please go to the hospital.”

“Oh I will,” Jongin nods.

Junmyeon and Sehun are waiting for them in front of the school, Jongin’s bike already packed into the back of Sehun’s small pickup.

“You are not fighting me on this, Kim Jongin,” Junmyeon says before Jongin can even open his mouth. “We are driving you home.” Jongin defeatedly nods and climbs into the back seat.

 

It’s six in the evening when Jongin and Taeho are lounging in the living room. Jongin is watching some wrestling on the TV and Taeho is on the floor, building with his Legos. A three-quarters empty pizza box is on the coffee table along with two cans of cola.

It’s 6:15 when there’s the first crack of lightning and then the boom of thunder following. Raindrops begin to hit the house and ground and the sound springs Taeho up to his feet, running to their sliding door and plastering himself against the glass.

“It’s raining,” he whispers excitedly. Before Jongin can even stop him, he’s sprinting towards the hooks near the door and grabbing his rain jacket and sliding into his boots.

“I’ll see you soon, Mommy,” he says, kissing the picture frame and then he’s out of the door and Jongin is still scrambling to find his own jacket and an umbrella.

“Taeho!” Jongin calls out as he makes his way out the door. “Where are you going?”

“To see mommy!” Taeho replies, running ahead. Jongin follows him to make sure he’s safe but he begins to slow down, feeling that familiar burn in his chest. He already collapsed once today. He can’t afford to collapse again.

Taeho is fearless as he trucks his way up the hilly path, rain splattering all around him. It’s time for mommy to come back. He’s going to finally see his mommy again. He doesn’t even know how long it takes but when he finally sees the abandoned train tracks and stop in sight his little legs move even faster and before he knows it, he’s arrived at the small, old train station. It’s covered in green moss and the bricks are wearing down but it has a charm to it and Taeho sits against the building, waiting for mommy to come. The rain isn’t as heavy anymore.

When Jongin finally catches up to Taeho, he can see his little boy huddled up against the old train station. He lets out a sigh and sits next to Taeho.

“No mommy yet?” He asks.

“She’s going to come,” Taeho says firmly. “She promised me.”

They sit there quietly for an hour, the rain eventually slowing to a drizzle and then stopping completely. Jongin can see the hope dying on Taeho’s face but his determination remains in his eyes. He’s really going to sit here all night long until Jisoo shows up.

“Maybe mommy forgot,” Jongin says finally. “We can try again next year.” He makes a move to pick up Taeho but the boy swerves.

“No,” he shakes his head. “Mommy wouldn’t forget. She promised me! She said she was going to come back when it rained!”

“Taeho,” Jongin sighs again, “It’s time to go home. Mommy isn’t coming this time.”

“No!” Taeho stands up and stomps his foot. “She’s coming! Maybe the raindrop train got stuck. We have to go find the train. Mommy is waiting for us!” He takes off sprinting again, even further down the tracks and towards the train tunnel, also mossy green from years of non-use.

“Taeho!” Jongin shouts after him. He runs after the boy, catching him right before he hits the mouth of the tunnel and he scoops him up into his arms. Taeho is hitting his shoulder repeatedly.

“Put me down,” he says. “We need to go find mommy!”

“We need to go home before you get a cold,” Jongin argues back. Taeho keeps on hitting him and Jongin is exhausted now and he takes one step back towards their house. Then they hear a faint groan and both boys freeze.

“Mommy!” Taeho cries out, wriggling his way out of Jongin’s arms and running back into the tunnel.

“Taeho!” Jongin yells at him. “You get back here right now!” Of course the kid doesn’t listen to him and Jongin runs a hand through his hair, frustrated. The noise could be from a bear or a rabid stray dog. Taeho is probably in danger and now it’s up to Jongin to go rescue him.

Jongin runs in the tunnel after Taeho and is surprised to see his son stopped, staring at a figure sitting up against the wall. Great, now he has to report a dead body to the town too. The day just couldn’t get any better.

“Mommy!” Taeho leaps towards the figure and lands in their lap. Jongin is mortified and he tries to pull Taeho off the body when all of a sudden the person moves and groans some more, their eyes slowly blinking awake. Jongin feels his whole world stop as the person gains consciousness, thick eyelashes dusting against plump cheeks with each blink and plump, chapped lips rubbing together.

“Where am I?” The person croaks. Jongin is frozen in place. This can’t be. It’s not possible.

“Mommy!” Taeho cries out, wrapping his arms around the person’s neck and squeezing tightly. “You did come back from Cloudland! Dad said that you forgot but I know you would never forget!”

“Mommy?” The person mumbles, rubbing his head confusedly.

“Mommy, you cut your hair short! Like me!” Taeho continue to ramble. “But you still look super pretty! Should we go home, now? Cloudland is probably lots of fun but I bet you miss home too.”

Jongin watches everything unravel and he’s so confused and still in disbelief but his heart like always, his heart is beating so hard. Kyungsoo is here. He’s not supposed to be here but he is, on the day that Jisoo promised she would come back. What type of sick joke is fate playing on him?

“Dad, carry mommy home,” Taeho climbs off Kyungsoo’s lap. “The train ride must have made her really tired.”

Jongin doesn’t know what compels him to obey but he carefully scoops Kyungsoo up. Either way, he must take the other man to somewhere safer and possibly get him checked up too. Kyungsoo rests limply against his chest. He smells of rain and leaves and he feels so light. His thin white dress shirt has a tear on it and streaks of dirt running through it. Jongin holds him close, making sure he’s still breathing. Kyungsoo seems to become more aware halfway through their trip back home and Taeho doesn’t shut up at all, telling Kyungsoo everything that happened since Jisoo has left.

“Dad missed you a lot too!” The child says. “He still burns our eggs but he’s trying his best! Maybe you should teach him how to cook eggs this time. His ramen is good though!”

“Dad?” Kyungsoo mumbles, making eye contact with Jongin. The taller man feels his ears grow red and he shifts his gaze to the path in front of them. They stop for a short break, sitting down on a broken log. Taeho immediately snuggles up to Kyungsoo, stroking his arms and smelling him.

“I missed you, mommy,” Taeho sighs, resting his head against Kyungsoo. “I knew you would come back with the rain.”

“Who are you?” Kyungsoo asks this time, his voice hesitant.

“I’m your son!” Taeho says. “Mommy, don’t you remember?” Kyungsoo shakes his head.

“I can’t be a mommy,” he says. “I’m a guy.”

“But you look just like my mommy!” Taeho says. “And you were right where mommy said she’d be.”

“Who’s that?” Kyungsoo asks, his gaze pointed at Jongin.

“That’s dad!” Taeho springs up and pulls Jongin closer. “You guys got married before I was born. Do you not remember?”

Kyungsoo shakes his head, looking all too confused. Did he really not remember? Jongin has so many questions to ask him but the man is looking at him like he has three heads.

“Do you know who you are?” Jongin asks him. Kyungsoo shakes his head again.

“You must have hit your head sometime before we found you,” Jongin says. “We’ll take you home and get you treated.” Kyungsoo has no choice but to listen to them and Jongin piggybacks him all the way back to the house.

 

“This is where we lived together!” Taeho says excitedly as he runs up the steps. “You must remember our house, mommy! You worked so hard to make it pretty. All these flowers outside, you and I planted last spring together!”

Jongin brings Kyungsoo inside and gently lets him down. Kyungsoo turns in a full circle, taking in the small house. His eyes are blank and he looks so awkward and uncomfortable.

“We left all your stuff just as it was!” Taeho announces.

“Taeho, do you need to go pee?” Jongin asks.

“No,” Taeho shrugs, making a move to take another big step towards Kyungsoo.

“I think you do,” Jongin says, grabbing him by the armpits and lifting him to the bathroom.

“I don’t!” Taeho demands, kicking his little legs but Jongin drags him to the bathroom and locks the door, setting Taeho down on top of the sink.

“Taeho, this is weird,” Jongin whispers.

“Yeah,” Taeho nods. “Mommy came back as a boy. But she said that my heart would always recognize her and I know that’s mommy. She didn’t say that the raindrop train would make her lose her memory though.”

“What if that isn’t mommy though?” Jongin asks.

“It is!” Taeho argues, sounding very offended. Jongin makes a decision then. A very selfish, foolish decision but he’s always been a weak and desperate man and he’s willing to take whatever scraps fate throws at him.

“We have to be very good then,” Jongin says quietly. “He lost his memory but we can’t tell him about Cloudland or all that other stuff. We might lose him again. The raindrop fairy might not like it that we told him.”

“I’ll be the best boy,” Taeho nods. “I won’t say anything.” They pinky promise on it and Taeho flushes the empty toilet. When they step out of the bathroom, Kyungsoo is wandering around the kitchen.

“You said that we lived here together,” Kyungsoo turns around to face them. “And I let the house get this messy?” Jongin and Taeho’s eyes widen as they quickly scan the house. There are toys all over the floor and dishes overflowing in the sink and they both scramble to their respective areas, Jongin grabbing a sponge and pouring soap onto it while Taeho tosses his toys into their bins.

“You were gone for a little bit,” Jongin says. “And we’ve been busy with other activities.”

“Where did I go?” Kyungsoo asks sitting at the kitchen table. “You mentioned a Cloudland. What’s that?”

Jongin’s eyes widen at this. He wasn’t expecting Kyungsoo to recall any of their earlier conversation.

“Cloudland hospital!” Taeho saves them. “You used to be really sick and you got better. You just went for another checkup. That’s why you were gone.”

“Yeah,” Jongin nods. “You must have gotten into an accident on your way back.”

“And that’s why you don’t remember anything,” Taeho adds.

Kyungsoo doesn’t look entirely convinced but he accepts their explanation with a little nod. Jongin feels his breath leave him finally and he goes back to scrubbing the dishes. He has a lot of thinking to do tonight.

 

“I can take him,” Jongin whispers, peeking into the bedroom. Kyungsoo is lying on the bed, in Jongin’s clothes that are too big on him. Taeho is curled up next to him, clinging onto his arm even though he’s deep asleep. He hasn’t left Kyungsoo alone for one second.

“It’s okay,” Kyungsoo says, looking down at Taeho’s sleeping face. “He must have missed his mommy.”

“You don’t believe us, huh?” Jongin asks, leaning against the doorframe.

“I checked in the bathroom and I’m definitely a guy,” Kyungsoo says. “There’s no way I can be his mommy.”

“You aren’t,” Jongin confirms quietly. Kyungsoo has always been smart. He wouldn’t fall for their badly constructed lie that easily, even with a little memory loss.

“But I know you guys, right?” Kyungsoo asks.

“You do,” Jongin nods silently.

“How?” Kyungsoo presses on.

“I’ll tell you a different night,” Jongin says. “It’s a long story.”

 

 


	2. part ii

 

_July 6th, 2018_

On weekends, Jongin still has to go in early to scrub the pool and the locker rooms but they have part timers take care of the rest of the day shift duties. Like clockwork, he’s up at 5:45 and he checks on Kyungsoo and Taeho in the other bedroom. They’re curled up against each other, Taeho’s head buried into Kyungsoo’s side.

 _Will be back by 7_ , he leaves a note on the kitchen table.

 

Kyungsoo wakes up to the sun warming his face through sheer curtains. He wrinkles his nose a bit and tries to turn but his body is nestled next to another and he looks down and realizes the little boy is still sleeping next to him. _Taeho,_ he recalls. The boy has his arms wrapped around Kyungsoo so tightly that it’s hard to move but somehow the man manages to maneuver himself out of the bed. He finds himself stumbling into the kitchen, his stomach rumbling with faint hunger. He reads the note left on the table and leaves it alone, choosing instead to search through the fridge and cabinets for anything edible. Kyungsoo ends up toasting some bread and spreading honey and butter on each slice.

While he munches, he walks around the house. The natural lighting of the day makes the inside look brighter and he can see things a lot better. The toys Taeho cleaned up last night were halfheartedly stuffed into a box next to the coffee table. The TV remotes were lying on the couch and there was a pile of laundry on the floor. Clean or dirty, Kyungsoo cannot tell. Despite the little messes here and there, the house is quite charming.

He wanders to the low bookcase next to the balcony that is filled with picture frames of Taeho and his dad. There’s a woman in these pictures too. It must be Taeho’s mommy. Kyungsoo has to look at his reflection in the glass sliding door. It’s undeniable that they look eerily similar. Same eyes, same nose and cheekbones. Their smiles are different though. Kyungsoo doesn’t even know what he looks like when he’s smiling but he’s sure it’s different.

The front door creaks open and he jumps a bit, his arms still crossed. It’s the dad, coming back from wherever he went. Kyungsoo looks up at the wall clock. It’s seven on the dot.

“You’re up already,” the dad says, a small, forced smile on his face.

“I saw your note,” Kyungsoo tells him.

“I went to work,” the dad explains.

“Do you usually leave Taeho alone in the mornings like that?” Kyungsoo asks. This seems to fluster the dad, who turns red and tries to sputter out an answer.

“It’s only for an hour,” the dad says. “He sleeps through the entire thing and I lock the house.”

“A locked house won’t keep someone from breaking in if they want to,” Kyungsoo scolds him.

“We’ve been doing fine,” the dad says. “Taeho knows what to do if he’s in danger.”

“I still don’t think it’s safe,” Kyungsoo says with a frown.

“Are you hungry?” The dad asks, turning to walk into the kitchen.

“I had toast,” Kyungsoo tells him. “You’re out of pretty much everything else though.”

“I do need to go grocery shopping,” the dad mumbles quietly.

“I think I need a phone,” Kyungsoo says.

“To call who?” The dad asks. Kyungsoo opens his mouth to reply again but he shuts it promptly. Who would he call? He still can’t remember anything but his name and waking up in that tunnel with Taeho throwing himself into his arms.

“You said that you know who I am,” he says instead. “That must mean you know who I can call or where my home is.”

 

“I don’t,” Jongin shrugs his shoulders through the simple lie. “We haven’t talked in ten years so I don’t know where you live or who you live with it.”

“How am I supposed to get home then?” Kyungsoo asks. “I can’t stay here. There must be people and things waiting for me.” _If only you knew_ , Jongin can’t help but think.

“You can stay with us,” he says, “until your memory returns.” Kyungsoo lets his eyes wander around again and Jongin holds his breath. He wants Kyungsoo to stay, even if it’s just another day or a whole year, all he wants is for Kyungsoo to stay.

Kyungsoo looks hesitant to accept and Jongin doesn’t think he can watch Kyungsoo walk out the door with his heart intact.

“Or until the rain stops falling,” he blurts out. “Whatever comes first. If you regain your memory I’ll help you leave. If you don’t get it back by the end of the rainy season, I’ll do everything possible to help you remember.”

“The end of the rainy season?” Kyungsoo questions, looking out the balcony. It’s drizzling lightly outside, the sky a dark gray.

“Please,” Jongin breathes heavily.

“Okay,” Kyungsoo agrees with a slow nod. “Till the end of the rain.”

 

Kyungsoo is sitting stiffly on the couch, some radio station playing on the little stereo next to him as Jongin fumbles around in the kitchen, prepping a small bowl of rice and kimchi for Taeho’s breakfast. He gets the surprise of his life when he hears a door slam open and the rushing stumble of little footsteps until Taeho’s bedhead pops from around the corner, anxiously searching for someone.

“Mommy!” Taeho cries out, running towards Kyungsoo and diving into his arms. Kyungsoo can’t help but catch the boy, who curls closely into him.

“I thought you left again,” Taeho says sadly.

“Taeho,” Jongin approaches them softly, kneeling on the ground and holding onto the boy’s knee. “Maybe we shouldn’t call him mommy.”

“But he’s mommy!” Taeho snaps, glaring at Jongin.

“But he doesn’t remember,” Jongin whispers. Kyungsoo can still hear both of them. He’s watching the interaction and he’s kind of amused more than disturbed.

“What if he’s uncomfortable?” Jongin whispers again. Taeho bites his lower lip, looking from Kyungsoo to Jongin.

“What can I call you then?” Taeho asks softly, his big eyes meeting Kyungsoo’s.

“Uhh...Kyungsoo,” He tells him. “That’s my name.”

“Kyungsoo,” Taeho lets the name roll off his tongue, unfamiliar on his lips. “I don’t like it,” he frowns.

“But that’s his name and that’s what he wants to be called,” Jongin reminds Taeho.

“Fine,” the boy gives in. “But only until he remembers that he’s mommy.”

 

_July 10th, 2018_

So Kyungsoo lives with them, tucked into Jisoo’s old room with Taeho by his side as much as possible. Jongin is still stunned by the whole situation and by his selfish decision to keep Kyungsoo. The other male definitely has places to be and things to do, very important things. He wonders if people are looking for Kyungsoo. The man is the son of the president and the groom to the most anticipated wedding of the decade.

He gets his answer when he picks Taeho up from the bar after work, a few days after they find Kyungsoo. He slides into the stool next to Taeho, his leg bouncing, antsy to get back home to Kyungsoo. The other male is probably just so bored being stuck in the house but they have no car for him to take and Jongin isn’t comfortable letting him wander yet when his injuries are still fresh.

“Did you hear?” Sehun asks, cleaning out the beer mugs with a white cloth in preparation for the night.

“Noona, we’ll take nachos to go for tonight,” Taeho chirps as Joohyun swings around to get their order.

“To go again?” Joohyun asks. “That’s been every day this week so far. You used to love sitting here and staring at my pretty face,” she teases him.

“There’s something prettier at home!” Taeho chirps. Jongin shoots him a glance but then settles when he sees that Taeho isn’t going to spill anything.

“Hear what?” He turns his attention back to Sehun.

“People think that the president’s son is missing,” Sehun says. Jongin freezes at that.

“Why would people say that?” He acts nonchalantly, circling a finger around the rim of his glass of water.

“I guess he didn’t show up at his tux fitting today and the bride made a big deal about it and one of the workers posted about it online,” Sehun tells him. “Then some other people started posting about how they haven’t seen the guy for days. But they’ve all been deleted now. I guess they’re trying to keep the whole situation hush.”

“Why would he be missing?” Joohyun asks. “Do you think someone kidnapped him?”

“I think he got cold feet about the wedding and ran away,” Sehun scoffs.

“He’s like marrying the prettiest, smartest girl in the country though. Why would he run away from that?” Joohyun shakes her head.

“I bet in two weeks, we’ll get paparazzi pictures of him living it up in some European night club,” Sehun says loudly.

“Get back to work,” Junmyeon hobbles out of his office and smacks Sehun’s butt. “I don’t pay you guys to gossip.”

“No,” Sehun argues, “You pay me to suck your-,”

“And this is where Taeho and I go home,” Jongin announces loudly.

“But, dad, my nachos,” Taeho whines

“Let him wait for the nachos,” Junmyeon says. “I need to talk to Jongin alone.”

Junmyeon takes him to his office, a small back room right next to the kitchen, and shuts the door.

“Where do you think he went?” Joonmyeon asks worriedly, a furrow between his eyebrows.

“Who?” Jongin pretends to play dumb.

“Kyungsoo!” Junmyeon whispers his name. “Didn’t you hear what Sehun was talking about?”

“Hyung, you don’t really think he ran away do you?” Jongin asks.

“It’s not like him to,” Junmyeon shakes his head. “But it’s not like him to not show up to work and his fittings too.”

“I’m sure he’s fine,” Jongin says.

“I can’t believe you’re not worried at all,” Junmyeon’s lips fall into a thin line.

“I would be worried if he was in danger,” Jongin says honestly. “But I don’t think he is.”

“Something is just fishy about this whole situation,” Junmyeon pouts. “I don’t like it.”

“Well Taeho and I are going home now,” Jongin says. “Thanks for watching him like usual.”

“Take one of the umbrellas by the door,” Junmyeon waves him off. “It looks like it’s going to rain again.”

 

“Yay! More rain!” Taeho cheers as they walk out the bar doors and he jumps into a puddle. “That means mommy is staying longer!” Jongin would correct him but he doesn’t want to say Kyungsoo’s name in public. They’re going to be extra careful from now on.

 

“Nachos,” Kyungsoo says as he opens the takeout container. “Why do I feel like I like them?”

“They’re your favorite,” Jongin says.

“No they’re not,” Taeho argues back. “Mommy likes hotteok!”

“I’m not mommy,” Kyungsoo reminds him, pinching his cheek. Taeho pouts at this and Kyungsoo stares at him a bit sadly.

“Are nachos your favorite though?” He asks. Taeho nods. “They can be our favorites together then,” Kyungsoo tells him. This puts a smile on the boy’s face and he begins to dig into the food. Kyungsoo can feel a heavy gaze on him and he turns his head to see Jongin looking at him. Jongin turns his head away as soon as he’s caught.

Kyungsoo has been here for five days now. He thinks it’s time that Jongin give him answers. Who is he? How does he know this family? And why does the boy’s mommy look so much like him? He’s spent each day trying to clean up the house, scrubbing the floors and organizing the bathroom, throwing out empty shampoo bottles. There was one day where he was sick of staring at the pile of laundry in Jongin’s room and he wasn’t about to determine what was clean and what wasn’t so he washed it all and hung it up to dry before folding it. He had also developed an organization system for Taeho’s toys to make it easier and faster for him to clean up when he was done playing. Kyungsoo would go outside and try to weed the garden and trim the overgrown bushes too but it’s been raining every single day and he rather stay inside and be dry. There are boxes in Jisoo’s room that are dusty and need to be cleaned out but Kyungsoo doesn’t think he’s allowed to touch those so he’s just left them.

“Thank you for helping out with Taeho’s homework,” Jongin says later after the boy has gone to bed.

“No problem,” Kyungsoo replies.

“You were always good at grammar,” Jongin chuckles, a reminiscent look on his face.

“Hey,” Kyungsoo kicks him, “I lost my memories, not my intelligence. And it’s not my fault you are terrible at grammar.”

“My grammar is fine,” Jongin defends himself. “I can form perfectly coherent sentences. I don’t need to be able to identify and label the certain parts of a sentence.”

“It is pretty dumb,” Kyungsoo agrees. A silence settles around them, after their little jabs and Kyungsoo takes the opportunity to finally question Jongin.

“How do we,” he begins slowly, “how do we know each other?” Jongin looks down, fiddling with his fingers.

“It’s a long story,” the dad finally says.

“It’s still raining outside,” Kyungsoo looks out of a window where raindrops have blurred the glass. He’s not going anywhere for a long time.

 

_September 6, 2003_

“You see that guy right there, second row,” Taemin nudges Jongin’s shoulder. Jongin lifts his head and glances to where Taemin is pointing. All he can see are small shoulders hunched over and short black hair.

“What about him?” Jongin says uninterestedly.

“He has a twin sister in the class next to us,” Taemin says. “And I heard she’s hot!”

“And?” Jongin continues, wanting to know why Taemin is so intrigued.

“So we should become friends with him,” Taemin pushes Jongin’s forehead like it’s obvious. “See if he can hook one of us up with his sister.”

“Hate to break it to you but I’m friends with you and I wouldn’t introduce you to any of my sisters,” Jongin tells him.

“Because you’re fucking rude,” Taemin sticks his tongue out at him. Jongin shoves him away just as their science teacher slides the door open and begins to write on the chalkboard. Jongin flips open his notebook but not before giving one last glance to the boy in the second row.

 

It seems like Taemin isn’t the only one with the idea of getting close to the male twin in hopes of striking gold with his sister. Jongin constantly sees his fellow classmates approaching the boy, asking him to hang out after school and giving him snacks to pass to his sister. The boy, Kyungsoo, seems unbothered by the male advances, glancing at everyone stoically and letting the snacks and love letters accumulate on his desk. At the end of the week, he dumps everything into a plastic grocery store bag and no one knows what ever really happens to them, if they even make it into his sister’s hands.

Jongin sees Jisoo for the first time when it’s his turn to mop the school hallways. He wouldn’t have even known that she was infamous female twin until he heard her brother’s name ring out of one of her friend’s mouths. The two girls are standing in the doorway of their classroom, pin straight hair tossed over their shoulders as their glossed lips chatter away.

“But your brother is so cute!” the other girl says. “Just give him my letter! Wouldn’t it be cool if we became sister in laws?”

“In your dreams, Yoomi,” Jisoo rolls her eyes. “He says he doesn’t want me to deliver him love letters and cakes and that if someone really likes him, they should be brave enough to do it themselves. Besides, he’s a total dork. I don’t know why you guys keep on asking about him.”

“You think he’s a dork because he’s your brother,” Yoomi tells her. “But he’s so handsome and smart and his eyes are so dreamy,” she swoons, placing a hand on her chest.

“Exactly,” Jisoo points out. “He’s my brother. It would be weird if my friends started dating him. That’s why I don’t date his friends either. It’s just weird.”

“Whatever,” Yoomi sighs. “Come on, let’s get go make sure Suhyun isn’t smoking in the bathrooms again. If she gets caught, she’s going to be suspended.”

Jongin glances as they walk past him, stepping over his wet mop. Like everyone else says, Jisoo is pretty. She has big eyes and pale skin and her slim nose and tiny mouth are perfectly balanced on her small face. Although she’s pretty though, Jongin doesn’t think she’s worth going absolutely crazy over. He himself doesn’t know what his ideal type is but at that moment he decides that Jisoo probably isn’t it.

 

Two weeks later they have an important math exam and for the life of him, Jongin can’t find any #2 pencils in his backpack to use. Taemin is useless too and he’s only brought one and the rest of his desk mates are too busy reviewing before their teacher comes in, hissing at him every time he tries to ask for one. As the clock is ticking down, Jongin becomes more desperate as he scans the room for anyone who doesn’t look like they’re about to pull their hair out. Then he spots someone, short dark hair, second row, not hunched over and memorizing equations like everyone else, but instead sitting up right and reading a book, halfway through it. Jongin swallows deeply before getting up and trekking to the second row.

“Hey,” he knocks on the wooden desk. Kyungsoo looks up at him and Jongin feels his breath stop in throat. Big eyes, pale skin, slim nose, and plump lips on a small face. He thinks he’s found it, his ideal type. He’s never seen Kyungsoo’s face before now, just stuck at staring at the back of his head from his seat in the fourth row.

“Look, buddy,” Kyungsoo intercepts before Jongin can even unfreeze and open his mouth. “If you want to date my sister, just go ask her yourself. I’m not playing cupid messenger for any of you and frankly it’s getting annoying and I’m running out of plastic bags.”

“What?” Jongin says, rather dumbly.

“Just leave me and Jisoo alone,” Kyungsoo grumbles, sinking back into his chair and opening his book again.

“I was just going to ask if I could borrow a pencil,” Jongin clarifies, feeling the heat rush up to his ears. Kyungsoo glances at him again, skeptical.

“Oh,” he says, reaching into his bag and handing Jongin a freshly sharpened pencil. “Good luck on the test.” Then he turns back to his book, promptly ignoring the male.

“Thanks,” Jongin says awkwardly before scrambling back to his desk. Their teacher comes in shortly, everyone groaning at the sight of the thick exam packets in his hands. Jongin finishes early though, and spends the rest of the time staring at the back of that head in the second row and dreaming of a face he wants to see again.

He doesn’t get a chance to return the pencil to Kyungsoo, the other male rushing out of the class and Jongin too late to catch up. Instead he takes it home, flops onto his bed and stares at it. It’s just a normal, yellow pencil, about a quarter used, the pink eraser still pretty fresh. But then Jongin sees the bite marks running along the ending half and he smiles, letting his fingers fall into the little divots and crevices. Kyungsoo is a pencil biter, how cute.

They don’t talk to each other after that exam, separated by their two rows. Jongin pines silently, staring at Kyungsoo’s head and trying not to look too excited whenever the other male raises his hand to answer a question. That voice, Jongin could listen to it forever and never grow tired or annoyed of it. He daydreams about sitting next to Kyungsoo during lunch, talking to him and learning everything about him. He’s terrified of actually initiating any type of conversation or contact though. The small, broody male is intimidating and although Jongin looks big and strong, he has a soft heart and he doesn’t want to get hurt.

 

“I’m sorry,” he hears Kyungsoo’s velvet voice say as he turns into the hallway to use the bathroom. He can’t see the other male, not at first glance, but then he notices two shadows hidden in the corner.

“I’m not looking for a relationship like that right now,” Kyungsoo speaks again.

“But Jisoo told me that if I confessed by myself you would be happier,” the girl’s voice is shaky, on the verge of tears. “I even baked you a cake. She said that chocolate was your favorite.” Jongin can see the smaller shadow thrust out a package towards Kyungsoo.

“That was very nice of you,” Kyungsoo says, “and I admire your courage but I don’t think it would be fair of me to accept your confession when my heart is not in it.”

“Jisoo was right,” the girl cries out. “You really are mean.” She stomps her foot and drops her box on the floor before running away, sobbing into her hands. Jongin hides as he sees Kyungsoo step out from the corner. The boy sighs and picks up the box, smashed cake oozing from the corners. He tosses it into the trash before walking back towards the main hallway.

 

They don’t interact again until the swimming unit during gym. Jongin is on the district’s swim team, specializing in the front crawl. His dream is to be on the national team, compete at the Olympics and medal in an event. He’s strong and fast. Everyone believes that he’ll be able to do it. Their gym teacher separates the class into those who already know how to swim and those that don’t. Jongin is instructed to help out those who don’t know how to swim. He’s not surprised to see a long line of girls giggling at him with their kickboards. Halfway through the lesson, there’s the sudden sound of panicked splashing and screams and Jongin turns around to see someone struggling in the deep end of the pool.

“Oh my god, someone help my brother!” Jisoo screams from where she’s standing on the deck. It doesn’t take a second longer for Jongin to dive underwater and swim to where Kyungsoo is, hooking the other male’s struggling legs around his lower back and swimming to the edge of the pool where the gym teacher is waiting for them. Kyungsoo is holding onto his shoulders so tightly and he’s coughing, trying to get the water out of his body. Jongin helps lift him to sit on the deck and he’s wading in between Kyungsoo’s parted bare thighs, holding onto his legs underneath the water and rubbing at the soft skin there soothingly.

“Are you okay?” Jongin asks, when the coughing fit has stopped. Everyone is looking at them. Kyungsoo’s face is flushed so red. He nods but then stands up abruptly and leaves the pool, Jisoo following him out. The school year ends with Jongin staring at Kyungsoo, who’s waiting by the entrance for his sister. Jisoo is talking to her friends, saying goodbye and giving them squeezing hugs. She waves at them before skipping to Kyungsoo, linking their arms together and walking home.

During the break there’s a day that Jongin is bored out of his mind, twirling Kyungsoo’s pencil in his fingers when a burst of courage sprouts in him. He takes it and grabs the home phone before he can change his mind. He’s already memorized the Doh’s number, looking it up in the phonebook weeks prior just out of curiosity. His heart is about to leap out of his chest and his foot is tapping so impatiently but he keeps his breathing calm as he waits for the line to be picked up.

“Hello?” It’s a gruff voice, not Kyungsoo and Jongin panics and shuts the phone down. Maybe next time, he’ll ask for Kyungsoo.

He tries again two days later, his heart just as nervous as he paces back and forth in his room, the cord getting stuck on the edge of his desk.

“Hello?” It’s Jisoo this time. Jongin hangs up again, flopping onto his bed pathetically and punching at his pillows.

The next time he tries, there’s a pause after the line is picked up and he holds his breath.

“Hello?” A velvet voice. Kyungsoo. He doesn’t hang up.

“Hello?” Kyungsoo repeats. “Is anyone there?” Jongin begins to panic. He didn’t think he would ever make it this far.

“If you aren’t going to say anything, I’m going to hang up,” Kyungsoo says.

“It’s me!” Jongin blurts out quickly, hitting himself in the forehead with his palm. “Kim Jongin from school.”

“Oh,” Kyungsoo says. “Did you need something?”

Jongin begins to breathe heavily as he thinks. Why did he even call when he had no idea what he wanted to talk about. He’s really an idiot.

“Jongin? Are you still there?” Kyungsoo asks.

“Your pencil!” Jongin says, catching the object out of the corner of his eye. “I never gave you your pencil back.”

“Pencil?” Kyungsoo questions. “Ohh that pencil.”

“Yeah,” Jongin mumbles, rubbing the back of his neck. “Can we meet up? So I can return it?”

“You want to meet me?” Kyungsoo asks.

“Yeah,” Jongin nods, feeling the burn creep up his face.

“How about this Friday?” Kyungsoo says. “At the cafe with the geckos? Around three?”

“Friday,” Jongin breathes out. “I’ll be there.”

“I’ll see you then, Jongin,” Kyungsoo says. Then he hangs up and Jongin lets the phone fall to the ground, a dumb smile on his face.

 

Kyungsoo is sitting at a table with a gecko crawling on his arm when Jongin walks in. Kyungsoo sees him and gestures for him to join him, showing off the orange buddy with him.

“His name is George,” Kyungsoo says. “He likes me.”

“He does,” Jongin chuckles, not expecting Kyungsoo to be so friendly so fast.

“Do you want to hold him?” Kyungsoo offers his arm.

“Can you put him on me?” Jongin asks. Kyungsoo nods and gently picks up the gecko and puts it on Jongin.

“He likes you too,” Kyungsoo smiles. Jongin feels his heart melt a little.

“You’re in a very good mood today,” he notes. “I’ve never seen you smile before.”

“Animals make me happy,” Kyungsoo tells him. “They’re better than humans.”

“Ouch,” Jongin takes offense to that.

“I have something for you,” Kyungsoo says reaching underneath his seat and presenting a a blue gift bag topped with silver tissue paper. “My mom said I needed to give you something, for saving me in the pool last time. So, thank you,” he says quietly, softly. He slides the bag towards Jongin.

“It wasn’t a big deal,” Jongin says. “I’m just happy nothing bad happened.”

“It was a cramp,” Kyungsoo tells him. “I’m a good swimmer. Now open the bag.” Jongin nods and takes out the tissue paper. Inside is a tub of homemade kimbap and then a pair of blue knitted mittens with a matching hat and scarf.

“For winter,” Kyungsoo mumbles. “My mom likes to knit.”

At the bottom of the bag are two tickets to the big aquarium in the next town over. Jongin picks

them up and examines them.

“I didn’t know what else you would like,” Kyungsoo says with a small frown. “Jisoo and mom said that I should choose something related to water since you’re a swimmer and I figured everyone likes animals so the aquarium would be nice.”

“Do you want to go with me?” Jongin takes his chance.

“Today?” Kyungsoo’s eyes widen.

“Why not?” Jongin checks his watch. “They don’t close till eight. We have a lot of time.”

Kyungsoo looks hesitant but Jongin holds out his arm where George is still comfortably curled up.

“You said you liked animals,” Jongin says. “Let’s go see some animals.” Kyungsoo sticks out a finger to stroke George’s back and then nods.

So they take the next bus to the town and spend the entire evening looking at the marine animals through glass walls. They get to touch stingrays and watch penguins slide down their little ice obstacles. Jongin learns that Kyungsoo really likes penguins, he even resembles them and he teases the boy about that. They eat the kimbap for dinner on one of the benches and Jongin buys them both cola slushies. Kyungsoo is talking excitedly to him about one of the jellyfish species they just passed by. Kyungsoo talks a lot when he’s excited and Jongin thinks it’s so cute.

They stay until the aquarium closes and then on the bus ride back to their town, Jongin falls asleep. When he wakes up, he’s resting on Kyungsoo’s shoulder, two stops from theirs. Kyungsoo is softly singing one of the songs that’s always playing on the radio now. Jongin lifts his head and Kyungsoo turns to look at him but doesn’t say anything. When they get off the bus, they linger, not yet parting ways.

“Thank you for taking me to the aquarium today,” Kyungsoo says, rocking back and forth on his heels. “I had a lot of fun.”

“You were the one who bought the ticket,” Jongin smiles. He had a lot of fun too.

“So where is it?” Kyungsoo asks suddenly.

“Where is what?” Jongin asks.

“My pencil,” Kyungsoo says. Jongin blanks at that. He had completely forgotten about the pencil. He had been so nervous getting ready that he had left it at home.

“You don’t have it?” Kyungsoo asks, a teasing grin on his face.

“I’m sorry,” Jongin frowns. “I totally forgot about it.”

“You can bring it to me next weekend,” Kyungsoo says, taking a step closer to him. “There’s that new Jackie Chan movie coming out that I want to watch.”

 

_July 10th, 2018_

“So we were friends?” Kyungsoo asks, tilting his head to the side.

“Yeah,” Jongin nods. “We became best friends.” They had sat in the third row together during that next school year. They did homework together, ate lunch together, visited George nearly every weekend. Jongin was over at Kyungsoo’s house so much that he had a toothbrush sitting in the bathroom right next to Kyungsoo’s.

“What happened then?” Kyungsoo yawns. “Why did you say that we haven’t talked in ten years?”

This is the difficult part. This is the part where everything fell apart. Jongin opens his mouth to start but then there’s a cry coming from the bedroom. Taeho is awake. He must have had a nightmare.

“Dad!” he calls out, loud and afraid.

“We’ll get to there some other time,” Jongin whispers before getting up to attend to his son. He’s curled in Jisoo’s bed, patting Taeho’s back as he tries to fall back asleep.

“Kyungsoo,” Taeho whimpers, turning his head away from Jongin. “I want Kyung-,”

“I’m right here,” Kyungsoo whispers, sliding under the covers to sandwich Taeho. The boy shifts from Jongin and buries his body against Kyungsoo’s. It takes a few light strokes on his back and absolute silence but it isn’t long until Taeho is sleeping again. Jongin lifts his head a bit to find Kyungsoo knocked out too. He lets out a sigh before slowly getting off the bed to go sleep on the floor in Taeho’s room. He wishes Jisoo were here. She would be so happy.

 

_July 12th, 2018_

Taeho loves having Kyungsoo around. He attaches himself to the male like a baby kangaroo to it’s mommy and he’s always asking Kyungsoo things, to try and see if the guy remembers that he is mommy. Kyungsoo doesn’t smell as flowery as mommy did but he smells just as good and clean. His voice is just as pretty and his hands and touch are just as soft and soothing. He thinks that Kyungsoo even cooks better than mommy does, once dad goes and actually stocks their kitchen with stuff from the grocery store. Kyungsoo said that they could only survive off of nachos and ramen for so many days before their tummies started to hurt. Taeho wonders if mommy took cooking lessons in Cloudland, so that when she became Kyungsoo she would be an even better mommy for him.

Taeho hates leaving Kyungsoo in the morning to go to school. He holds onto Kyungsoo’s legs super tightly until his dad tells him that they really must go now and Kyungsoo always bends down to ruffle his hair. Taeho always makes him promise that he’ll still be at the house when he gets back. Kyungsoo pinky promises but that does nothing to settle Taeho’s nerves. Because mommy had pinky promised too but she still left. He gets nervous when the sun peeks out from behind the clouds. He wants it to rain forever so that Kyungsoo will stay with them forever.

“I wish it would stop raining,” Sooji, his classmate says as she pouts at the window. “I want to play outside and the mud is so icky. It ruined the new pink shoes my daddy bought me.”

“I love the rain!” Taeho announces. His dad says he still can’t talk about Kyungsoo yet but that won’t stop him from talking about the rain.

“My dad says that every time he washes his car, it rains,” Minwoo, one of the rich kids who lives in the big houses, says. “His car is imported from _America_ so he has to take care of it really well and keep it clean.”

“Really?” Taeho asks, eyes growing wide.

“Yeah,” Minwoo nods. “Every time he washes it, the day afterwards, we get a big thunderstorm! I’ve seen it happen before.”

“Tell your dad to stop washing his car then,” Sooji huffs. “I want to go play in the sand pit.”

“You’re just jealous because your family doesn’t have a car from _America_ ,” Minwoo sticks out his tongue.

 

It’s thunderstorming outside and Kyungsoo is standing outside with his palm open, letting the little drops of rain collect on his skin. There’s a tug on his shirt and he looks down. It’s Taeho, with a little frown on his lips and his eyebrows pinched together.

“You’ll get sick,” Taeho attempts to pull him inside. “I don’t want you to get sick again. You’ll have to go back to the hospital.”

“Cloudland hospital?” Kyungsoo asks. Taeho grimaces.

“No,” he shakes his head again. “The scary one.”

“I left the laundry out to dry,” Kyungsoo sighs, looking where the clothesline is hanging, everything drenched again. “I don’t have anything to change into for bed.”

“You can wear mommy’s clothes!” Taeho tells him.

“Are you sure that’s a good idea?” Kyungsoo laughs.

“She won’t mind!” Taeho says, completely pulling Kyungsoo in now and shutting the balcony doors shut. “Who else is going to wear them if it isn’t you?” He dashes into the room and comes out with a gray spaghetti strap tank top and soft pink shorts. Kyungsoo stares at it but then shrugs his shoulders, deciding to humor the boy. It gets super hot at night anyways.

 

“He fits mommy’s clothes really well,” Taeho whispers to Jongin. The dad looks up to where Kyungsoo has just left the bathroom, steam from his hot shower releasing from the door. Kyungsoo is toweling his wet hair but all Jongin can see are slim shoulders and plump, pale thighs. He gulps and turns back to the TV, some celebrity boxing match playing.

“Are you guys ready for bed?” Kyungsoo stops in front of them. His skin looks so soft, softer than the satin-like cotton covering his body.

“I’m ready!” Taeho yells, getting up from where he’s playing with some Legos and leaping into Kyungsoo’s arms. Kyungsoo catches him, out of habit by now, and smells his breath.

“I think someone still needs to brush their teeth,” Kyungsoo quirks an eyebrow.

“Oops,” Taeho giggles. “I forgot.”

“And you thought you were going to trick me,” Kyungsoo laughs. “Come on now, to the bathroom.” They disappear back into the door and Jongin lets out a long breath.

It’s two in the morning when there’s an incessant pounding on the front door. Jongin flips the lamp switch and groans, before stumbling blindly to the front, flipping on random light switches he can find.

“Who’s there?” He calls out, voice groggy. The pounding stops and Jongin is glad that it hasn’t woken up the other two in the house yet.

“Open the door,” Junmyeon’s drunken drawl comes from the other side.

“Fuck,” Jongin curses under his breath before unlocking the door. Junmyeon comes tumbling in and Jongin catches him with his arms.

“Oh,” Junmyeon smiles, his eyes only half open and his limbs loose. “Look who it is,” he slaps Jongin’s cheeks in between his hands. “It’s my favorite cousin. You know, you’re really handsome.”

“What are you doing here?” Jongin asks, dragging Junmyeon into the house and sitting him down on the couch. “I’m going to call Sehun.”

“No!” Junmyeon protests, shaking his head like a child. “Don’t call that dickhead!”

“Quiet down,” Jongin shushes him, “Taeho is sleeping.”

“Oh, Taeho,” Junmyeon smiles dopily again. “I should go see my pretty nephew,” he tries to get up but Jongin pushes him back down.

“What happened between you and Sehun,” Jongin asks.

“Don’t say his name,” Junmyeon pushes a finger up towards Jongin’s mouth to silence him. “He’s an idiot.”

“Well, what happened?” Jongin asks again.

“The idiot proposed to me,” Junmyeon sniffles. Jongin is surprised.

“Well why are you here then?” Jongin asks. “Didn’t you say yes? Shouldn’t you guys be having proposal sex right now?”

“He did it when I was mopping the floors of the bar,” Junmyeon moans, leaning back against the couch. “I had my dirty apron on and that stupid hair net and I was mopping the floor after someone threw up on it and the idiot wasn’t even looking at my face and he asked me to marry him. He doesn’t even have a ring or anything ready. He just asked me to marry him out of nowhere.”

“Junmyeon,” Jongin tries to say something.

“And I was so caught off guard and I didn’t know what to do so I ran out of there and decided to go get drunk,” Junmyeon laughs. “Aren’t I an idiot too? I own a bar and I had to drive halfway across town and spend $45 in liquor at a competing bar!”

“Junmyeon, I think you should go home,” Jongin tells him. “Sehun is probably waiting for you.”

“I don’t want to go home,” Junmyeon whines, stomping his foot. “I don’t even know if I want to get married.”

“He loves you,” Jongin tells him, a smile on his face. “And you love him too.”

“ _You_ should get married again,” Junmyeon changes the subject, gripping Jongin’s chin. “I’m serious, Jongin. You need to start dating again.”

“Stop it,” Jongin’s pulls his face away from Junmyeon. “I don’t need anyone else. I’m perfectly right now.”

“Liar,” Junmyeon scoffs. “You miss her. You miss Jisoo. You miss Kyungsoo too. I know you do. You try and act strong, but you need someone, Jongin. Taeho needs someone else too.”

“Of course I miss them,” Jongin says. “I never said that I didn’t.”

“They aren’t coming back,” Junmyeon shakes his finger at him. “They’re never coming, HOLY SHIT!” he scrambles backwards and falls off the couch. Jongin is too late to catch him and there’s a loud thud from where his back makes contact with the rug.

“Fuck, Junmyeon. Are you okay?” Jongin asks, trying to grab him.

“Ji-ji-jisoo, no, Kyung-kyungsoo,” Junmyeon tremors, his body shaking as he tries to crawl away. “N-n-n-no it’s Ji-jisoo. Jongin, there’s a ghost in your house!”

“What the fuck are you talking about, man?” Jongin asks, turning around. Then he understands it. Kyungsoo is peeking out from the corner at them.

“There’s a g-g-ghost,” Junmyeon shivers as he backs up against the wall. “Oh holy spirit of Jisoo, I didn’t mean to set up Jongin with someone else. I’ll leave him alone. I promise you. Please don’t haunt me. I only wanted what was best for him and Taeho.” He’s on the verge of tears and Jongin would think it’s comical if Junmyeon wasn’t so drunk.

“Come on, buddy,” Jongin reaches for him. “There’s no ghost.”

“Bu-but I saw her,” Junmyeon shakes. “I saw Jisoo. She was right there,” he points to the corner but Kyungsoo is gone now.

“No ghost,” Jongin says, patting his back. “Now let’s call Sehun, get you home.”

 

“Thanks for calling me,” Sehun says, once Junmyeon is safely locked into the passenger seat, actually passed out from the alcohol.

“No problem,” Jongin pats his back. “He told me what happened today.” Sehun looks down, embarrassed.

“It came out of my mouth before I could stop it,” he says with a grimace. “He was just mopping, humming along to that annoying girl group song that plays on the radio all the time and I just thought to myself _‘My god, I love this man. I love him so much.’_ and I couldn’t help myself and I asked him to marry me. I knew it was sudden and I shouldn’t have done it that way but it just happened. He’s my entire life. I want to spend my entire life with him.”

“I know what you mean,” Jongin says. “I think Junmyeon was just stunned and scared so he ran off. He loves you though. He’ll wake up from his hangover all embarrassed and shit and then he’ll say yes.”

“I got a ring,” Sehun says, slipping a small velvet box out of his pocket and showing Jongin. “I went to the jeweler’s after he left, paid the down payment for it and everything. I’m going to ask him again in the morning, after he’s done shoving his head in the toilet though.”

“He’s going to love it, Sehun,” Jongin smiles. “I’m really happy for you guys.”

“Thanks for everything, Jongin,” Sehun smiles back. “I’ll let you know how it goes.”

“Drive safe now,” Jongin tells him as he gets into the driver’s seat. “The roads are still slick.” Sehun waves in acknowledgement and then they’re gone, cruising away from Jongin’s little house.

 

“So who were they?” Kyungsoo asks when Jongin walks back into the house. He’s sitting on the couch, a blanket wrapped over him to cover his shoulders.

“My cousin and his boyfriend,” Jongin answers.

“He knew my name,” Kyungsoo says. “He thought I was a ghost.”

“He was drunk,” Jongin says, sitting next to Kyungsoo. “He thought you were Jisoo.”

“Do we really look that much alike?” Kyungsoo asks, cocking his head and staring at Jongin. The dad stares at Kyungsoo, taking in every inch of his face and counting the moles that he memorized so many summers ago.

“To others, yes,” Jongin nods, “but not to me. You guys never looked alike to me.”

“What was our relationship like?” Kyungsoo asks, resting his arm on the back of the couch and his chin on top of it.

“You were twins,” Jongin says. There was no better way to explain it.

 

_March 16, 2004_

“Ugh, you guys are so boring,” Jisoo throws her magazine down on the coffee table, plopping down on the couch and throwing her legs over Kyungsoo’s.

“Get off me,” Kyungsoo tries to shove her legs away. “We’re trying to get to next level.”

“Video games are so stupid,” Jisoo rolls her eyes, grabbing a handful of pretzels from the snack bowl. “I can’t believe you two turned down dates from Ahri and Yoojin to do this.”

“Hmm, what’s better, spending $20 on girls that won’t even finish half their food or unlocking the ultimate level of Ninja Warrior where the ninjas have to climb up a volcano and battle little coconut heads with lava shooting out of them?” Jongin questions, his fingers rapidly pressing buttons on the controller.

“Oh definitely the coconut heads,” Kyungsoo nods, his own concentration focused on the television.

“High school boys are so lame,” Jisoo tells him. “I can’t wait for a college boy to notice me so I can fall in love like in the dramas.”

“Yeah, yeah,” both boys tell her at the same time. She pouts, not happy that she isn’t getting any attention and gets off the couch to go back to her room.

“Boys! I need help with the groceries!” Kyungsoo’s mom calls from the front door.

“Fuck,” Kyungsoo hisses. “We’re so close too.”

“Two minutes,” Jongin says, pounding hard on the x button to kill the little tree zombie in his way.

“Now!” Kyungsoo’s mom shouts.

“Coming!” They chorus, tossing their controllers to the side and getting up to help her bring in the bags. Dinner is in fact more important than ninjas and volcanoes and coconut heads.

“So, Jongin, how’s practice for that swim meet coming?” Kyungsoo’s mom asks as they help put the groceries away. The two boys are stacking the apples in the fruit bowl.

“Good,” Jongin nods. “I’m last on the relay team this time.”

“Ooh,” Kyungsoo elbows him, “pressure is on.”

“Oh, I’m sure he’ll win it for them,” Kyungsoo’s mom smiles at him. “Jongin is a great swimmer.”

“Mom, can I go to his meet?” Kyungsoo asks. “I can take the bus with them after school.”

“As long as you finish your homework for that night, you’re free to go,” she tells him, stacking the egg cartons in the top corner of the fridge. “You know what your dad will say if you have any missing work.”

“I know,” Kyungsoo nods.

“Where is he?” Jongin asks. He hasn’t seen Mr. Doh around much lately, which is rather unusual considering the dad is usually hustling around in the kitchen or offering to drive them places.

“He got promoted so he’s spending a lot of time in Seoul,” Kyungsoo says. “He likes the new work though. He always comes home so excited to talk about everything he’s doing.”

“Well tell him that his favorite son said congratulations,” Jongin teases, stepping away to put the cereal in the pantry. Kyungsoo’s mom laughs at that and Kyungsoo chucks an orange at Jongin’s back.

 

“Hello?” Jongin answers the phone, still half asleep as he fumbles for his lamp.

“Jongin?” Kyungsoo’s hoarse voice crackles through the receiver. He’s crying. Jongin sits up immediately, wide awake now.

“Hey,” he says softly. “What’s wrong? What happened?”

“I don’t want to talk about it,” Kyungsoo lets out a small sob. “Please, just stay on the phone with me.”

“Do you want me to come over?” Jongin asks, one foot already out of his bed. “I’ll come right now.”

“No!” Kyungsoo almost shouts. “Don’t come over. Just stay on the phone, please. Please, Jongin.”

“Okay,” Jongin nods, but not feeling settled at all. “I’m right here, Kyungsoo. I’ll stay with you.”

“Thank you,” Kyungsoo whispers. They stay quiet for a few minutes, only the sound of Jongin’s steady breathing and Kyungsoo’s occasional sniffles being exchanged.

“You know that I’ll always be there for you, right?” Jongin says.

“I know,” Kyungsoo says. “That’s why I called you.”

“Should we go see George this weekend?” He asks. “It’s been a while.”

“Please,” Kyungsoo says. “Let’s visit George and go to the arcade. I need to get out of here for a while.” That’s new to Jongin but he doesn’t push it.

“Sounds like a plan,” Jongin tells him. “My treat.”

 

“He slapped Jisoo,” Kyungsoo tells him the next morning as they’re walking to school together. Jisoo isn’t with them. She was taking a ‘sick’ day. Jongin feels something turn uncomfortably in his stomach.

“Dad wants to get an officetel in Seoul so he can stay there overnight when he’s too busy with work and mom didn’t think it was a good idea,” Kyungsoo continues. “So they started fighting and arguing and Jisoo started arguing and fighting with him too so he slapped her, really hard. It was so scary and I didn’t know what to do. Dad was so sorry about it afterwards, he really was. He said that he didn’t know what overcame him and he was crying and begging for forgiveness and Jisoo and mom were crying. So I called you because I didn’t want to be alone.”

“I’m sorry that happened,” Jongin says, wrapping an arm around Kyungsoo’s shoulders and rubbing it. “Call me anytime. Come to my house anytime. I’ll always open the door for you. Jisoo too.”

“You’re the best, Jongin,” Kyungsoo leans into him. “I’m so glad you’re my best friend.”

“Me too,” Jongin says, dropping a short peck on his head.

 

_February 23, 2005_

The phone rings again during the middle of the night and Kyungsoo throws the covers off his head. Jongin groans beside him and turns to shield himself away from the noise. He’s sleeping over tonight and usually he has a sleeping bag on the floor but winter is just too cold and Kyungsoo is much warmer and cuddlier.

“Hello?” Kyungsoo grumbles into the receiver. “Ahri?” He sounds surprised. This piques Jongin’s interest too and he sits up, leaning against the wall. He’s shirtless. The floor gets too cold but Kyungsoo’s bed can sometimes get too hot.

“Where are you? Is Jisoo okay? You need me to come get her?” Kyungsoo continues to ask. Jongin frowns, beginning to get worried too.

“I’ll be there as soon as possible. Make sure she doesn’t go anywhere or do anything else stupid,” Kyungsoo says, finally hanging up.

“What’s up?” Jongin asks with a yawn.

“Jisoo snuck out and went to some college party,” Kyungsoo says, sliding on some pants. He only likes to wear boxers to sleep. “I think she’s super drunk. Her friends called me to come and get her.”

“Let’s go then,” Jongin says, rolling out of bed and finding his shirt. “She’s so damn lucky your parents went to Seoul for the weekend.”

“She is,” Kyungsoo huffs. “Dad would have killed her if he knew she was drinking.”

Jisoo is a hot mess when they finally get to her. Her tight, white shirt is soaked through and her hot pink bra is visible and her usually silky hair is a frizzled mess.

“Kyungsoo!” She stumbles to him when she sees him. “You’re here! You want a drink? I can get you drink. Let’s get some drinks over here!” She shouts.

“No more drinks,” Kyungsoo shakes his head. “We gotta get you home.”

“But I don’t want to go home,” Jisoo whines, leaning onto her brother. “Do a shot with me? I haven’t done any shots with you yet!”

“Maybe next year,” Kyungsoo grunts, bending down so she can get on his back. Jongin helps her up and makes sure the two of them don’t fall as they walk back to the bus stop. Jisoo is still drunk babbling and none of it makes sense. She falls asleep on Kyungsoo’s shoulder while the bus rumbles away through the quiet night. Kyungsoo tucks her hair behind her ear and smells her shirt, gagging at the scent of alcohol and smoke.

“What a way to spend the night,” Jongin says, sitting on the other side of Kyungsoo.

“I think she’s going through a phase,” Kyungsoo says. “I found a lighter in her backpack the other day, when I was trying to find her lunch box to wash it.”

“She’s a smoker now?” Jongin questions, an eyebrow raised in curiosity.

“I don’t know,” Kyungsoo frowns, the look in his eyes really conflicted. “I don’t think she’s been keeping up with her schoolwork too. She keeps on telling mom that she forgot her report card at school.”

“It’s just a teenage phase,” Jongin tries to reassure him. “All her friends are like that and she’s just trying to fit in. You should talk to her, when she’s a little more sober.” He points at the trail of drool from her mouth that’s staining Kyungsoo’s jacket.

“Gross,” Kyungsoo groans, letting his head thunk against the bus window. He doesn’t push her away though.

The next morning, when Jisoo sprints out of the sleeping bag on Kyungsoo’s floor to the bathroom to stick her head in the toilet and dry heave, Kyungsoo is right behind her, tying her long hair up and rubbing her back while the sound of vomit splashing in the toilet rings through the house. Jongin is disgusted but he can’t help but admire Kyungsoo who sits through it all and helps her brush her teeth before tossing away the toothbrush. Kyungsoo is a good brother. Jisoo is so lucky.

 

_July 13th, 2018_

“Why did we stop talking to each other?” Kyungsoo asks, his big eyes curious. It’s getting late. Jongin needs to be up in three hours for his shift at the center.

“Things got complicated,” is the best he can sum it up. Things got very complicated and very messy.

“Where are my parents?” Kyungsoo asks next. Jongin’s throat grows tight at this. _Your mom is dead_. He doesn’t know how he’s supposed to say that.

“Let’s pick this up some other time,” he says, letting one hand stroke through Kyungsoo’s hair. “I have work tomorrow.”

“Oh, you do,” Kyungsoo nods remembering. “Do you want me to make you breakfast? Forget that. I’m making you breakfast. Me and Taeho can only eat so many burnt eggs before we have fried chickens growing in our stomachs.” Jongin laughs and nods before walking Kyungsoo to bed.

 

“You, sir!” Junmyeon points a pen at Jongin as soon as he walks through the bar doors. “We need to talk right now!” He grabs Jongin’s hand and steers him into his office.

“Where are you taking my dad?” Taeho pouts, slumping in his stool.

“This is big boy business!” Junmyeon calls out from behind him. “Sehun make him a chocolate shake!” Taeho brightens up at this and goes back to working on his math homework.

Jongin sits down in one of the chairs and watches as Junmyeon paces back and forth. The glare from the sun in the window bounces and Jongin can see a small diamond on Junmyeon’s ring finger. He smiles at that.

“What the fuck is Kyungsoo doing in your house?” Junmyeon whisper screams, turning to look at Jongin with half crazed eyes. Jongin’s smile drops at that. He thought that drunk Junmyeon wouldn’t remember what happened last night.

“How about we talk about your engagement instead?” He tries to change the subject.

“No,” Junmyeon shakes his head furiously, “We need to talk about why you have the groom of Korea’s most anticipated wedding in the last decade locked up in your house wearing your ex wife’s clothes!”

“He doesn’t remember anything,” Jongin says defensively.

“Jongin! You told me that he was fine!” Junmyeon is on the verge of screaming.

“He is fine,” Jongin argues back. “Taeho and I are taking care of him very well.”

“What you’re doing is the equivalent of kidnapping!” Junmyeon tells him. “I’m pretty sure they have the entire secret service looking for him right now! His wedding is in three months!”

“I didn’t kidnap him,” Jongin points out. “He came to us.”

“He came to us?” Junmyeon repeats. “Jongin, that’s crazy talk! He hasn’t talked to you in ten years! Why would he show up now?”

“I don’t know,” Jongin shakes his head. “But he’s here and he doesn’t remember anything. I’m trying to help him remember.”

“What you should do is tell him that he’s the son of the fucking president of Korea and that he needs to haul his ass back to the Blue House before the entire government explodes,” Junmyeon tells him.

“I can’t do that,” Jongin says, voice tight. “I can’t let him go back like that.”

“Jongin,” Junmyeon frowns, a sadness to his tone.

“Just until the rain ends,” Jongin tells him. “I’ll let him go when the rain is done. I promised him that.”

“Does Taeho know?” Junmyeon asks.

“No,” Jongin shakes his head. “He thinks it’s Jisoo reincarnated, all thanks to that silly book she made him.”

“Cloudland?” Junmyeon asks, remembering Taeho showing it to him once.

“Yeah,” Jongin nods. “Will you help me out? Just let me keep this a secret for a bit longer. I’ll tell him everything. I’m not holding the truth back from him.”

“Are you sure about this?” Junmyeon asks, hesitant.

“Yes,” Jongin nods. “Junmyeon, I missed him. Let me have this before he leaves for good this time.”

“Do you really want him to remember _everything_?” Junmyeon asks. He can already feel the heartache from just thinking about it.

“He deserves to know,” Jongin sighs.

 

_June 16, 2006_

Three knocks on the door. Jongin recognizes the signal now and he opens the door, arms already stretched out for Kyungsoo. Like clockwork, Kyungsoo walks into them, snuggling against Jongin’s chest.

“Again?” Jongin asks, resting his head on top of Kyungsoo’s.

“I fucking hate it,” Kyungsoo says. “I hate living there. All they ever do is fight these days and Jisoo is too dumb to stay out of it and she makes things worse.”

“Where is she?” Jongin asks.

“At her boyfriend’s,” Kyungsoo says.

Kyungsoo’s parents have been fighting for a good year now. Unfortunately, Jongin has seen it in person. It starts out with Kyungsoo’s dad coming home and a snide remark and then there’s full on shouting and things are thrown. He takes Kyungsoo away during those moments. They go out for walks, go and visit the new gecko, Gill, because George died a few weeks ago. Kyungsoo doesn’t spend a lot of time at his own house anymore, neither does Jisoo.

“Can I sleep over?” Kyungsoo asks. “I don’t want to be there anymore.”

“My bed is always your bed,” Jongin nods.

Kyungsoo likes to curl into Jongin’s arms, his open mouth touching Jongin’s neck and their legs intertwined. He falls asleep the fastest this way. He stays asleep too for a long time. Jongin doesn’t know what they are anymore. They’re supposed to be best friends but Kyungsoo does things like this. Kyungsoo kisses his cheek. Kyungsoo sits on his lap and plays with his hair. Kyungsoo looks at Jongin like he loves him. Jongin really loves Kyungsoo.

He’s fine not putting a label on whatever they have though. Kyungsoo’s home life is complicated and Jongin doesn’t want to stress him out anymore. He’s happy just having Kyungsoo in his arms.

 

“My parents are getting a divorce,” Kyungsoo says one day when they’re walking back from visiting Gill.

“I’m sorry,” Jongin says, stopping and pulling Kyungsoo in for a hug.

“We all saw it coming,” Kyungsoo sniffles. It’s hard to believe that just three years ago, they had been such a happy family. So much has changed.

“If you need anything, my family is always ready to help you out,” Jongin tells him.

“Dad’s moving to Seoul for his job,” Kyungsoo says. “Permanently. He got another promotion. A bigger one.”

“He doesn’t deserve you guys,” Jongin presses a kiss to his head. “You are better than any monetary value anyone could offer.”

“You always know just what to say,” Kyungsoo hums. “I love you for that.” Jongin stares at Kyungsoo, and kisses his head again.

 

Everything changes on a Saturday afternoon, two months after the divorce. Jongin is doing homework with Kyungsoo and Jisoo at the kitchen table. They haven’t seen their dad for two months. They barely see their mom either. No one really knows what she’s up to.

“No!” Her voice yells from the front door. “You stay away from us! You aren’t supposed to be here.” Kyungsoo and Jongin stand up and Jisoo drops her pen.

“Let go of me,” Kyungsoo’s dad says, pulling his arm out of his ex wife’s grip and stalking through the door.

“Dad,” Kyungsoo says, eyes wide with surprise and fear. Jongin reaches for his hand, squeezing it tight.

“Pack your things, son. You’re living with me from now on,” Mr. Doh says, dusting off his suit. “I got you all set up at your new school and everything.”

“What?” Kyungsoo questions, shocked and confused.

“No!” Kyungsoo’s mom stands in front of her ex husband with her arms held out. “You are not taking him away from me. We had an agreement!”

“I’m taking him with me,” Mr. Doh says again. “He’ll have a better life in Seoul, a better chance of getting into a top university and he’ll make more connections down there. I will not let my son fall behind like I did and struggle to make it the to the top in his forties!”

“You will have to kill me before you take him!” She screams dramatically. Jisoo’s face pales at this.

“Stop it with the nonsense,” Mr. Doh shakes his head. “Hurry up, Kyungsoo. The taxi is waiting for us. You don’t have to take much. I’ll buy everything new you need when we get home.”

“This is his home, you crazy bastard!” She yells at him. “You are not going to take him!”

“You still get one of the kids,” Mr. Doh says pointing at Jisoo. “Let me take my son with me.”

“You can take Jisoo,” she begs him. “I want Kyungsoo to stay with me.”

“No,” he shakes his head. “I want Kyungsoo. Jisoo stays with you. Who knows what mess she would get into in Seoul.”

Kyungsoo has good grades. Jisoo has been slipping for a while now. Kyungsoo drinks six glasses of water every day. Jisoo is the reason their alcohol cabinet is drained. Kyungsoo plays with geckos named Gill. Jisoo plays with lighters and cigarettes.

“Kyungsoo, go get your stuff,” his tone has no room for waiting anymore. Kyungsoo looks at Jongin. He doesn’t know what to do.

“Sir,” Jongin steps in.

“Jongin, I think it’s time for you to go home,” Mr. Doh interrupts him. Jongin shuts up at that, Kyungsoo’s hand squeezing his even tighter. “Go home, Jongin,” he repeats, his tone with finality, the hidden _or else_ clearly coming through. Jongin nods, listening to the older man. He lets go of Kyungsoo’s hand and grabs his stuff, shoving it into his backpack before heading out. He can hear Kyungsoo’s mom screaming again as he walks down the street.

Kyungsoo calls him that night, from an unfamiliar phone number. He’s in Seoul. He lives in Seoul now. He goes to school in Seoul now. Jongin asks how soon he can come and visit. Kyungsoo is already begging his father for a ticket for Jongin to see him next weekend.

So for the last year of high school, they live like that. Jongin visits Kyungsoo twice a month in Seoul because Kyungsoo isn’t allowed to come back to their hometown. They try to talk on the phone every day but sometimes their schedules get busy, especially because Jongin is trying out for different college swim teams and Kyungsoo is dragged along to a lot of his dad’s dinner parties.

 

_September 18, 2007_

Jongin gets into a university in Seoul, only fifteen blocks from Kyungsoo’s own university, that’s just three subway stops. They see each other often, falling back into the same habit of sleepovers and late night movies. Since they can’t see Gill anymore they find a new cafe to inhabit, a cat one with a calico named Gracie.

Kyungsoo has matured a lot, being in Seoul with his dad. He carries himself with this confidence that Jongin admires. His Kyungsoo looks good. His Kyungsoo feels good, and that’s all that matters.

Kyungsoo kisses him on the mouth after their finals of first semester are over. Jongin kisses him back, holds him close in his arms and whispers pretty words into his skin. Jongin has been waiting a long time for this. They’re in love and they like to make love. Jongin jokes around that Kyungsoo should just ditch his dorm and live with him in his apartment. Kyungsoo really wants to but his dad would never let him. He’s held on a short leash, a lot of expectations weighing down on his shoulders. Jongin is his one escape, his only freedom.

Mr. Doh gets elected as mayor of Seoul that year. Kyungsoo is in the media sometimes, known as the handsome son of the passionate politician. Mr. Doh also gets remarried that year. Jongin is invited to the wedding as Kyungsoo’s plus one but his family has a reunion in Busan that he can’t miss. It’s when he swings back, expecting Kyungsoo in his apartment that he overhears the phone call.

“Stop it, Jisoo,” Kyungsoo sounds frustrated. Jongin drops his backpack on the floor and wraps his arms around Kyungsoo’s waist, tucking his chin over Kyungsoo’s shoulder. Kyungsoo gives him a small kiss as acknowledgement before going back to argue with his sister. Jisoo didn’t go to college. Jongin doesn’t really know what she or Kyungsoo’s mom are up to.

“I just wired you money last week,” Kyungsoo says. “I don’t understand how you can blow through all of that so quickly. Are you even giving mom’s half to her?” Jongin can hear Jisoo yapping back at Kyungsoo.

“Would you stop being a selfish bitch for once and just help out?” Kyungsoo snaps. Jongin startles, but just holds Kyungsoo closer, knowing the other male really needs it right now. “It’s not my fucking fault dad didn’t want you,” Kyungsoo says. “If you had actually tried in school and didn’t break into his liquor cabinet and spend all your allowance smoking then maybe he would have wanted you here too.”

Jongin nuzzles his mouth against Kyungsoo’s neck, pressing a kiss there to calm him down. Jisoo is trouble. Kyungsoo’s mother is trouble too. Ever since the news of Mr. Doh getting married broke out, they’ve been trying to tear him down, rumors of unpaid child support, infidelity, domestic abuse. It all gets swept under the rug. Mr. Doh is trying to keep them quiet with money, doesn’t want his picture perfect new family to be ruined. Jisoo wants more than that. She wants a part of the prestige too but Mr. Doh doesn’t want her. He has Kyungsoo, his perfect, wonderful, obedient Kyungsoo.

“Well fuck you too then,” Kyungsoo says into the phone before hanging up, his entire body slumping tiredly against Jongin’s.

“Do you want to talk about it?” Jongin asks, cradling his boyfriend and kissing the underside of his chin.

“No,” Kyungsoo shakes his head. “I just really want to sit on your lap and make out with you for two hours.” Jongin laughs and grants Kyungsoo’s request, pulling them both down onto the couch and holding Kyungsoo’s neck so softly as their lips meet for a hungry kiss.

“I think my mom is depressed,” Kyungsoo says, two hours later when he’s snuggled up against Jongin’s chest. “She got fired from her job because she wasn’t showing up and Jisoo says that all she does is sit at home and stare at the TV.”

“Do you want to go visit her?” Jongin asks. Kyungsoo hasn’t seen his mom since he left for Seoul, though he tries to call her every week.

“Dad would never let me,” Kyungsoo shakes his head, sadly. Kyungsoo loves his mom but he loves his dad too.

“What if,” Jongin thinks, “you write her a letter? Getting personal mail always cheers people up and sometimes it’s easier to write words than say them. We can send her a picture too? And maybe some of your favorite caramel candies from that shop across your school?”

“Ooh, my boyfriend is so smart,” Kyungsoo grins, kissing him again. “I do think mom would like it if I wrote to her. I’d have to use your address as the return though. I don’t think dad would like it if she knew where I lived.”

“We can do that,” Jongin tells him.

So Kyungsoo sends letters to his mom, about his day, about Jongin, about pretty much anything. He attaches movie ticket stubs, restaurant receipts, cute stamps that he finds at the post office. He sends her little candies and his coca cola bottle caps. At first she doesn’t write back, but after a month, Kyungsoo finally gets a letter and he cries as he and Jongin read it together.

She writes to him about her day. She got a new job as the cafeteria lady at Kyungsoo’s old high school. She sends him her grocery receipts and cute stickers she finds at the stationary store. She writes down his favorite recipes, because he misses her cooking. She goes and takes pictures of Gill and his new lady friend Gertie. Jongin and Kyungsoo hang these pictures up on Jongin’s fridge. She knits them new scarves for Christmas and calls Kyungsoo when she needs to say something right away. She’s happier and Kyungsoo misses her so much.

 

_July 26th, 2018_

Kyungsoo should be bored. He’s been stuck on this property for weeks now, locked out by the rain and Jongin doesn’t own a car for him to take out. He should be bored but he spends his time cleaning the small house and finding little treasures about Jongin and Taeho. He pulls out Jongin’s high school senior yearbook and flips through the pages. Kyungsoo isn’t in this edition because he didn’t spend senior year there. He stops on the page where the swim team is pictured, Jongin front and center with the biggest grin on his face. Jongin is handsome. Kyungsoo wonders why he isn’t dating again.

He digs through some more drawers and boxes and finds pictures of Jisoo, his twin. She’s gorgeous, her smile is addictive and her eyes only tell of happy times. She’s carrying baby Taeho. She’s building sand castles with Taeho. She’s standing on stage with Taeho during his kindergarten performance, both of them dressed up as penguins. She’s always laughing in her pictures with Taeho and he looks at her like she’s the loveliest princess in the entire world. Jisoo was a good mother. Kyungsoo wants to know what happened to _them_.

He finds a box of old DVDs and he puts on in the DVD player hooked up to the TV, it’s labeled _March 15 2011: Kim Taeho, Two weeks old._ He fumbles with the remote and presses play. Twenty three year old Jongin comes on the screen, lying down with baby Taeho on his chest. Taeho is still wrinkly, his eyes only half way open as he paws at Jongin’s chest with his mitted hands.

“Hi, baby,” Jisoo’s voice twinkles in the background. She must be the one recording. “And hi, dad.”

“Say hi to the camera, Taeho,” Jongin laughs, taking one of Taeho’s tiny hands and waving it at the camera.

“He is so precious,” Jisoo sighs fondly. “So beautiful.”

“He looks like your side of the family,” Jongin grins, tucking his chin down to kiss Taeho’s bald head.

“He does,” Jisoo laughs. “That’s a good thing though.”

“Taeho,” Jongin says his name again. “You are going to be so loved, little buddy.” Taeho whines, attempting to lift his head and Jongin and Jisoo laugh.

“You’re going to live the best life,” Jisoo tells him. “I promise you that. I’m going to give you everything you deserve.” The clip ends after that and Kyungsoo hears the front door click open. He pauses the video.

“Kyungsoo!” Taeho’s voice calls for him. Then he comes running in with short footsteps and launches himself into Kyungsoo’s arms.

“I drew this for you today!” Taeho says, holding out a piece of paper to the male. “It’s our family!” There are four figures in the picture. Jongin and Kyungsoo are labeled, holding Taeho’s hand, who’s in the center. Then on a cloud above them is a girl in a yellow dress. She’s labeled as _mommy._

“Oh, it’s so beautiful,” Kyungsoo tells him. “I’ll hang it on the fridge.”

“We started practicing for our summer performance!” Taeho tells him. “Will you come and watch me?” Kyungsoo looks as Jongin sets his wallet on the counter.

“I don’t know if I can,” he says carefully. “I don’t have a car to get to your school.”

“Dad, can Kyungsoo come,” Taeho turns and pleads. “Please. I want him to see my performance!”

“We’ll think about it,” Jongin says.

“Think really hard about it,” Taeho says.

“Go change out of your uniform,” Jongin tells him. “Then we can get started on dinner.”

“Alright, dad,” Taeho nods, scampering into his room.

 

“Jongin,” Kyungsoo says later that night when he’s reviewing Taeho’s homework, the little boy already sent to bed. “Why don’t you have a car?”

“I can’t drive,” Jongin answers, wiping a mug off the dish rack and putting it away.

“You never learned?” Kyungsoo asks.

“I know how to drive,” Jongin clarifies. “I just can’t. My doctor and I agreed that it would be better if I didn’t.”

“Doctor?” Kyungsoo questions, his eye widening. Jongin sets his damp rag down and grabs a handful of orange vials from the top of the fridge.

“I’m chronically ill,” he shakes the vials, the little pills inside of them rattling. “If I overstress myself, my muscles stiffen and I lose control of my motility. It’s better for me to not be driving and freeze and cause a big road accident.”

“Is that why you don’t swim anymore either?” Kyungsoo asks, his eyes holding sympathy in them.

“Yeah,” Jongin nods. It’s why he lost Kyungsoo too.

 

_December 3, 2008_

The chest pain starts gradually, Jongin holding onto his heart after swim practice and needing to catch his breath. He blows it off as heartburn, just a side effect from his spicy pork date with Kyungsoo earlier. He really shouldn’t be eating heavy stuff during peak season.

His times are slipping, falling behind by milliseconds and then full seconds as his fingers graze the wall of the pool. Coach yells at him, tells him to get his shit together if he wants to make it on the national team.

Jongin goes on runs in the morning to increase his stamina. He switches up his diet, binging on carbs for energy and cutting down the red meats. He sees Kyungsoo less often, the other boy busy with his father’s office and Jongin focused on making the national team. They’re still very much in love though. Kyungsoo leaves him little voice messages, cheering him up and telling him he believes in him.

Things turn bad during the deciding meet, the one that determines who advances to the national team. Jongin feels ready. He’s trained so hard for this and his coach has high hopes for him. He finishes first during the 400-meter freestyle. It’s when he pulls himself out of the pool, when he’s standing on the deck, ready to rip off his swim cap and goggles and celebrate that he loses control of his muscles. They go stiff. He freezes and then he’s falling back into the pool, a loud splash as his skin slaps against the chlorinated water. He remembers drowning; his limbs heavy as his brain screams for his joints to fucking do something. When he wakes up, he’s in the hospital. His lungs are burning. The doctor has scans for him to look at. The doctor has bad news for him. He can’t swim anymore, not if he wants to live past thirty.

He doesn’t tell Kyungsoo. He falls into depression. Kyungsoo is really happy right now. Kyungsoo is advancing in life, getting those connections and already interning at his father’s office. Jongin is nothing without swimming. Jongin is falling behind. Jongin doesn’t think he’s good enough for Kyungsoo anymore. Jongin thinks Kyungsoo deserves somebody who can actually do something with his life. He drops out of college, not seeing the point if he can’t keep his swim scholarship. Kyungsoo is meeting politicians and lawyers. He’s a shoo-in for graduate school. Jongin is a loser who can’t swim anymore.

Kyungsoo gets sick of waiting for Jongin. He comes over one day, pounding hard on the door for an hour until Jongin finally opens up.

“What is wrong with you?” Kyungsoo asks, tears running down his eyes. “Why are you hiding from me?”

Jongin refuses to look at him, back turned as his fingers tremble.

“I don’t think I love you anymore,” he says, dead and steady.

“What?” Kyungsoo’s voice cracks.

“We need to break up,” Jongin says. “I don’t love you anymore.”

“Jongin,” Kyungsoo says his name, desperate, pleading.

“Go home, Kyungsoo,” Jongin tells him. “Don’t come back here. I don’t want to see you anymore.” It’s quiet, not even a breath passing between them.

“I hate you,” Kyungsoo says, a sob ripping through his throat. “I really, really hate you right now, Kim Jongin.” The door slams shut, the vibrations from the wood echoing throughout the room. Jongin falls to his knees, a fist jammed into his mouth as he cries. Kyungsoo can do better. Kyungsoo can’t end up with someone like him.

He leaves Seoul, so Kyungsoo can’t find him, moves to his cousin Junmyeon’s town to work as a dishwasher in a little family restaurant. His nights are long and restless. He thinks about Kyungsoo a lot, misses him a lot, cries about him a lot. He’ll catch glimpses of Kyungsoo in the newspaper and on the television, smiling next to his dad and his step mom, graduating at the top of his class with latin honors, getting into a prestigious law school. Kyungsoo’s life is moving on just fine and Jongin is still drowning.

 

_April 3, 2009_

“She got into an accident,” Jongin’s mom says, holding on tightly to his hand in the middle of Junmyeon’s living room. “A car accident during the middle of the day. She didn’t make it to the hospital.”

Jongin goes back to his hometown to attend Kyungsoo’s mom’s funeral. It’s a sad affair. No one can stop crying. He sees Jisoo in the front of the service, eyes so red and black dress wrinkled. He goes up to her, lets her hold his hand for a little bit as she cries. He pats her shoulder, gives her cheek a comforting kiss. Kyungsoo and his dad don’t show up.

Jongin stays in town for two weeks after the funeral, helping his parents out around the house and taking a break from the restaurant. His mom is worried about his condition but he’s learned how to live with it by now. His dad gets him a bike so he can get around, do some nostalgic sightseeing. The gecko cafe has shut down, Gill and Gertie have also moved to Seoul.

The day before he’s set to leave, he sucks up the courage to go see the old Doh house for the last time. His parents said that Jisoo was forced to sell it to pay for the funeral. There’s already a bright white sold sign hanging on the picket stand. He parks his bike in the driveway, making his way to the backyard to check out if Kyungsoo’s mom’s pink tulips are in bloom. What he hears is arguing, angry and heated arguing.

“You are such a selfish bitch,” Kyungsoo’s voice rings out, hoarse and ragged. He’s dressed in all black, his hair mussed up like he’s been pulling at it.

“I’m not the one who never visited mom,” Jisoo snaps back at him. “You haven’t seen her since we were teenagers. I don’t know why she loved you so much. I don’t get why she always asked for _you_. You didn’t deserve her love.”

“You have no idea what I have to deal with back there,” Kyungsoo tells her.

“Oh yeah,” she scoffs, “Because living the rich boy life with your perfect daddy is _so_ difficult,” she mocks him. “You have all the money you could ever ask for, you shit on golden toilet seats and wipe your ass with cashmere sweaters. Mom and I _struggled_ but that didn’t matter to you as long as you were still daddy’s little good boy.”

“Shut the fuck up,” Kyungsoo grits through his teeth. “You’re just jealous that dad didn’t ever take you,” Kyungsoo says. “You’re pissed that you never got to run around with Gucci purses and designer shoes like you always dreamed of.”

“Oh, you mean like that girl you’re seeing that the news is always reporting about,” Jisoo sneers. Jongin’s heart clenches at that. He’s seen the reports. Kyungsoo is dating some chaebol daughter.

“This isn’t about me,” Kyungsoo yells at her.

“Yes it is!” Jisoo screams back. “This about you abandoning mom just like dad did!”

It’s like a hard, cold slap to the face.

“I fucking hate you,” Kyungsoo says, the anger so hard in his voice. “Don’t you ever fucking contact me again. We’re through. I don’t care that you’re my twin. Mom’s not here anymore so I have nothing left that ties me to you. Have a good fucking life, Jisoo, because I’m out of it.”

Jongin ducks behind a bush as Kyungsoo stomps by, opening his car door and then slamming it shut and driving fast out of the neighborhood.

 

_August 1st, 2018_

Jongin’s phone vibrates in his pocket and he pulls to the side, hopping off his bike to answer it. He’s on his way home to Kyungsoo. Taeho has a play date today and the other parents are supposed to drop him off later. He thinks it’s a good night to spend with Kyungsoo, cook some japchae and pop in a Harry Potter film.

“Hello?” He answers.

“This is Taeho’s dad, right?” A feminine voice asks from the other end.

“Yes, it is,” Jongin says. “Is there a problem?”

“Unfortunately there is,” she replies disdainfully. Jongin gulps. What has his son got himself into now?

 

“I’m very sorry,” Jongin bows low towards the mother. “I don’t know what got into him. I promise you he’ll be punished accordingly tonight.”

“This car is imported from _America_ ,” she repeats. “You’re lucky I was the one who caught him and not my husband, otherwise he would have gotten the belt.”

“I apologize again,” Jongin bows even lower. “He usually doesn’t misbehave. You can forward me the bill and I’ll pay for the damages.”

“It’s just a scratch,” she tosses her hair. “I’m more worried about other things,” she sends a glance towards Taeho. He’s standing by Jongin’s bike, his head down as he kicks at the dirt.

“It’s been proven that children act out when they live in an unstable home,” she tells Jongin. He feels his heartbeat stop at that. “Really, I admire you for trying so hard to raise him alone and I’m sure you’re doing your best but children need mothers, especially at that age. He’s acting out for attention that he probably doesn’t get at home. You should really consider getting married again for his sake. He needs a mother in his life. I’m afraid that things might get worse if this goes on for too long.”

Jongin opens his mouth and then shuts it, disbelief coursing through his veins.

“Taeho and I are doing just fine,” he decides to say. “Please send me the bill when you receive it and if your husband has any issues then you can tell him to talk to me and don’t touch my son.” He turns on his heels, walking to his bike without looking back and getting on it.

“Hurry up,” he says to Taeho, although not too kindly. Taeho fumbles to get on the bike but once he’s secure, Jongin pedals down the road towards home.

Taeho is holding onto him tightly as they go over every bump and curve. Halfway through, he feels his shirt begin to get wet, Taeho choking while he holds back a sniffle. He’s crying. Jongin stops the bike, pulls over and sits on the curb, holding Taeho’s hands in his. Taeho can’t look at him, tears running down his face now.

“Why did you do it?” Jongin asks him. “Why did you touch Minwoo’s dad’s car?”

“He said that it rains every time his dad’s car gets washed,” Taeho bawls, the dam breaking down and the tears coming full force now. “We haven’t had a thunderstorm in a week. Just a little bit of rain in the mornings. I don’t want Kyungsoo to leave us yet. It has to rain hard tomorrow. It has to.” Jongin feels his heart sink and Taeho breaks down even more. He pulls his son into a hug and lets Taeho cry, rubbing his back and trying to shush him.

“Kyungsoo can’t leave me,” Taeho cries. “I don’t want him to go like mommy did. I want him to stay with us.”

“Oh, baby,” Jongin sighs, holding back his tears too and not knowing what else to say. Maybe this was all a mistake. Maybe Jongin really doesn’t know what the hell he’s doing, raising his son all alone.

 

Kyungsoo throws Taeho’s dirty clothes into a basket. The boy has a habit of just tossing his clothes onto the floor, not bothering to find or ask for a basket to throw them in. He’ll have to work on that with him. Some of his papers from school are lying on the floor too and Kyungsoo gets on his knees to pick them up and sort them into a keep and toss pile. At the bottom there’s a hardcover book with two cute penguins cuddling and Kyungsoo picks it up. It looks like it’s homemade and it’s called _Cloudland_. He opens the cover and begins to read.

 

 _...Mommy penguin doesn’t cry anymore though, because she knows her baby penguin is going to be okay and that they will see each other again._ Kyungsoo shuts the book, dusting the cover off even though it’s clean. Jisoo wrote it for Taeho, so that he wouldn’t miss her too much when she was gone. It’s a well-loved book, the paper running thin where it’s been handled too much and the drawings a little faded, some glue already cracking. Taeho must read it a lot. He must still miss her.

He hears the front door open and he sets the book on Taeho’s dresser, getting up to greet whoever is home. Taeho looks up at him and then runs into his room, closing the door shut. Kyungsoo is surprised. The boy always gives him a hug, asks for kisses and cuddles while they watch cartoons on the TV before dinner.

“Is everything okay?” Kyungsoo asks Jongin.

“He’s grounded for the night,” Jongin answers. He looks stressed and exhausted. “Something happened with another kid.”

“Should I go check on him?” Kyungsoo worries, looking back at the shut door.

“Just leave him,” Jongin waves it off. “I think he needs some space right now.”

“Okay,” Kyungsoo nods, biting on his lower lip.

 

“How did you and Jisoo end up together?” Kyungsoo asks later that night. He and Jongin are sitting on the couch again, a cup of warm tea in each of their hands and the gentle hum of a music program playing on the TV. Taeho has been in his room all evening, not even coming out for dinner. Jongin checked on him a while ago and he was deep asleep.

“It just happened,” Jongin replies, taking a sip out of his cup.

 

_June 19, 2010_

“Someone is here to see you,” Junmyeon says, knocking on Jongin’s slightly cracked door. Jongin peeks his head out, curious. He’s not close to anyone in this town but Junmyeon. Then he sees her, messy hair bun, ripped jeans and a jacket that’s way too big on her small shoulders.

“Jisoo?” He asks, confused. She looks up, the bags under her eyes weighing her entire face.

“Jongin,” she sobs, running towards him and hugging his body. He’s stiff but slowly brings his hands up to wrap around her. This is weird. They don’t talk anymore.

“What’s wrong?” He asks. She cries into his shoulder, rubbing her wet nose against his nice green shirt.

“I’m pregnant,” she says. “I’m pregnant and I don’t know what to do.” Jongin’s entire world has just changed.

He takes responsibility for her and the baby. Jisoo moves in with him and Junmyeon, with her one suitcase and kilos of emotional baggage. Jongin has to drown her cigarettes, enforce an alcohol ban in their apartment, which is hard for Junmyeon to follow but he goes along with it, for the sake of the baby. Jisoo’s belly grows with every passing day. Her eyes become bright again. She laughs again, eats her veggies and sings along to the radio. When she first feels the baby kick, her entire demeanor changes, the look in her face determined. She gets a job at the local library, reading books to the kids there and to the baby. They find out its a boy and Jongin has never seen her so happy, her entire face glowing as she holds her bump, strokes her stretched skin lovingly.

“She’ll be a great mother,” her coworkers, a group of little old ladies, tells him as he waits for her after one of her shifts so they can go home together. She’s calming down a screaming toddler while his mother is trying to feed the infant sibling. Jisoo miraculously manages to get him to stop crying, finding the only walrus book they have in the entire library for him. The mother thanks her profusely, kissing her on the cheeks for saving her family from another blown out tantrum.

“When are you going to marry her?” one of the old ladies asks Jongin as Jisoo walks towards him, her stomach framed beautifully in her blue dress and her hair as soft and shiny as silk. Marriage. Jongin hadn’t even thought of that.

 

His parents disapprove. They don’t like Jisoo anymore, not after what they’ve heard about her and what she did before and after her mother’s death. She was a partier, got pulled over by the cops way too often, stole cigarettes from the convenience store, was friends with troublemakers and drunks. They think Jongin can do better. They think Jongin can go back to school, get his degree, still make something out of his life even if he isn’t swimming anymore. Jongin is in far too deep with this baby business. He can’t leave Jisoo now. He’s all she has left.

He says goodbye to his parents, let them know that he’s living in Junmyeon’s town if they ever want to visit him. He proposes to Jisoo on her birthday, drops down to one knee and holds out a ring that he bought with his savings. She cries and says yes and he gives her a hug, the baby kicking in between them.

He gets drunk the night before the wedding, stumbling into a phone booth and feeding it coins before punching in a number. It rings for what seems like ages, stupid elevator music playing in the background and an automated voice telling him to _please hold_ every seven seconds. Then the line clicks and he suddenly feels sober, straightening his back and fixing his hair.

“Hello, this is Mayor Doh’s office, thank you for holding. How may I help you?” A female voice says lightly. Jongin clears his throat with a cough.

“Hi,” he says. “I was wondering if Kyungsoo was still in?” It’s late at night, nearing midnight. Maybe Kyungsoo went home already. He’s probably at home, sleeping already.

“He is still here,” the secretary replies. “Did you have an appointment with him?”

“No,” Jongin mumbles, “but it’s an emergency! Can I please talk to him?”

The secretary seems to be thinking, her low hum filtering through the phone.

“Let me transfer you,” she finally agrees and there’s another click of the phone, more annoying elevator music.

“Hello? This is Kyungsoo speaking,” a velvet voice picks up. Jongin leans his head against the glass, his eyes closing. It’s Kyungsoo.

“Hello?” Kyungsoo repeats, patiently though.

“Hi,” Jongin breathes out, his heartbeats slow and steady. He’s missed Kyungsoo so much.

“Jongin?” Kyungsoo questions, his breath stopping short. Jongin nods, even though he knows Kyungsoo can’t see him. Does Kyungsoo miss him too?

“It’s me,” Jongin confirms. “It’s Jongin.”

“It’s been a long time,” Kyungsoo says softly, his voice so tender.

“I’m getting married tomorrow,” the still drunk part of Jongin blurts out. It’s awkwardly silent and he’s afraid that Kyungsoo has hung up.

“Congratulations,” Kyungsoo finally replies, his voice tight. “I’m happy for you.”

“To Jisoo,” Jongin whispers, squeezing his eyes shut. It’s quiet again but Jongin knows that Kyungsoo hasn’t hung up yet, heavy breathing passing between them.

“Fuck you, Jongin,” Kyungsoo says, low and quiet, maliciously. He hangs up, the ending tone ringing violently in Jongin’s ear. Jongin sets the phone down too and he slides down so he’s sitting on the cold floor of the booth, his face buried into his hands.

Jisoo wears a yellow dress to their small church wedding. It was the only thing that fit her and could pass off as a nice wedding dress. Jongin thinks she looks beautiful as she walks down the aisle to him. It’s a tiny crowd, just their coworkers and Junmyeon in attendance. Jongin kisses her cheek after they say their _I do’s_. It’s done. Jongin is married now. A month later, Taeho is born and Jongin is officially a dad.

 

_August 2, 2018_

It had thunderstormed last night, after Kyungsoo had went to bed and left Jongin to rinse their teacups. Kyungsoo had woken up in the middle of the night to a flash of lightning and the boom of thunder. Taeho wasn’t curled up beside him like usual because he was sleeping with Jongin. Kyungsoo isn’t used to that. Taeho has slept next to him every night since he’s gotten here.

The boy gives him a kiss during breakfast, hugging him tightly and apologizing for his rude behavior the night before. Kyungsoo just strokes his hair and lets him sit on his lap as he eats his eggs.

Jongin comes in from his morning shift, sits down for breakfast too. His feet are touching Kyungsoo’s. The smaller male doesn’t move, enjoying the comfort of Jongin’s toes against his. Jongin is such a good person. Jongin is such a good dad.

“Can I go through some of Jisoo’s boxes today?” He asks as Jongin puts on his shoes.

“I don’t see why not,” Jongin says. “Just don’t throw anything away yet. We can sort through them together again during the weekend.”

“Okay,” Kyungsoo nods. “Have a nice day at work,” he steps forward, presses a kiss against Jongin’s cheek. Jongin turns pink and Kyungsoo smiles shyly as the dad stammers a goodbye too and stumbles out the door where Taeho is waiting.

He starts with the boxes in Jisoo’s room, pulling them out and finding more picture albums and tons of Taeho’s projects from earlier schooling. She’s saved thank you cards and invitations from her coworkers and Taeho’s classmates. She has a book of handwritten recipes that Kyungsoo sets aside and lists of favorite books and flowers and hiking trails around town. Then he finds the hospital reports, the charts, the paperwork, the results. It was gastric cancer, stage four. She didn’t really have a chance. They had tried all the treatments. Junmyeon had driven her to appointment after appointment and every time there was a silver lining, their hope can crashing down with another issue, another complication. Jisoo was dying. There was nothing they could do about it. He finds hospital bracelets, visitor ID badges with Jongin and Taeho’s pictures. There are more cards from her coworkers, notes about who helped send dinners for Jongin and Taeho when she was getting treatment, a list of medications that Kyungsoo can’t pronounce.

He pulls open the bottom drawer of her dresser and there’s a pink notebook, bound with a satin ribbon strap. He picks it up, sits on the bed and slides the strap off. Jisoo’s name is printed neatly into first page, underneath it the words _I am dying_. Kyungsoo begins to read, learning about his twin’s most intimate thoughts during her last months alive.

 

_Jongin always burns the eggs because he’s afraid that he’ll undercook them. I tell him that it’s okay, that the eggs continue to cook after you’ve turned the heat off. But he’s afraid of salmonella poisoning, that silly dad. I should really teach Taeho how to make his own eggs but I’m afraid he’ll burn down the house. I worry about how they will be fed when I’m gone. I can’t have my boys starving._

 

_Taeho is acting like a baby. He hates it when I’m gone too long for treatments. I hate it too. I rather spend the last of my time with him, before it’s too late but Jongin is right. I should try for more time. If there is anything that will give me more time with them, I’ll take it. Taeho makes me gives him baths again, pretends like he doesn’t know how to wash his hair so I’ll scrub his head for him. He’s a silly boy, just like his dad. I’m going to miss him so much._

 

_I finished writing Cloudland for Taeho, to help him cope when I am gone. I’ve never drawn so many penguins before in my life! But that’s okay because they’re cute and I know Taeho will love them. I think if I could go back in time, I’d go to school for creative writing, create children’s books and illustrate them too. It’s too late for that though. Besides, I would have never had Taeho if I had taken that path. He’s the best thing in this entire world. I’m so happy he came to me._

 

_Junmyeon drove me home from a weekend treatment today and it left me with a terrible headache. It only got worse when I saw the state of the house. Jongin and Taeho left crumbs everywhere and the dishes were piled high in the sink and the trash smelled and the laundry wasn’t done yet so Taeho doesn’t have any clean uniforms to wear tomorrow. I yelled at Jongin for letting it get so bad and Taeho cried because I was upset. Jongin tried to help me clean but I was so annoyed that I told him to just go away for a little bit. That was awful of me. He’s trying his best. I know he is. I know this is hard on him too. I need to teach them how to properly sweep and vacuum and do laundry before its too late. I will not have my house become a pigsty after I’m gone._

 

_Jongin just left to get his refill for his medications. Sometimes he forgets to take them when we get too busy. He needs to take them every single day. He must make sure of that. He can’t leave Taeho early too. I’ll beat his ass if I see him in heaven too early. I’ll turn him black and blue and send him back down to be with Taeho._

 

_Today was a good day, one of the best days of my life. We went on a picnic by the river and ate those sandwiches that Taeho likes so much, the ones with chicken salad and grapes and cranberries on the inside. Jongin taught Taeho how to skip rocks in the water and they both caught tadpoles and minnows for me to see. Taeho, my silly boy, he smiled so much today and Jongin was happy too. They took a nap under the sun while I watched them. I am so lucky to have them. I don’t deserve them at all. I love them so much._

 

That’s the last entry, a few empty pages behind it. Kyungsoo closes it and tucks it back into the drawer. He picks up the recipe book and the first entry is a recipe for chicken salad. He leaves to go check the pantry.

 

“Mommy used to make this for me!” Taeho says as sees the sandwich sitting on a plate at his spot at the table. Junmyeon dropped him off today. Jongin is staying late to do some repairs at the center. Kyungsoo’s only met Junmyeon a few times but he always looks at him funny, like he’s hiding a secret.

“I know,” Kyungsoo nods. “I found her recipe for it. I couldn’t find any cranberries though, I hope that’s okay?” Taeho takes a bite, munching on it joyfully.

“It tastes so good!” He smiles, getting off his chair and giving Kyungsoo a hug. “Just like mommy’s! You’re the best!”

“Taeho,” Kyungsoo smooths the boy’s hair down. “How about I teach you how to cook eggs?”

 

“The shell fell in there again,” Taeho whines, holding out the bowl to Kyungsoo. The older male sighs, taking the bowl away and fishing out the bleach white shards from they yellow yolk.

“I told you, you have to be careful when you’re cracking the egg, use two hands and pull the shell apart since you aren’t good yet with just one hand,” Kyungsoo reminds him.

“I don’t like this,” Taeho pouts. “I don’t want to cook. You and dad can just cook.”

“Taeho,” Kyungsoo says firmly, setting the bowl down and holding his shoulders. “You need to learn, okay? Dad can’t cook for you all the time and sometimes it’s nice when dad comes home and he doesn’t have to do all the work.”

“But what about you?” Taeho asks.

“I might not always be here too,” Kyungsoo says softly. “But I’ll teach you so you can remember me.” Taeho looks like he’s about to cry but he nods.

“Now let’s try again,” Kyungsoo hands him another egg. “Don’t crack it too hard against the side of the bowl.”

 

“Did our pet chicken lay a whole farm?” Jongin asks as he walks into the kitchen. There are three omelets sitting on the table and a plate of scrambled eggs.

“Dad, we don’t have a pet chicken,” Taeho laughs, reaching up for a hug.

“I know,” he kisses Taeho’s cheek. “Why so many eggs though?”

“Kyungsoo taught me how to cook eggs!” Taeho tells him. “I scrambled those! It was really hard, dad, and I got a little bit of hot oil on me!” He holds up his wrist wear a blue band-aid is decorating it. “But Kyungsoo gave it a kiss and told me to be even more careful next time.”

“You made this?” Jongin grins. “I can’t wait to try it!”

“I didn’t burn them either!” Taeho giggles. Jongin tickles his stomach at that. Kyungsoo sits down and gestures for them to sit too.

“Remember what the most important rule about cooking is though?” Kyungsoo asks.

“I can only touch the stove with permission!” Taeho chirps. “And an adult has to be in the room with me!”

“That’s my good boy,” Kyungsoo smiles. Jongin has never eaten a better omelet in his life.

 

_August 5, 2018_

Kyungsoo shakes out the sheet, before bringing the two corners together to fold it. He decided to wash all the bed sheets and pillowcases and blankets over the past two days. Who knows if Jongin has even touched those since Jisoo has passed. He thinks about his sister a lot these days. Sure Jongin has told him about Jisoo but Kyungsoo wants to _remember_ her. He still doesn’t remember anything from before the train tunnel. All he knows is Taeho and Jongin and the stories Jongin has told him. Those feel empty though, like they all happened to a random character in a book he read a long time ago.

The drama he’s watching on TV cuts to commercial break and Kyungsoo grabs the remote, flipping through the channels for something more interesting to watch. He’s actually getting really bored just staying at home all the time. The sun has been coming out for longer throughout the days though. Taeho gets a four day break after today. Maybe they can go out and actually do something.

He stops on an entertainment news channel, something he usually isn’t too curious about but he guesses catching up on some mindless gossip is harmless. It’s like watching a real life drama sometimes, the way these celebrities live.

 _“And it seems like the hunt for the first son continues,”_ the announcer says as a picture of a dark silhouette pops up on the screen behind her. _“The young lawyer hasn’t been seen in public for weeks now but the Blue House is keeping quiet about his whereabouts. There have been rumors of him running away to Europe but also reports of him recovering from a life threatening accident in a top hospital in America. The president has continued on with his usual activities, however, refusing to answer questions about where his son could possibly be, which only fuels the public’s curiosity and raises even more questions. It is very unlikely for Mr. Doh to just disappear, not even showing up at his office building or important luncheons with incoming foreign diplomats. With the wedding only two months away, everyone is watching and waiting to see where exactly Korea’s prince charming has disappeared to and why no one seems to know how or why he left.”_ A final picture pops up on the screen and Kyungsoo stares at it hard. The young man in the fitted suit standing next to the president looks awfully a lot like him. Then it hits him, a single memory. He’s sitting in a fancy office, his personalized Italian dress shoes propped up on a gorgeous mahogany desk, a nice view of Seoul behind his giant, bulletproof, glass windows.

Hacking into Jongin’s laptop is easy. The password is Taeho’s birthday. He naver searches his name and thousands of articles pop up. He only reads through the first few before he realizes what’s going on. He knows what he needs to do now.

 


	3. part iii

 

_August 6, 2018_

“Taeho, you have to scrub really hard with the pads of your fingers,” Kyungsoo tells him. “Like this,” he demonstrates, digging his fingers into Taeho’s hair and washing his head.

“Ow,” Taeho whines. “That hurts.”

“Do you want your head to smell?” Kyungsoo asks him.

“No,” Taeho pouts.

“Then you have to wash it really well,” Kyungsoo says. “You’re a big boy now. You can wash yourself. You don’t always have to wait for me or dad.”

“But I like it when dad washes my hair,” Taeho says, putting his hands up and washing his hair like Kyungsoo showed him how to.

“I know you do, baby,” Kyungsoo blows one of the bubbles into your face. “But it’s good for you to know how to do this too.”

“Dad will be proud of me right?” Taeho asks, looking at Kyungsoo, his hair sticking up like a mohawk. Kyungsoo nods and pours a cup full of water over his head to wash the soap out.

“Very proud,” Kyungsoo says. “Your mommy will be proud too.”

“How about you?” Taeho asks. “Are you proud of me?”

“The proudest,” Kyungsoo leans in and kisses his head. He pretends to sniff at Taeho’s hair. “You smell so good now! I think I can cuddle with your head all afternoon long.”

“Yes!” Taeho cheers, throwing some bubbles into the air. Kyungsoo laughs and begins to drain the bath so they can fill it with clean water to finish rinsing him.

 

“But it makes a scary sound,” Taeho says as Kyungsoo plugs in the vacuum. “I don’t like it.”

“The sound scares the mice away, so they don’t live in your shoes and eat your food,” Kyungsoo tells him. “And then your floor is all nice and clean and you don’t have to worry about stepping in yesterday’s crackers. Didn’t mommy say that she always wanted you to live in a clean house, too?”

“Okay,” Taeho nods. “Teach me then. I want to live in a clean house like mommy said.”

He shows Taeho which buttons to press on the vacuum and which extension parts to use to get into the tight corners and crevices. Taeho hits every single spot and hunts down every last crumb and dust bunny. He ends up enjoying it so much that he even clears the floor of his own room and vacuums there. Then he wraps up the cord neatly and stores it in the closet that Kyungsoo tells him to.

“Put your back into it,” Kyungsoo tells him when he’s learning how to sweep the hardwood floors of the kitchen. “Make big motions and don’t forget the corners.”

“Use strength,” Kyungsoo demonstrates when he washes the dishes. “If you just swipe at it once, it won’t get clean. You have to really scrub at it, like when you’re washing your hair and use hot water and lots of soap, but don’t overdo it on the soap, a nice pump can go a long way. You can soak the really oily and dirty dishes in hot water too for a few minutes. Then you can go back and wash them at the end.” Taeho nods, taking over while Kyungsoo rinses. He’s making note of everything, tucking it into his brain for future use.

“You can’t let the laundry touch the ground when you’re hanging it to dry otherwise you have to start all over,” Kyungsoo says, showing Taeho how to pin some shirts on the drying line outside. “Shake it out like this first,” he says, giving one of Jongin’s shirts a good shake. “Then straighten it out and pin one side up first and then the other. Let it dry for a few hours in the sun and then bring it inside and fold it right away.”

“This is hard,” Taeho says, trying to shake out one of his pants and not get the legs on the ground. “I don’t want to clean anymore. It’s boring.”

Kyungsoo crouches down to meet his eye level, giving him a serious look.

“You have to learn, baby,” he says. “If I don’t teach you now, I don’t know who will.”

“Why can’t you teach me later?” Taeho asks. “When I’m a bigger boy?”

“I don’t know if I’ll still be here later,” Kyungsoo tells him. Taeho looks away, upset.

“Is it going to rain tomorrow?” he asks, shaking out his pants and trying his best to straighten out the legs before reaching for a clip.

“I don’t know,” Kyungsoo answers.

“It needs to rain tomorrow,” is all Taeho says, reaching in the basket for the next damp pair of clothes.

_August 10, 2018_

“Let’s go on a walk tonight,” Kyungsoo says, wiping the dishes that Taeho sets on the dish rack. It’s Taeho’s last day before school starts up again. His summer performance is at the end of the week.

“Can we go, dad?” Taeho asks, turning to look at Jongin.

“Yeah,” Jongin says, smiling at the two of them. “Let’s go.”

They pull on their rain boots because the ground is still muddy from the small shower they got earlier in the afternoon. Taeho is in the middle, swinging Jongin and Kyungsoo’s arms as they walk a trail near their house. He’s talking about how excited he is for the summer performance and he really, really wants Kyungsoo and Jongin to come and see him. Jongin has already taken a half-day so he can make it. Kyungsoo stays quiet. A bunny hops across the trail and Taeho lets go of their hands to go and chase it.

“Don’t go too far ahead,” Kyungsoo calls after him. He drifts closer to Jongin, until their fingers are brushing and then intertwined with each other. Jongin is afraid but he wants to hold on. Kyungsoo’s hand still feels so small and warm in his.

“It’s so nice here,” Kyungsoo says as they slowly follow Taeho, admiring all the trees and forest vegetation around them. There are birds singing in the trees and squirrels running from here to there. “I don’t ever want to leave.”

“You don’t have to,” Jongin says softly.

“Should I stay forever?” Kyungsoo asks. “With you and Taeho?”

“You could,” Jongin says. He can see it, waking up with Kyungsoo in his arms, Taeho right in between them. They’d eat eggs for breakfast, send Taeho off to school, spend some evenings in the bar with Junmyeon and Sehun and the rest of the crew. They would do puzzles in the evening, teach Taeho how to play Monopoly, and go fishing when the river stops flooding. It would be the future he could have had if he hadn’t left Kyungsoo all those years ago.

“He ran away!” Taeho says, running back towards them, catching onto Jongin’s legs. “I couldn’t find him anymore.”

“I think he missed his family,” Jongin says, picking Taeho up, “so he went to go find them.”

“Does he have a daddy and a mommy?” Taeho asks.

“Yup,” Jongin says as they continue to walk.

“What about a Kyungsoo? Does he have a Kyungsoo too?” Taeho wrinkles his nose.

“I think only you have a Kyungsoo,” Jongin pinches his cheek. “You’re special that way.”

 

_August 12, 2018_

“And it looks like our rainy season will soon be coming to an end,” the weather announcer smiles on the screen as the forecast pulls up behind her, the sun cartoon winking in the background. “The heavy clouds are forecasted to pull out by the end of this week and then we’re looking at a humid late summer with averages of 34 degrees for the next three weeks. It’ll be time to break out the slip and slides and swimming pools, your kids are going to miss the cool rain once this heat wave hits us.”

Jongin turns off the TV, his stomach unsettled. Taeho and Kyungsoo are washing their faces in the bathroom before breakfast. Their time is almost up. Kyungsoo hasn’t remembered anything, or at least he hasn’t told Jongin that he remembers. Jongin can’t hold him back any longer. He’ll have to keep his end of the promise and send Kyungsoo back to Seoul soon. It would be wrong to keep Kyungsoo here. It was a mistake to let him stay in the first place. Junmyeon was right. He should have never done this.

 

Kyungsoo makes tonkatsu for them for dinner. Taeho loves it so much. He eats two servings and licks the sauce off his plate. Jongin has to stop him from dipping his finger in the leftover sauce, says he can pack it for lunch tomorrow. They do dishes together, Taeho washing, Jongin rinsing, and Kyungsoo wiping them. Kyungsoo taught Taeho house chores. Taeho likes to tease Jongin and say that he’s a better cleaner than him. Taeho bathes by himself now, saying that he doesn’t need Jongin’s help anymore. Jongin is proud that his boy his growing more independent but it does make him a little sad because one day Taeho will really be a big boy, an adult who doesn’t need Jongin anymore.

 

Jongin is about to slip into dreamland, the soft sound of raindrops slowly lulling him to sleep. The floor is cool and his pillow is perfectly fluffed and just as his eyes are about to shut for good for the night, the door creaks and he blinks awake. He’s expecting Taeho to crawl under the blankets with him but what he gets is Kyungsoo, snuggling close and staring at Jongin.

“What are you doing here?” Jongin asks. Kyungsoo has been wearing Junmyeon’s clothes because they haven’t had the time to go out and buy him any new ones. He doesn’t seem to mind it though. He’s so different from the black tie and suit Kyungsoo that Jongin sees in the headlines.

“I couldn’t sleep,” Kyungsoo says, propping himself up on his elbow. “And Taeho snores,” he chuckles.

“He does,” Jongin laughs back. Kyungsoo scoots closer, so that his head is lying next to Jongin’s heart. Jongin hopes Kyungsoo can’t feel or hear how fast it’s beating. It’s almost embarrassing.

“Are you taking your medicine?” Kyungsoo asks quietly, letting his finger lightly trace over Jongin’s chest.

“Yes,” he answers just as softly. “Everyday.”

“Good,” Kyungsoo nods. “You have to take your medicine.”

They just breathe for a little while, the sound of rain dripping in the background and a subtle warmth growing in between their close bodies. Jongin wants to keep this moment, lock it up and save it in his heart.

“Does it hurt?” Kyungsoo asks. “When you lose control, does it hurt?”

“A lot,” Jongin nods. “It’s so scary. I can never get used to it.”

“Were we in love?” Kyungsoo asks suddenly, looking up to catch Jongin’s gaze, his eyes filled with so much curiosity and hope. Jongin is surprised. He’s only been telling Kyungsoo the simple version of their story, not the part where they were in love.

“We were,” he nods again, “very much in love.”

“I don’t remember it,” Kyungsoo says, sounding very small, “but I think I still love you.” He cranes his neck up, his nose brushing against Jongin’s. The dad’s breath hitches but then he leans forward and their lips are softly pressing together in a kiss. It’s almost instantaneous, the way their bodies react to each other. Jongin’s arms wrap around Kyungsoo’s waist, pulling him in closer and Kyungsoo’s links his arms around Jongin’s neck, opening his mouth into a small moan as Jongin kisses him so deeply. It feels familiar. It feels like home, like coming home after the longest business trip the furthest away.

They kiss until they lose breath, but their mouths stay close together, lips still pressing against each other, exhales becoming each other’s inhales. Jongin is so happy, Kyungsoo falling asleep against him, whining when he tries to pull away and snuggling up even closer. Jongin is happy but why does it still feel like he’s drowning? Like he’s still losing control?

 

_August 14, 2018_

“Have a good day at work,” Kyungsoo says, peeking over Jongin’s shoulder to make sure Taeho is out the door before leaning forward to give Jongin’s lips a short kiss. Jongin smiles into it, stroking the back of Kyungsoo’s neck.

“I’ll see you later,” he promises, their foreheads brushing against each other.

“I’ll be right here,” Kyungsoo smiles, kissing him one last time before sending him off so Taeho won’t be late for school.

The past day has been absolutely amazing. They kiss when Taeho isn’t looking, like teenagers sneaking away to makeout. Jongin holds Kyungsoo in his arms after Taeho goes to bed, tells him about Gill and Gertie. Maybe he’ll get Taeho a gecko for a pet when he’s older, teach him some responsibility. Kyungsoo thinks it’s a great idea, wants to name him Gary after the snail in SpongeBob.

 

That night, they’re lying down together again on the floor of Taeho’s bedroom, giggling as Jongin tells Kyungsoo a story about when three year old Taeho managed to make a whole watermelon fall from the counter and crack in half and they found him eating out of it with his little hands. Kyungsoo can just picture it and it’s so cute in his head that he can’t stop smiling. Jongin thinks he has a photo of it somewhere. He’ll try and dig it out tomorrow to show him.

Speaking of Taeho, the door creaks open and they both turn around to see a very upset seven year old, pouting with his hands crossed over his chest.

“I knew you guys were having fun without me,” he frowns.

“Come here, my baby,” Kyungsoo says, opening his arms wide and Taeho runs to him for a hug before he’s squished in the middle between the two of them.

“What were you guys doing?” Taeho asks, snuggling up against Kyungsoo with his leg kicked out towards Jongin.

“I was telling Kyungsoo about the time you dropped the watermelon and you ate a lot of it before me and mommy found you,” Jongin nuzzles against his soft cheek.

“You were such a silly boy,” Kyungsoo laughs, stroking Taeho’s hair.

“Will you come to my performance tomorrow?” Taeho asks, resting his head on Kyungsoo’s chest. Kyungsoo looks at Jongin.

“I-I don’t know, baby,” Kyungsoo says. “I don’t have any nice clothes to wear.”

“You don’t need nice clothes,” Taeho says. “You can just stand in the back so no one else can see you. I have really good eyesight! I’ll be able to see you.”

“I’ll see what I can do,” Kyungsoo says. He doesn’t promise though.

“I really like this,” Taeho sighs, sleepily rubbing his cheek against Kyungsoo’s neck. “You feel like another parent. You feel like a daddy.”

“Not a mommy?” Kyungsoo teases him.

“No,” Taeho shakes his head. “ A daddy. My daddy.”

Kyungsoo stills for a moment but then he holds Taeho even closer and kisses the side of his head, starting to rock him to bed. Jongin watches them as they fall asleep. He thinks he can see a tear run down Kyungsoo’s face but it might just be the shadow of a raindrop on the window.

 

_August 15, 2018_

Kyungsoo smooths down the edges of one of Junmyeon’s cardigans he found in the pile of clothes. It’s cream colored and the sleeves run a little long but it will have to do. The jeans fit him really well, perfectly worn out so they’re comfortable. Kyungsoo doesn’t have any nice sneakers to go with his outfit so he settles on the dress shoes that he was wearing when he first arrived.

The walk to the town center from the house is long but Kyungsoo enjoys the fresh air. The sun is high in the sky, almost blindingly bright even though it’s still hidden by a few clouds. It makes Kyungsoo a little sad but he just clutches his box closer to him, avoiding looking directly at the cars and other people that pass him on the road.

He gets a little lost but eventually he finds the right place, a tiny bar with a skinny door hidden in between two other shops. He takes a deep breath and then walks in, the bell ringing above him.

“We’re not opened yet,” Junmyeon says, wiping the bar counter with a damp rag.

“I know,” Kyungsoo says. Junmyeon looks up and drops his rag, obviously startled. “I was thinking that it’s time we officially met.”

 

“I just really wanted to thank you for helping Jongin and Taeho and Jisoo out,” Kyungsoo says after he’s seated on a bar stool, sliding the box towards Junmyeon. “It’s a strawberry cheesecake. Jisoo’s recipe had a note on it that it was your favorite.”

Junmyeon takes the box, suspiciously, opening it to look at the cake and then closing it.

“Does Jongin know you’re down here?” He asks with a sigh.

“No,” Kyungsoo answers. “I’m going to see Taeho’s performance.”

Junmyeon’s face falls at that.

“Don’t worry,” Kyungsoo reassures him. “I’m going back home right afterwards. No one will even recognize me.”

“You know?” Junmyeon asks, taken aback.

“I do,” Kyungsoo nods.

“And you’re still here?” Junmyeon continues. Kyungsoo nods again.

“I’m going to ask you for a favor,” he says. “It’s a really big favor but you’re the only person I know who can do it for me.”

 

It’s a little after one in the afternoon and Jongin is getting ready to clock out and head to the school. The summer program starts at one twenty and Taeho’s class is scheduled to perform at around one thirty five. Jongin thinks he’s already a little late but he had to help Mrs. Kwon unlock her locker because she lost her key again. He’s just about to pop into Mr. Lee’s office, let his boss know that he’s off for the day and that he’ll see him again on Monday. Mr. Lee isn’t in his office. That’s strange. Then Jongin hears a high-pitched scream. It’s coming from the pool area. There are more screams and he runs to the pool to see what happened.

The old ladies in the afternoon aerobics class are all huddled to the side, scared and panicking and then Jongin sees it. Mr. Lee is floating face forward in the pool, the ladder slipped halfway into the pool and the light fixture from the ceiling hanging by just a wire. Jongin can see glass floating in the water and blood seeping from Mr. Lee’s head of gray hair.

“Someone call 119!” One of the ladies screams.

“Fuck,” Jongin curses. Fuck. He should’ve ordered those fucking LED lights a long fucking time ago. He takes a second to glance at the clock. One fifteen. He can still make it. He has time. He pulls his shirt over his head before diving into the pool.

 

Kyungsoo walks into the auditorium a little late, so that he doesn’t draw attention. The lights are all dimmed and the kindergarten class is performing a song right now. He finds a spot in the back and sits down, waiting for Taeho’s class. The kindergartners are so cute, all dressed up as little farm animals as the hop around the stage and sing off-key. So many parents are recording them and squealing as their kids do their little solo parts. Kyungsoo claps politely when the kindergartners take their final bows and are ushered off the stage. The principal introduces the next class and Kyungsoo recognizes it as Taeho’s and he sits up straighter to spot the boy. Taeho is in the front row, dressed up as a doctor and he sings and sways with the rest of his class to a song about how they’re going to achieve their dreams and become good, productive adults.

Kyungsoo can see Taeho’s eyes searching through the audience as he sings, scanning everyone’s faces. His smile grows tinier with each passing second, his shoulders becoming small and his mouth no longer singing the words loudly and proudly but just mumbling, almost whispering. Kyungsoo doesn’t know what’s wrong. Is Jongin not sitting further up in the audience? Was he not able to make it? Now that he thinks about it, Kyungsoo hadn’t seen a bike parked up by the bike rack. Where was Jongin?

The music stops suddenly and Taeho’s teacher comes on stage to introduce each one of her students.

“And this is our class’s four square champion, future super model, Ms. Kim Yerin,” she says as a little girl steps out into the spotlight and bows before striking a pose with her pink feather boa and explaining what she wants to do in the future as a model.

“And this little boy right here is our class’s butterfly whisperer, future zookeeper, Mr. Lee Jinsoo!” Another boy steps out, dressed in a safari costume with a fake tarantula sitting on his shoulder. The introductions continue but all Kyungsoo can focus on his Taeho, who’s looking down on at the floor and squeezing his stethoscope so tightly in his hand.

“And our last fabulous student, voted the class’s kindest friend and best artist is future Doctor Kim Taeho,” the teacher announces proudly. Taeho seems to be in a daze. He doesn’t step out. Kyungsoo feels his heart stop. The other parents begin to whisper.

“Taeho?” The teacher asks, worriedly, taking a step towards him. One of the other boys next to him touches his shoulder lightly and he finally seems to shake out of his slump, looking into the audience terrified. But then he steps out and he brings his hands together nervously as the mic is adjusted to his height.

“I-I want to be a doctor in the future,” he says quietly, scanning the crowd again with hesitant eyes. “I want to be a doctor so I can save people and they don’t have to go to Cloudland early.” His voice is trembling and his eyes are getting wet with unshed tears. “I-I,” he tries to continue but he’s struggling, eyes desperately searching for Jongin in the audience.

Kyungsoo can’t take it anymore and he stands up from his seat and begins to wave his hand so that Taeho can see him. His baby looks like he’s about to breakdown on stage and Kyungsoo jumps up, waving his hand even more vigorously. Taeho finally sees him and he mouths a silent ‘ _Daddy?’_

Kyungsoo nods, feeling the tears run down his face. _‘I’m right here, baby. You’re not alone.’_

Taeho takes a deep breath and starts again, “I want to be a doctor so I can-,” he pauses again, thinking. There are more whispers and Kyungsoo is so worried.

“I want to cook good eggs in the future,” Taeho says, looking Kyungsoo straight in the eyes. “So dad can take a break and eat yummy food. I want to vacuum the house every weekend and sweep the floor after I eat, so dad can live in a nice clean house. I want to do the laundry and hang it out in the sun to dry, so dad can wear nice clothes to work and buy himself a lot of nice things. In the future, I want to make my dad proud,” he says with a final bow before going back to his spot. Everyone claps for him, some parents and his teacher wipe away the tears in their eyes. Everyone knows what happened to Jisoo last year. Everyone knows how wonderful of a child Taeho is.

“And that was our lovely class,” Taeho’s teacher says. All the students bow again and wave at the parents. Taeho’s eyes never leave Kyungsoo and Kyungsoo blows him a kiss that makes him smile so brightly. _‘That’s my baby,’_ Kyungsoo mouths at him. _‘I love you.’_

Kyungsoo leaves before the second grade class comes on to perform, not wanting to draw any attention to himself. He stops by a flower shop and picks up a bouquet of red roses for Taeho when he comes home. He also gets a packet of chrysanthemum seeds. They can plant them together in the yard today so they’ll bloom prettily in the fall.

 

Taeho is writing in his reflection journal, taking a sip out of his juice box as he waits for Jinsoo’s mom to get him a slice of pizza. They’re having a celebration party after their performance but Taeho is okay that Jongin isn’t here because Kyungsoo came to his performance and that made him so happy. Besides, Jinsoo’s mom is really nice and she said that he had the best performance, right after Jinsoo of course. He and Jinsoo and Minwoo are sitting together, waiting for their pizza and talking about what they’re going to do for the weekend. Maybe he and dad and _daddy_ can go out on another walk and try to find the bunny and his family. Or maybe Uncle Junmyeon and Sehun can come over and they can do a movie night with popcorn and Sehun can make him a milkshake.

“Look! The sun is finally coming out from behind the clouds!” Yerin says from where she’s staring out the window. Taeho drops his pencil and he runs to the window and looks out and up. The wind is blowing the clouds away and the bright yellow sun is in full view for the first time in weeks.

“I guess the rainy season is over,” his teacher says happily as she switches their weather tracker board from a rainy picture to one with a smiling sun.

“No,” Taeho whispers to himself. “No, no, no, no, no,” he repeats as he runs out of the classroom, ignoring the calls of his teacher and classmates behind him.

 

Kyungsoo is bringing out two pots of water and he found a shovel and some other tools in the shed so that he and Taeho can start planting right away when he gets home from school. He’s thinking they can finally de weed the yard too and clean up some of the overgrown bushes and branches. He feels a cool breeze and then a sudden warmth on his face and he looks up, the sun beaming down on him as he shields his eyes. The rain is over. His time here is almost up.

He goes back inside the house to work on some cookies and lemonade for Taeho when he gets home. Then he hears the front door kick open.

“Kyungsoo!” Taeho’s voice rings throughout the house. Kyungsoo pauses, confused. What is he doing home already? He still has an hour of school left.

“Taeho?” He calls out, meeting the boy at the front door. Taeho is sweaty and panting and his nose is running and his face is wet with tear tracks.

“Don’t go,” Taeho throws himself at Kyungsoo, holding onto him tightly. “Don’t listen to the raindrop fairy. Don’t take the raindrop train back. Don’t go back to Cloudland. Please don’t leave _me_!” Taeho cries as he fights to be in Kyungsoo’s embrace.

“Taeho,” Kyungsoo tries to soothe him. “Calm down, baby. It’s okay. You need to calm down.”

“Don’t leave,” Taeho whimpers, collapsing against Kyungsoo.

“Oh, baby,” Kyungsoo whispers, holding him tight. There’s the sound of cars outside, loud as they pull into the driveway. That’s weird. No one drives up this far but Junmyeon. No one ever visits them.

“Let me go see what that is, okay?” Kyungsoo says. He lets go of Taeho but the boy holds onto him tightly, fingernails digging into Kyungsoo’s skin.

“Be a good boy,” Kyungsoo tells him. Taeho is hesitant, but then he nods and lets go. Kyungsoo straightens himself up and opens the front door. He’s immediately ambushed by a group of men in dark suits and sunglasses.

“Hands up,” they bark at him. Kyungsoo automatically throws his hands up.

“Wait,” one of them says. “It’s President Doh’s son.”

“Target located,” another one of them says into a walkie-talkie. “Bringing him home.”

“Let’s go Mr. Doh,” someone else says, gently pushing his arms down. “We’ve been looking for you for a long time.”

“Go where?” Kyungsoo asks, overwhelmed with everything.

“Home,” the man says. “Back to the Blue House.”

They’re taking Kyungsoo by the arms, gently leading him towards the car.

“Where are you taking him?” Taeho calls out from the porch. Kyungsoo whips around. Taeho looks distraught.

“We got an issue,” one of the men says into walkie-talkie. “We’ll handle it. Target will be back in Seoul in three hours.”

“Leave him alone!” Taeho says, walking down the stairs and kicking the shins of one of the men. “He’s not going anywhere with you!” Two men grab Taeho by the arms and Kyungsoo pushes his own guard away from him.

“Let go of him,” he says. “Don’t you dare touch him.” They let go of Taeho and the boy runs to Kyungsoo, holding onto his legs.

“Kyungsoo,” he cries, scared of what’s going on. He wants to be held and Kyungsoo bends down, holding him close.

“Taeho, baby, you need to listen to me, okay?” he says, wiping away Taeho’s tears and soothing his face. “You need to be the best boy for dad.”

“No,” Taeho sobs, shaking his head. “I don’t want you to leave. I don’t want you to go.”

“I know, baby,” Kyungsoo says, caressing his neck and kissing the side of his head. “I know you don’t want me to leave but I think it’s time.”

“No,” Taeho cries again. “Don’t leave me.”

“Taeho, do you remember what the raindrop fairy said to mommy penguin?” Kyungsoo asks him. He nods his head but he’s still crying, his little body trembling. “The raindrop fairy said that mommy has to get on the raindrop train so that she can come back. She can’t miss her chance to go back to Cloudland otherwise she’s lost forever. I have to go, baby.”

Taeho shakes his head.

“I shouldn’t have been born,” Taeho says. Kyungsoo begins to cry at that and it’s his turn to shake his head.

“Don’t say that, baby,” Kyungsoo cups his head and cradles it in his palms. “Why would you say that, baby?”

“Because everyone leaves me,” Taeho bawls. “Mommy left me and now you’re going to leave me and dad will probably leave me in the future too so it would be better if I just wasn’t born.”

“Don’t think like that, Taeho,” Kyungsoo shakes his head, sniffling. “You being born was the greatest gift that me and dad and mommy could have ever asked for. Your mommy loved you _so_ much. She was so happy that you came into her life. She _lived_ for you, Taeho. You changed her life and she was so happy that you were her baby. And dad, dad loves you so much too. He tries so hard to take care of you well. Everything he does is for you, so that you can live the best life possible. And me, baby, for me you are so special. I love you so, _so_ much and I’m going to miss you so much but right now I have to go. You are the best thing to ever been born and you are _so_ loved. Don’t you ever forget that.”

“You’re really going to go?” Taeho says, with sniffle.

“I have to,” Kyungsoo breaks down. He doesn’t have a choice right now.

“Will you come back?” Taeho asks.

“I’m going to try my best,” Kyungsoo nods, tears shaking out of his eyelashes.

“I’m going to miss you,” Taeho whimpers again.

“Me too, baby,” Kyungsoo hugs him close, kissing him. “You need to be so good for dad.” Taeho sucks in a breath and nods. Kyungsoo can tell he’s trying to be brave, a big boy.

 

Jongin wakes up as he’s being loaded onto the ambulance. He’s disorientated but there’s just one thing on his mind. Taeho.

“What time is it?” he asks groggily to the EMT who’s handling him.

“It’s two o’clock,” the guy says.

“Fuck,” Jongin says, rolling himself off the cot. “I’m late.”

“Sir, you need to stay in the ambulance,” the guy tells him. “We need to get you to the hospital.”

“No,” Jongin says. “I’m late. I need to go.” He pushes the EMT away and stumbles towards his bike. “I need to go.” He gets on it and pedals as fast as he can to the school. He can’t let Taeho down. He needs to be there.

 

When he gets to the school there’s a huge crowd in the yard. He tosses his bike to the ground. He’s exhausted but he can feel himself recuperating slowly.

“Taeho’s daddy!” One of Taeho’s classmates runs up to him.

“W-where’s Taeho?” He asks, catching his breath.

“He left in the middle of class!” The boy says.

“What?” Jongin asks.

“Mr. Kim,” Taeho’s teacher comes up to him. “I’ve been trying to call you but Taeho ran out and we haven’t been able to find him.” Ran out? What is going on? Then he feels it, the sun’s rays warming his drenched skin.

“Are you all looking for him?” Jongin asks, already grabbing his bike and getting back on it. Everyone in the school is out in the yard, all the parents who came to the program too.

“No,” she shakes her head. “There were three black cars that drove by too. They looked like they came from Seoul so we came out to investigate. They were dressed in suits, asked if we’ve seen the President’s son.”

“No,” Jongin whispers. “I have to go. I know where Taeho is. He’s okay. Please don’t worry about him.” He rides away before the teacher can ask him any more questions.

He’s never pedaled so hard in his life before but he’s desperate. He needs to get home. He needs to be there. He runs over something in the road and he feels the front wheel deflate. Out of all the fucking days. He gets off his bike, leaves it on the side as he runs the rest of the way. He can feel it, his heart constricting but he pushes through. Two attacks in a day isn’t good for him but that doesn’t matter right now. He needs to get to Taeho. He needs to get to Kyungsoo.

He’s panting hard when he turns the curve leading to their house. His eyesight is blurring and his muscles are so sore, t-shirt dripping in chlorinated water and sweat. He can make out the outline of three black cars and lots of men. There’s Kyungsoo in a cream cardigan. Taeho is there too. His precious Taeho. He’s being held by two of the men, much bigger than him.

“Taeho,” Jongin calls out, bending down to catch his breath. The men turn their attention towards him.

“Get your hands up!” they bark out at him, holding up stun guns. “On your knees!”

“Dad!” He hears Taeho scream for him.

“Jongin?” Kyungsoo calls out.

He collapses to his knees, heaving for one nice breath. God, please just give him one nice breath to get him through this. He feels his hands being held behind his back and he doesn’t resist.

“Dad,” Taeho’s hands are on his face. “Dad, are you okay?” His son is crying. Jongin doesn’t want Taeho to cry.

“Get the kid away,” one of the men says. Oh no. Please don’t take Taeho away from him.

“He’s hurt,” he can hear Kyungsoo crying out. “Please don’t touch him. He’s having an attack. Call an ambulance! Don’t hurt him!”

“Get him in the car and back to Seoul,” one of the men calls out.

“Get in the car Mr. Doh,” he can hear someone tell Kyungsoo. “You need to go home. We’ll handle it from here.”

“You need to help him,” Kyungsoo is sobbing. “He’s not okay right now. He needs medical attention. Jongin!” Kyungsoo’s voice becomes muffled, the sound of a car door shutting. Jongin can hear an engine starting. Kyungsoo is leaving. The SUV is driving away and Jongin closes his eyes, trying so hard to just fucking breath.

“No!” He hears Taeho screaming. “Daddy!”

“Hold the kid back,” someone yells out. “Don’t let him run after the car!”

“Bring my daddy back!” Taeho is sobbing. Jongin wants to hold him, tell him that it’s going to be okay, that _he’s_ here. He doesn’t get the chance to though. He passes out, falling face forward onto the road.

 

_August 16, 2018_

“It’s short term memory loss,” the doctor says, reading throughout the report. “Other than that, he’s in perfect health, even a little weight gain since his last check up.”

“When will he regain his memories?” Kyungsoo’s dad asks. Kyungsoo is sitting on the hospital bed, staring out the window. Seoul is gray. He misses the greenery of Jongin’s yard.

“I can’t say for sure,” the doctor tells them. “Only time will tell. It would be good for him to keep a regular routine, similar to the one he had before the accident. Show him pictures, let him soak in the atmosphere.”

“Thank you, doc,” the president says. “You can leave now.” The doctor nods, wishing Kyungsoo a healthy recovery and to call him if there are any questions or emergencies.

“Are you ready to go home?” President Doh asks. Kyungsoo doesn’t know where home is anymore.

 

_August 17, 2018_

“Oh, sweetheart!” A girl with long red nails and a Chanel two-piece suit comes running into his room, her heels clicking against the tiles. She cups his cheeks and kisses both sides.

“Who are you?” Kyungsoo asks, even though he has a pressing idea.

“Sweetheart,” she gasps, sounding offended.

“He lost his memory, darling,” another woman comes into his bedroom, closing the double doors. “I’m sure he’ll remember soon though.”

“I was so worried about you,” she cries, wrapping her arms around his neck and practically sitting on his lap. “I knew you we would find you though. Your dad worked so hard behind the scenes to get them to search for you. How did you even end up in a car accident that far out from Seoul? You must have been so confused when you woke up.”

Kyungsoo doesn’t answer. He doesn’t know this girl, doesn’t want to get to know her.

“I kept up with the wedding planning though,” she smiles at him, teeth bleached pearly white. “I changed the napkin colors to that aqua blue that you like.”

“That sounds nice,” he answers to be polite.

“And we changed the second tier of the cake from the strawberry filling to the raspberry one, but we’re still going with buttercream frosting. The whipped just won’t hold up as well.”

“Can you please get off me?” Kyungsoo asks, taking in a deep breath.

“He needs some space, darling,” the other woman says. “Why don’t you get one of the picture albums and go through it with them. It might spark a memory for him.”

 

_August 19, 2018_

Kyungsoo has been sitting in this mansion for two days and he’s never been so bored in his life. Even sitting in Jongin and Taeho’s house for those first few days hadn’t been this bad. At least he had things to clean and the house to explore. Everything here feels too pristine, too untouchable. He’s not even interested in the photo albums that they keep on presenting him. He’s smiling in those pictures but Kyungsoo doesn’t feel like he was really happy.

His fiancée, Miho, visits him every few hours, asking about more wedding things, asking him if he remembers yet. It’s annoying. She’s trying her best but Kyungsoo is just so fucking annoyed with everything here.

He’s heard about what happened, how they found him. They had tried to locate his phone but it had been broken in the crash. After weeks of trying they were finally able to get the weakest signal but they took it and they found the crash site, his car smashed up against a tree trunk. Then there was an undercover team that had mapped the area and the trails that he could have stumbled upon. Someone finally saw him that morning, when he left the house to go see Taeho’s performance. They called for backup right away. They were there in hours, ready to take Kyungsoo back. No one knows why Kyungsoo was headed that direction. It’s a complete mystery that they cannot answer.

He asks about Jongin. He was taken to the hospital and treated, forced to be in-patient for two days. Then he was released. Kyungsoo’s dad had recognized the name and he let it go, no charges pressed. No one will tell Kyungsoo what’s going on with Taeho.

 

_August 25, 2018_

Kyungsoo still doesn’t remember anything, no matter how many news articles and pictures and ‘favorite meals’ they shove in his face. He doesn’t want truffle mac and cheese and hundred dollar steaks. He wants chicken sandwiches with grapes and tonkatsu so good that you lick the plate. He wants burnt eggs and greasy nachos and chocolate milkshakes with way more whipped cream than shake.

His bed here is memory foam but he misses the squeak of Jisoo’s mattress when Taeho wiggles around trying to find his comfortable spot. He misses the floor and Jongin’s arms, the smell of his body wash, thick and clean. He misses the sound of rain, hates the sound of cars honking all the time.

 

“Well here you go, Mr. Doh,” the young lady opens the glass door for him. “This is your office.”

Kyungsoo stands at the entrance, his freshly polished shoes gleaming and his navy blue suit crisp. He’s on the top floor of this building.

“Thank you,” he nods. He glances around the large room, taking in the minimalistic interior. He has several bookshelves filled with thick volumes. There’s a sleek black couch and clear coffee table and some black and white landscape canvases hung up. There’s also the mahogany desk, the one he saw in that single flashback.

“We left everything exactly the way you left it,” his secretary tells him. “It was for the investigation process but President Doh says that it might help you recall something too.”

“Thank you,” he says again.

“It’s nice to have you back, Mr. Doh,” she bows her head before leaving him, retreating back to her own desk just right outside.

Kyungsoo undoes his suit jacket and hangs it on his chair, letting out a sigh. This was his life.

 

He sits at the desk, trying to feel if it evokes any emotions, any memories from him. The view of Seoul from his glass walls is nice. It’s so quiet here, not even the sound of a cricket or a birdcall. There are thousands of people working in this building, right below him. He’s never felt lonelier. He really misses Taeho and Jongin. He wonders if Taeho found the chrysanthemum seeds or if they were lost in the madness of it all.

He sighs again, slaps his face lightly. He needs to stop feeling sorry for himself. He has work to get back to, a wedding to get ready for, a role he needs to play. His father’s reelection campaign is starting up again. He needs to be a good son, make a good impression on the public again. He’s already been gone for more than a month and there are rumors everywhere about him. He needs to prove them all wrong.

He looks down, ready to organize whatever files he left. It looks like he was going through mail. He has an unopened stack of them sitting on one side of his desk and some torn up envelopes on the other side along with a stack of opened letters in a _need to respond to_ and a _don’t respond_ pile. There’s one letter that stands out though, sitting in the middle of his desk. It’s the handwriting that stands out to him. The same handwriting that last taught him how to bake Junmyeon’s favorite strawberry cheesecake. He picks up the letter, unfolds it and begins to read.

 

_My dearest brother,_

 

_I can still call you that right? My brother. My twin. My other half._

_I understand if it makes you uncomfortable. We haven’t spoken in almost a decade. I don’t even know if you want to speak to me. I don’t even know if you’ll read this letter but I had to try._

 

_I apologize for only reaching out now and only with bad news. I always come to you with bad news, don’t I? I’m sorry, Kyungsoo. I’m so sorry for everything. The last time I wrote to you it was to tell you that mom died. This time, it’s to tell you that it’s me. I’m dying._

 

_I have stage four gastric cancer. It’s spread nearly everywhere now and no treatments are working. Nothing has worked from the beginning. I’m slowly and painfully dying at a time where I’m the happiness in my life. I guess it’s karma that has finally swung back to get me. Looking back at it now, maybe I should’ve been nicer and less selfish but then I wouldn’t have all the things I have right now. I’m dying but I’m also the happiest I’ve ever been in my life. I don’t regret anything and I wouldn’t change it for anything else. I would do it all over again if I had the chance, even hurting you._

 

_The last time we talked you told me you hated me. You probably still hate me. I don’t blame you. But I just wanted to let you know that I don’t hate you. I was jealous, yes, but I never hated you. I love you, Kyungsoo. So much. I’m so sorry that we turned out this way and none of it is your fault. It’s dad’s fault. And mom’s fault. And my fault but none of it is on you. You were just another casualty in the torn battlefield of our family’s war. You did nothing wrong, Kyungsoo. The rest of us were fucked up. You and I were born into this messed up family and maybe I was destined for it but you deserved better. You will always deserve better._

 

_So I’m going to be selfish one last time and ask you for a favor. It’s the biggest favor I’ll ever ask you in my entire (short) life and it’s a huge burden but I’ve always been the selfish twin and you’ve always been the selfless one._

 

_I have a son. His name is Taeho and he’s six years old. He is the best little boy in the entire world. He is my everything. He is all things good and pure in this world and I am heartbroken that I will be leaving him behind in a few short days. I know it might be hard for you to believe but his existence alone has made me such a better person. I stopped smoking and drinking when I learned I was pregnant with him. The parties and the clubs those all stopped too. From the moment I saw those two little lines on that stick, it was as if my only reason to exist in this world was so that Taeho could be born. He is the most precious thing to me, right next to you._

 

_The reckless girl that you parted with, she became a good mother and wife. Cooking, cleaning, child rearing, it was all so hard to learn but I did all of it because I wanted Taeho to have the best life possible. I wanted him to only have good memories growing up. I was going to make him the happiest child in the world. And he’s a very happy child. Jongin says that he shines brighter than any sun or star in this universe and I agree with my entire heart._

 

_I’m afraid that he might shine a little less bright when I’m gone though. It’s okay for him to miss me because I’m going to miss him terribly but I don’t want my death to mark a dark spot in his life the way that our mother’s did for mine. I’m letting go of the very last shred of pride I have and asking if you can take care of him when I’m gone._

 

_I know I’m being selfish. I know it’s a big burden on you. But I’m not asking for you to drop your entire life to become Taeho’s full time guardian. It would just be nice if you popped in every once in a while and did a puzzle with him or read him a book to bed. Taeho only has me and Jongin and I guess his Uncle Junmyeon. I don’t want him to grow up lonely. You and I both know what it feels like, being lonely. That feeling didn’t start for me until you moved away though. I was never lonely with you around._

 

_Taeho would love you. I think you would like him a lot too. He’s not too loud and he listens well to adults. He likes board games and card games and puzzles and he’s absolutely horrible at sports but he’s a fast runner, just like you were. He’s smart and creative and he’s funny. His favorite animal is also a penguin. I don’t know how that happened but he loves those little guys. He reminds me so much of you. That might be my fault though._

 

_When I was pregnant and found out I was expecting a boy, I prayed so hard every single night that he would turn out to be like you because his dad was the ultimate dick and our dad really isn’t any better. You were the one guy that I knew that was good no matter what. I suck at biology. You were always the better one at school but I figured that if you and I were twins and we only differed by one type of chromosome, enough of us would be the same that Taeho would be more like you instead of me. I wanted so badly for him to be like you. Smart, loyal, kind, selfless. I think I prayed hard enough because he’s good like you. I thank the heavens every day that he’s nothing like me. He even looks like you. Jongin and I were thinking of naming him after you but that hurt too much so we didn’t._

 

_Jongin. He still loves you. It’s always been you. He’s never been in love with me. We’ve been married for six years now and he’s never once looked at me the way he’s always looked at you._

_Do you want to know a secret? Jongin isn’t even Taeho’s biological dad. I’ve never slept with him. Taeho’s sperm donor was a sorry excuse of a loser who sprinted the other direction the moment I even mentioned the possibility of being pregnant. The only reason Jongin married me was because of you. I ran to him crying because he was the only person I knew in this town and I was so scared and alone. If I weren’t your twin and in trouble, he would’ve never helped me. The only reason why he’s stuck around for this long is because Taeho reminds him of you._

 

_He’s a good husband and an even better dad. He works hard to support us and he always makes the time to play with Taeho. No one would ever even guess that he doesn’t share blood with my son. He doesn’t love me but he tries to make it seem that way in front of Taeho and the others. Everyone thinks that we’re happy and we are. It’s just not the same type of happiness he would share with you. He’s been so strong throughout this entire situation. Taking me to appointments, holding my hand when things are too painful, helping me keep promises to Taeho. I couldn’t have asked for a better savior and I have you to thank for that. He was your best friend. You let go of him for me. Everything good I have in my life I have you to thank for._

 

_So please, Kyungsoo, be selfless one last time for me and come back. Meet Taeho and love him just as much if not more than I do. Give Jongin another chance because he’s been waiting patiently for it. He’s never given up on you. Please don’t give up on them too._

 

_Again, I’m sorry for everything and I love you._

 

_-Jisoo_

 

The letter is crumpled in Kyungsoo’s hands by the time he’s done reading it, tears blurring his vision and smudging the ink on the letter. He’s shaking as he drops the letter, bringing his hands into his chest and curling them into a fist so tight to stop himself from trembling.

“Jisoo,” he says her name, his voice trembling. “You fucking idiot. You’re such an idiot, you stupid girl.”

He wants to fucking scream and shout and just cry because he remembers it now. He remembers it all.

 

_2003_

“Just fucking ask him, dude,” Kyungsoo hears from behind him and he rolls his eyes. It’s just so typical. They move towns and the same shit happens over and over again.

“You think he’s going to say yes?” He hears.

“Of course he will! You have a fucking basketball court in your yard. He’d be an idiot to turn you down.”

There’s a tap on his shoulder and Kyungsoo turns around, not bothering to hide his annoyance.

“Hey, dude,” one of the guys in his class says, trying to act cool. Kyungsoo can see through it all.

“Hello,” he responds politely.

“I’m having a get together this weekend at my house, drinks and snacks and some noraebang. Do you want to come?” he gets asked.

“Me?” Kyungsoo points to himself.

“Yeah,” the guy nods. “You can bring your sister, Jisoo, right? She can come too.” Kyungsoo has to mentally restrain himself from rolling his eyes in front of this guy.

“Sorry,” he says. “We have a family event this weekend.”

“Oh,” the guy says, taken aback. “Well maybe next time then?”

“Sure,” Kyungsoo says, turning back to his desk to signify that he wants to be left alone.

 

“Here’s another one,” he tosses a crunky bar into Jisoo’s lap where she’s watching TV, some idol reality show.

“Ooh,” she gushes, unwrapping the plastic and breaking off a chunk of the chocolate. “Anything else good in that bag?”

“Just letters and some of those caramel hearts that you hate,” Kyungsoo answers.

“Disgusting,” she makes a face. “Burn it all!”

“Gladly,” Kyungsoo laughs, dumping the bag and saving the caramels for their mom but tossing the letters into their fire pit.

“I got invited to a sleepover this weekend,” Jisoo tells him.

“What’s the catch?” Kyungsoo asks. There’s always a catch.

“They want _you_ to drop me off and pick me up,” Jisoo rolls her eyes.

“Forget about it,” Kyungsoo says. “I’m not going anywhere near that girl’s house.”

“I don’t even know why they like you,” Jisoo laughs. “You’re so boring and nerdy.”

“Thanks,” Kyungsoo deadpans. “You really raise my self esteem.”

“That’s my job,” Jisoo winks at him. “I’m the best twin in the world,” she offers him a piece of her bitten chocolate. Kyungsoo swipes it out of her hand, taking another bite out of it.

“You’re the worst,” he laughs.

 

Kyungsoo is busy catching up on the chapter for his literature class while everyone else is last minute cramming for the math exam. He had studied enough last night, forsaking his reading assignment.

“Hey,” there’s a knock on his desk. Kyungsoo looks up and sees Kim Jongin, the handsome guy who sits in the fourth row. He sleeps sometimes in class when Kyungsoo looks back. Kyungsoo already knows what this guy wants.

“Look, buddy,” Kyungsoo starts. “If you want to date my sister, just go ask her yourself. I’m not playing cupid messenger for any of you and frankly it’s getting annoying and I’m running out of plastic bags.”

“What?” Jongin responds, a confused look in his eyes.

“Just leave me and Jisoo alone,” Kyungsoo grumbles, sinking back into his chair and opening his book to continue reading.

“I was just going to ask if I could borrow a pencil,” Jongin says.

“Oh.” Now Kyungsoo feels like an idiot for being such a dumbass. He reaches into a bag and hands Jongin one of his pencils. “Good luck on your test,” he says as an apology for being rude. Then he goes back to his book. He has three pages left to read before their teacher comes in.

“Thanks,” Jongin says before disappearing back into the fourth row.

Kyungsoo doesn’t remember the pencil until he’s laying out his school supplies that night. He usually has four pencils in his bag, just in case he loses one or breaks the tip. There’s only three though. Jongin has his fourth one.

 

Kyungsoo feels his leg cramp up mid stroke and he grabs it, feeling his body dip below the water. He struggles to break the surface again for air but his muscle is just so tight and he’s in so much pain. He swallows a gulp of water and tries to spit out. The bubbles in his ear recognize Jisoo screaming above him. All of a sudden he is breaking through the surface, a strong body underneath his and his leg pulls in away that relieves the cramp and he coughs the water out, holding on tightly to his rescuer.

He gets set on the pool deck and continues to cough, spittles of water coming out of him. Someone is rubbing his legs, trying to calm him down. Kyungsoo is still shaken up and he’s so embarrassed.

“Are you okay?” The person asks him. Kyungsoo’s knows that voice. It’s Jongin. His pencil thief. The school’s star swimmer. He nods, feeling every inch of him burn red. He stands up and leaves the pool, ignoring the calls of his gym teacher and his classmates.

 

“What a fucking weirdo,” Jisoo makes a face, hanging up the phone.

“Who was that?” Kyungsoo asks her.

“Some dumbo who hung up after I said hello,” she tells him. “Dad says that it happened to him a few days ago.”

“Oh,” Kyungsoo says. “I wonder if it was the same person.” He gets curious and looks up the call history on the home phone. They have one of those new digital phones, the one that displays the incoming number. There’s a repeat call that only lasts a few seconds and Kyungsoo looks up the number in the phonebook. It’s linked back to Kim Jongin’s family. Why is Kim Jongin calling his house?

The phone rings again two days later and Kyungsoo is near it. He looks at the incoming number, recognizing it and he holds his breath. Kim Jongin is calling again. He stares at it nervously and then picks it up.

“Hello?” he asks, trying to sound as calm as possible. No one answers. He frowns.

“Hello?” he tries again. “Is anyone there? If you aren’t going to say anything, I’m going to hang up.”

“It’s me!” Jongin blurts out quickly and Kyungsoo can’t stop the small smile growing on his face. “Kim Jongin from school.”

“Oh,” Kyungsoo replies. “Did you need something?”

He’s bouncing on his toes, peering around the room to make sure no one else is around to witness him having a minor breakdown.

“Jongin? Are you still there?” Kyungsoo asks when there’s no response.

“Your pencil!” Jongin says. “I never gave you your pencil back.”

“Pencil?” Kyungsoo questions. “Ohh that pencil.” The pencil he took during that math test all those months ago, that fourth pencil. What a random thing to call about.

“Yeah,” Jongin mumbles,. “Can we meet up? So I can return it?”

“You want to meet me?” Kyungsoo asks, his face growing pink. All for a little pencil? Is this Jongin wanting to meet him?

“Yeah,” Jongin says.

“How about this Friday?” Kyungsoo says. “At the cafe with the geckos? Around three?” He’s waiting for it, for Jongin to ask for Jisoo.

“Friday,” Jongin breathes out. “I’ll be there.” He doesn’t talk about Jisoo.

“I’ll see you then, Jongin,” Kyungsoo says. He hangs up before Jongin can ask about Jisoo. The little smile stays on his face all throughout dinner and he can’t wait to see Jongin, oh, and get his pencil back.

 

Jongin takes him to the aquarium, listens to all his rambles about penguins and jellyfish and how much he misses George, the gecko, already. They eat kimbap on a bench. Jongin gets rice stuck on the side of his lip and Kyungsoo is about to point it out but he licks it off. Jongin smiles a lot and Kyungsoo thinks he’s really handsome. They stay until the aquarium closes and rides the bus back home. Jongin falls asleep on his shoulder and Kyungsoo tries to stay really still so he won’t wake up. When they get off the bus, Kyungsoo asks for his pencil. Jongin doesn’t have it, his face embarrassed but his eyes looking too beautiful underneath the moonlight. Kyungsoo asks him out to the movies so he can get his pencil back then.

 

_2004_

Jongin becomes a constant in his life. They sit in the same row as school and walk home together every day. Jongin eats dinner at his house at least three days out of the week and he goes over to Jongin’s often too. His parents call Jongin their second son, the third part of their triplets. They play video games together, study together, do almost everything together.

Kyungsoo’s dad gets a promotion and spends a lot more time in Seoul. At first, nothing changes. They’re still the same family even if they only have dinner together every other day now. Things go bad quickly though, when his dad wants to commit more to Seoul than to his family. He and mom fight almost every night that he’s home, over money, over the future, over him and Jisoo. It escalates one day from just a verbal disagreement to full on shouting. Kyungsoo hates it when his parents scream because they don’t listen to each other. They’re just trying to outdo each other. Jisoo, the fucking idiot she is, decides that she has a say in whatever they’re arguing about. She’s yelling at dad too, trying to defend mom but she’s calling him names and saying awful things and Kyungsoo sees it before he can stop it. The slap is so loud that it rings in Kyungsoo’s ears. He can’t even tell that there are tears in his eyes or that everyone has finally shut up. His dad crumbles to the floor, holding Jisoo’s red face in his hands as he cries. Kyungsoo’s mom is yelling again, asking him how could he do it. How could he hit his daughter? Kyungsoo runs into his room, picking up his phone and dialing the only person he even likes in this world right now.

Jongin is so patient with him, just staying on the line, letting him cry and just existing. He wants to fold himself into Jongin’s arms, feel his chest rise and fall with each breath. That would calm him down faster. There’s no way he would let Jongin come over right now though and he’d be a fool to leave the house right now.

“You know that I’ll always be there for you, right?” Jongin says.

“I know,” Kyungsoo sniffles. “That’s why I called you.”

“Should we go see George this weekend?” He asks. “It’s been a while.” Jongin always knows just what to say.

“Please,” Kyungsoo says. “Let’s visit George and go to the arcade. I need to get out of here for a while.”

“Sounds like a plan,” Jongin tells him. “My treat.”

 

_2005_

Jisoo is never the same after that night. Kyungsoo catches her smoking in the alley behind their house in the middle of the night. He hears her sneak out when mom is asleep, only coming back after the sun rises. She smells like alcohol after she comes out of the bathroom. Kyungsoo notices their dad’s wine supply dipping suspiciously low after a few weeks. He rescues her when she gets too drunk at parties, Jongin tagging along for emotional support. He’s trying to convince himself that it’s just a phase. She’ll come out of it soon enough. He’s disgusted with her behavior. No matter how many times she throws up in the toilet though, Kyungsoo is always there to hold her hair back and hand her a new toothbrush.

 

_2006_

Kyungsoo’s parents are getting a divorce. They have been non-stop fighting for a year now, dishes thrown at the door, windows broken. It’s embarrassing when it happens when Jongin is around. Jongin knows his parents, knows that they aren’t these type of people. The hard truth to accept is that this is who they’ve become. Jongin feels like home now. Kyungsoo just wants to be with Jongin all the time.

 

Dad storms in one day, months after the divorce. He tells Kyungsoo to pack his things, tells Jongin to go home when he tries to intervene. Kyungsoo is terrified. His mom is yelling again and Jisoo is so pale as she sits in the background, trying not to get involved. His mom slaps his dad and he’s about to hit her back but Kyungsoo yells at him to stop. He gets up and gets his things, follows his dad to the car just so he can get out of there, away from his mom so she can stay safe. The drive to Seoul is longer than he’s expected. The new apartment is so empty and it smells weird. He calls Jongin, trying so hard not to cry.

 

_2007_

Kyungsoo loves it that Jongin is in Seoul with him. He can just hop on the subway and be in Jongin’s arms and surrounded by Jongin’s scent. He’s in love with Jongin. He’s felt this way for a long time. He kisses Jongin one day and the boy kisses him back. The whole world feels like its perfect, even though he hasn’t seen his mom and Jisoo for a year now. He thinks that as long as he has Jongin, he’ll be okay.

 

Life changes again when his dad becomes the mayor. Kyungsoo is thrust in the spotlight. He’s expected to be good and proper at all times. He meets so many new people and he has to memorize so many faces and names. He also gets a new stepmom. She’s nice enough to him and he doesn’t mind her cooking. He misses his mom terribly though and Jisoo too. They’ve been causing trouble back at home. Kyungsoo wishes that they would just stop and move on. He wishes that they could all be happy again, even if it’s not together.

He argues with Jisoo over the phone almost every other day. She spends money like its made out of air. She isn’t taking care of mom like she’s supposed to. He gets so upset at her because she just doesn’t get it. She’s supposed to grow up and take responsibility. She’s supposed to make mom’s life easier not harder. Kyungsoo worries about his mother too. He calls her often even though she doesn’t pick up, tries and leaves her voice messages but they go unheard.

Jongin, his brilliant mind, tells him to write her letters so he does. She doesn’t respond at first but Kyungsoo finds comfort in writing to her and sending her pieces of his life. Then one day he gets a letter back and he’s so happy that he cries. His mother gets better. She’s trying again and she sends him cute things from her days too. He keeps all of them in a little box, tucked underneath his bed from his dad’s prying eyes. The letters help a lot but he misses her so much. He hopes that maybe he can see her soon and give her the biggest hug and kiss.

 

_2008_

Jongin is ignoring him and it makes Kyungsoo nervous. It’s not like him to not call Kyungsoo back and not open the door for him. He heard about the swim meet. Jongin didn’t make the national team. Kyungsoo doesn’t know what happened. Jongin was doing so well. He was so excited and he was so hopeful.

His dad is cracking down on him, telling him to focus on his studies, whisking him around parties and dinners to meet people. Connections are important, Kyungsoo gets that, but if he has to hear another golf story he might actually hit himself with a golf club. He just wants to lay in bed with his pajamas and watch Sunday cartoons with Jongin. He doesn’t want to meet another politician and listen to them drone on and on about how they won their election. He doesn’t care that much.

Kyungsoo has finally had enough after a long day of midterms and then his dad and stepmom booking up his entire weekend with golf games and tennis games and social outings with people that he have nothing in common with. The stress is getting to him. He’s had a migraine every single day this week and he’s pretty sure he’s slept for less than ten hours combined for the past four days. All he wants is his boyfriend. He wants for Jongin to stop ignoring him so they can cuddle and take a nap together and then cook dinner and maybe have sex if Jongin is up to it. He doesn’t care if Jongin is mopey about not making the team. He’ll cheer Jongin up. He’s always able to.

He bangs on the door for what seems like an hour, yelling Jongin’s name. It’s actually frustrating, being ignored for that long and he’s crying because he’s stressed and tired and overly emotional and all he wants is a hug from Jongin. He just really needs Jongin right now.

“What is wrong with you?” Kyungsoo asks, tears running down his eyes when the door finally gives and he can swing it open. “Why are you hiding from me?”

Jongin refuses to look at him, his back facing Kyungsoo. He hates seeing Jongin’s back like that. He wants to see Jongin’s face, look into his pretty eyes so he knows that everything is going to be okay.

“I don’t think I love you anymore,” Jongin says. Kyungsoo feels his entire body chill.

“What?” His voice cracks, as he asks for clarification.

“We need to break up,” Jongin says. “I don’t love you anymore.”

“Jongin,” Kyungsoo says his name, desperate, pleading. Kyungsoo doesn’t believe it. Jongin would never. He could think of a million scenarios but never this. Jongin can’t do this to him. It’s too sudden. He knows he’s been busy and gone a lot but has he really changed that much for Jongin to not love him anymore?

“Go home, Kyungsoo,” Jongin tells him. “Don’t come back here. I don’t want to see you anymore.” Jongin has never talked to Kyungsoo in that tone before, cold, distant, so impersonal.

“I hate you,” Kyungsoo says, a sob ripping through his throat because he’s just so over everything right now. “I really, really hate you right now, Kim Jongin.” He slams the door shut and runs down the hall and the stairs, covering his face with his arms so no one can see him crying.

He tries to see Jongin again two days later, to make up with him and talk things over. Jongin’s landlord says that he moved though and Kyungsoo is forced to accept it. Jongin doesn’t love him anymore. Jongin is gone. Kyungsoo feels like he’s drowning again, his life cramping up painfully, but this time he has no rescuer and he just keeps on sinking.

 

_2009_

He gets a letter from Jisoo, which is very odd. The first line slaps him in the harder than his dad did to Jisoo that one night. His mother is dead, died in a car accident. Jisoo gives him the funeral date and the address. It happened a week and a half ago. Kyungsoo is livid. He sees red as he drives down the highway, towards the town that he used to call home. He thinks that he could strangle Jisoo if he sees her.

There’s a sign in front of his old house. It’s been sold already and he feels like throwing up. It’s the first time he’s been here in years. He can’t believe that his mom won’t be here to welcome him home. He can’t believe that he never got to hug her again, smell that rosy perfume that she always liked to wear on her wrists. He finds Jisoo in the backyard, smoking a cigarette like usual.

“Really?” He asks her, approaching her and not even bothering with a hello. “Mom gets into an accident and dies and you decide to send a fucking letter to dad’s office instead of fucking calling me right away?”

“Nice to see you too, twin,” she says, blowing a ring of smoke into his face. She hasn’t changed. She’s still the same idiot Jisoo that he left in high school.

“Fuck you,” he tells her. “God, you are so fucking awful,” he pulls at his hair, so frustrated. “Why wouldn’t you fucking call me? Why would you send me a fucking letter? It takes so long for them to sort through that shit and for it to get to me. Why didn’t you just fucking call me the minute it happened?” He feels tears stinging at his eyes. He didn’t even get to say goodbye. He didn’t get to see her one last time. He’s never going to see his mom again and it’s all Jisoo’s fault.

“I thought you liked letters,” Jisoo tells him. “You and mom sent them to each other all the time.”

“What are you even fucking talking about?” Kyungsoo asks her, voice hoarse and raw.

“You never sent me letters,” Jisoo accuses him.

“You are such a selfish bitch,” Kyungsoo’s voice rings out. Of course this is what it’s about. Jisoo always makes everything about her. It was all a petty revenge act to get back at him. She wanted to be the only one to bury mom. She didn’t want him there at all.

“I’m not the one who never visited mom,” Jisoo snaps back at him. “You haven’t seen her since we were teenagers. I don’t know why she loved you so much. I don’t get why she always asked for _you_. You didn’t deserve her love.”

“You have no idea what I have to deal with back there,” Kyungsoo tells her. Stupid fucking interns, pushy bosses who do crap in the office and leave him to deal with all the paperwork, impossible deadlines to meet and expectations that he has to jump in order to touch.

“Oh yeah,” she scoffs, “Because living the rich boy life with your perfect daddy is _so_ difficult,” she mocks him. “You have all the money you could ever ask for, you shit on golden toilet seats and wipe your ass with cashmere sweaters. Mom and I _struggled_ but that didn’t matter to you as long as you were still daddy’s little good boy.”

“Shut the fuck up,” Kyungsoo grits through his teeth. “You’re just jealous that dad didn’t ever take you,” Kyungsoo says. “You’re pissed that you never got to run around with Gucci purses and designer shoes like you always dreamed of.” It’s always been about the money to her. Jisoo’s only ever cared about the fucking money and the luxury.

“Oh, you mean like that girl you’re seeing that the news is always reporting about,” Jisoo sneers.

“This isn’t about me,” Kyungsoo yells at her. He wasn’t even thinking about his girlfriend, the person his dad introduced to him months ago that he sees just so he can move on with his life.

“Yes it is!” Jisoo screams back. “This about you abandoning mom just like dad did!”

It’s like a hard, cold slap to his face. She doesn’t regret her words, breathing heavily as she stares down at Kyungsoo.

“I fucking hate you,” Kyungsoo says, the anger so hard in his voice. “Don’t you ever fucking contact me again. We’re through. I don’t care that you’re my twin. Mom’s not here anymore so I have nothing left that ties me to you. Have a good fucking life, Jisoo, because I’m out of it.” He stomps back to his car and drives down back to Seoul, his heartbeat speeding just as fast as his car. He hates Jisoo. He hates her so much.

 

_2011_

It’s been a long day in the office. Kyungsoo has his sleeves rolled up to his elbows, pen stains on his skin from where he’s smudged the paperwork he’s looking at. He wants to go home but he has to finish looking at this. He can’t wait to just flop onto his bed and sleep for the six hours he’s allowed until he has to be up again.

His office phone buzzes and he picks it up.

“There’s a call for you on line one, Mr. Doh,” his father’s secretary says.

“Did they leave a name?” He asks.

“No name but they said it was an emergency.”

“Okay, I’ll answer it. Thanks for letting me know.” He hangs up on her and clicks on the transfer line.

“Hello? This is Kyungsoo speaking,” he uses his business voice. It’s late and they usually don’t get calls into the office at this time so it must be important. There’s no answer though and he wrinkles his nose.

“Hello?” Kyungsoo repeats.

“Hi,” An achingly familiar voice says. Kyungsoo stops breathing. He knows that voice.

“Jongin?” Kyungsoo asks, almost in disbelief.

“It’s me,” Jongin confirms, his warm voice crackling through the receiver. “It’s Jongin.”

“It’s been a long time,” Kyungsoo says softly. It’s Jongin. He’s missed Jongin so much. He tries so hard not to think about Jongin but the other male has been the only person he’s ever loved like that. He still misses Jongin so much.

“I’m getting married tomorrow,” Jongin blurts out. Kyungsoo is stunned, blinking away tears that have unknowingly begun to gather in his eyes. Married. Jongin is getting married. He moved on.

“Congratulations,” Kyungsoo finally replies, his voice tight. “I’m happy for you.” He has to be a strong person. He should be happy that Jongin moved on. He’ll eventually move on too, right? No one ever ends up with their first love.

“To Jisoo,” Jongin whispers.

It takes Kyungsoo a few seconds to process that sentence. His blood has run cold, freezing like a river in the middle of February. He feels numb, like all the emotions have been sucked out of his veins, leaving him an empty shell of just nothing.

“Fuck you, Jongin,” Kyungsoo says, low and quiet, maliciously. He slams the phone down, his desk shaking at the force before he buries his face into his hands and cries. Out of all the people in the world, Jongin was marrying Jisoo. What have they been doing while Kyungsoo was miserable here in the corporate and political world? Were they really that happy together that they were getting married? Was everyone going to be happy but him? Had it been Jisoo all along? For all these years, was Jongin really like all those other guys, only in it to get Jisoo in the end?

 

_July 5th, 2018_

“And sir, you have a tuxedo fitting next week,” his secretary informs him, reading off the clipboard that she always carries around with her.

“Again?” Kyungsoo sighs, loosening his tie to help relieve the crick in his neck. “How many fittings do I need? It’s not like I’m going to gain fifty pounds in the next three months.”   
“This will be the third of four,” she informs him. “The last one will be two weeks before the wedding, just in case there does have to be any adjustments made.”

“Anything else I need to know about?” Kyungsoo asks. “About the wedding or my job?” Miho has been a real bridezilla lately, wanting everything about their wedding to be perfect. Kyungsoo doesn’t really care as long as he gets that month long break that everyone calls a honeymoon. He needs to get out of the city and get some fresh air. All the stress and useless interns will still be here when he gets back. He won’t miss them at all.

“There’s some presidential mail that you could read,” she tells him. “Your father’s secretary delivered the ones addressed to you this afternoon. I think they start dating back to almost a year.”

“Jesus Christ,” Kyungsoo says. “A year ago?”

“They receive so many letters every day and it takes forever for the interns at the Blue House to sort through them, especially since each one has to be scanned in case of biochemical threats,” she reminds him. “Plus your father’s mailing office did switch buildings eight months ago too. Some things got lost during the move.”

“I know,” he nods. “Have some of those Seoul Uni brats organize them by date and then bring them into my office. With their brains they should be able to get it done within the hour. I’ll start reading them after my conference call with that client in Jeju.”

“Noted, sir. Would you like me to order you lunch too?” She asks.

“Please,” he massages his forehead. “Get me that green curry from the Thai restaurant down the road, and tell them to take it easy on the sauce. Last time it was spilling out of the take out box.”

“Yes, sir,” she nods again.  

“And Yoojin,” he calls for her one last time. She turns to look at him. “Thank you. You’re a wonderful secretary.” She really is.

“Only my best for a wonderful boss,” she bows at him before closing the door.

 

The conference call with the clients in Jeju goes well as expected. Kyungsoo has to have Yoojin book them a flight into Seoul for the next week so they can meet in person and go over the case together. Miho sends him a text, asking him when he’s free so they can go cake tasting. He’s so confused because he’s pretty damn sure they decided on the strawberry filling for the second tier so he’s not sure why she’s dragging him out again. There’s a knock on the door and he gives them permission to come in. It’s one of the interns, a political science major at Seoul University. He’s a total suck up but Kyungsoo thinks he’s got potential.

“Here’s your mail, Mr. Doh,” he says, wheeling a small cart in full of colorful envelopes. “We’ve sorted them from earliest to latest date just like you asked.”

“Thank you,” he nods at the young man. “You can just leave it there and I’ll handle it from here.”

“Yes, Mr. Doh,” the student bows before turning around and trying to close the door as gently as he can. Kyungsoo watches through the glass as he walks away, a hop to his step.

He stands up and grabs the first chunk of letters, tearing the envelopes open with his letter opener and reading them. Some are from prospective law students, telling him how much they admire him and asking for advice. Others are from parents who have worries about the changes in the college entrance exam that his father has enforced and would like his support and reassurance that it won’t affect their children who have already been preparing for years. He gets a cute one from a five year old who has just learned how to write. The girl learned that Kyungsoo likes penguins and she just really wanted to draw him a penguin. It makes him smile and he plans on hanging it up on his wall. He sorts the letters into two stacks, one for him to respond to when he has the time and another to just file and put away for archival purposes.

Then he picks up a blue envelope addressed to him as _Doh Kyungsoo_ and not _Mr. Doh_ or _Lawyer Doh._ The return address is topped with _Jisoo._ Kyungsoo pauses. It couldn’t be.

He holds the envelope in his hands, turning it over and over again and running his fingers over the edges. The stamp looks so familiar, like one he bought for his mom a long time ago. Jisoo. Why would she write to him? They haven’t talked to each other in so long. He hasn’t thought about her in years.

He fiddles with it some more, his leg bouncing up and down as he chews on the end of his pen, an old habit he’s never been able to get rid of. Then he grabs the letter opener and he tears through the top of envelope before he can change his mind. The handwriting looks familiar already and he holds his breath and begins to read it.

 

_Again, I’m sorry for everything and I love you._

 

_-Jisoo_

 

Kyungsoo is crying by the time he’s done reading, turning the page around in case there’s anything else on the back. There’s nothing. That idiot. Jisoo was always such an idiot. Here she was dying and she wrote him a letter. He told her to fucking call him. He didn’t want a letter. He wanted a goddamn phone call. He stills all of a sudden, realizing that her letter was towards the top. That means it was sent almost a year ago. Jisoo wrote to him almost a year ago.

He feels the anxiety swell up in his chest. A year ago. What if she wasn’t even alive anymore? What if Jisoo had died already too? Does he not get to say goodbye again? And Jongin. What about Jongin? And he has a nephew, Taeho is his name. That’s Jisoo’s son and also Jongin’s but not really Jongin’s.

He needs to go. He needs to get out of here right now and find them. He needs to go see Jisoo before it’s too late, if it’s not already too late. He grabs the envelope before getting up and leaving the office. He doesn’t even take his suit jacket and nearly jams the button on the elevator waiting for it to come up. Fuck having an office on the top floor. Yoojin isn’t at her desk. Kyungsoo will call her later and let her know where he is.

He punches the address into his GPS and follows the automated voice’s directions blindly. It leads him three hours away up towards a rough trail in the woods. It’s raining down really hard in this part of the country and Kyungsoo can barely see through his wipers swiping at his windshield. It’s so muddy here, his wheels keep getting stuck but he has to keep on going. He needs to go see Jisoo. He needs to see Jongin, meet Taeho. He’s not even sure if he’s on a road anymore, just following where the GPS is telling him to go. This is so fucking weird. There has to be a better road out there. Why the hell is his GPS leading him through such a tiny, undeveloped trail. There’s ditch that he can’t see but he can definitely feel it when his car runs through it. He loses control of the wheel, his body lurching forward as he crashes into a tree trunk.

When he wakes up the rain is lighter. His body aches all over the place but he unbuckles himself and climbs out of car. His GPS is shattered, trash now, but he remembers the map it displayed and the final destination. He’s almost there. He just has to find that fucking train tunnel. He has to find that place. He can barely walk but he drags his feet as best as he can, slipping a few times, falling and scratching his arms on branches. He can see it, the train tunnel. He’s almost there. He’s going to make it. He’s going to see Jisoo again and Jongin. He’ll see them again. His vision begins to blur though and his head gets so light, his entire body swaying in one direction. He tries to touch the walls of the tunnel, to brace himself, center himself so he can keep going. He misses though, just a little short and he falls, his head thunking against the gray brick. He was almost there. He was going to see them again.

 

Back in Seoul, Yoojin nervously stares at the elevator waiting for it to ding at any moment. It’s been hours since she brought her boss’s lunch into his empty office, assuming that he left for just a quick moment. The curry has gone cold by now, cold for far too many hours and she is so worried. He would have called her if he were leaving early. He’s never like this. He never just doesn’t show up or at least sends an email or _something_ , even a sticky note posted on her desk. His jacket is still in there too but his phone and car keys are missing. She glances at the clock. It’s nearing midnight and her lip is raw and red from where she’s been chewing on it but the elevator finally dings. She lets out a breath of relief but then it’s only the janitor, coming up to mop the floor.

“You’re still here?” He asks her. “Everyone else has left already. Security has already switched shifts.”

The clock turns to a new day and Yoojin feels like crying. She is so getting fired after she makes this phone call.

“I think I need to call the President,” she tells him, shaking as she picks up her desk phone and pressing in the numbers that she was told to dial only in the case of an extreme emergency. “Mr. Doh is missing.”

 

_August 25, 2018_

“Yoojin, how fast can you get me a GPS?” Kyungsoo bursts through his office doors, startling the girl.

“Mr. Doh, what do you need to a GPS for?” She asks, calming her heart down. Wait, he called her Yoojin.

“I’m the one asking the questions,” he reminds her. “Now how fast?”

“I’ll have one of the interns grab it from one of the company cars,” she tells him, already dialing in a number.

“Good,” he smiles. “Tell those brats that I’m going to be timing them. First one up gets a bonus.”

 

“Junmyeon,” Jongin sighs, “what are you doing here?”

“Making sure you’re alive,” Junmyeon says, pretending to dust the TV stand even though its clean. Its the tenth time Junmyeon has dusted it in the past two hours. Jongin would be surprised if dust ever settled on it again.

“I’m alive,” Jongin waves his arms around. “You can go home now.”

“Jongin,” it’s Junmyeon’s turn to sigh. “You’re alive but you’re not living.”

“You said you were making sure I was _alive_ ,” Jongin reminds him.

“Well I change my mind,” Junmyeon pouts. “I have to make sure you’re living too.”

“You know, I really appreciated you and Sehun being around the first few days but it’s been weeks,” Jongin says. “Taeho and I are going to be okay. We’re fine now.”

“You burned the eggs this morning,” Junmyeon says. “I had to slather it in ketchup for me to even swallow it.”

“I always burn the eggs,” Jongin grumbles. “Its my signature dish.”

“Besides,” Junmyeon hops over to the picture frames and begins to dust those. “I made a promise and I have to keep it, otherwise I’ll be in big trouble and Sehun and I will lose the bar and then we’ll really have to move in with you and trust me, you don’t want that.”

“Promise?” Jongin asks. “With who?”

Junmyeon sets down his duster and walks over to Jongin, joining him on the couch.

“I haven’t told you yet because I didn’t know how to say it,” Junmyeon begins, “but Kyungsoo came and saw me that day.”

Jongin stares at Junmyeon waiting for him to go on.

“He baked me a strawberry cheesecake,” Junmyeon smiles fondly. “Just like Jisoo’s. Back then, he already knew who he really was. I don’t know if he remembered but he knew that he was the President’s son. I think he had realized that his time with you guys was almost up and he made me promise that I was going to take care of you guys when he left. He swore that he would come back up here and wreak havoc in my bar if he heard about you or Taeho getting hurt. I just wasn’t expecting him to leave _that_ day.”

“How long did he know?” Jongin asks, his throat going dry just thinking of Kyungsoo.

“I don’t know,” Junmyeon shakes his head. “I’m guessing he knew for a while though because he was so calm about it. He probably had time to let it all sink in and plan his next steps.”

“He knew, but he still stayed with us?” Jongin asks, the realization making his heart ache.

“Till the very end,” Junmyeon nodded, “until he couldn’t anymore. Then it was up to me to take care of you guys. He made me _pinky_ promise and that’s a big deal, Jongin. You can’t break a pinky promise.”

There’s the sound of the front door swinging open and they both look up. It’s Sehun, not even concealing his look of guilt and worry.

“Umm, guys,” he says, mildly breathless. “I think I lost Taeho.”

 

“How could you lose a seven year old in his own yard!” Junmyeon says as he lifts one of overturned pots to see if his nephew could fit under there. “You were supposed to help him build an enclosure where he could leave food for the bunnies, not play extreme hide and seek!”

“I swear, I turned around for two seconds and he was gone,” Sehun says. “I didn’t know he was that fast of a runner.”

“What happened the last time you saw him?” Jongin asks, trying to keep calm. Taeho couldn’t have gone far. He might even just be in the shed, getting more tools for his new bunny feeding camp.

“I was playing around with him,” Sehun says. “I told him that carrots were good for his eyesight and tried to take a bite out of one of them and he snatched it away from me and said it was for the bunnies. Then I took some water out of the bunny feeder and drizzled it over his head for fun and I turned around to grab the scissors for the fence and when I looked again, he was gone.”

Jongin stops and thinks, trying to figure out where in the hell his son could have hopped off to. Then it hits him. Sehun drizzled water over his head. Taeho must have thought it was raining. Taeho went to go find the raindrop train.

 

The further Kyungsoo drives the more he recognizes the scenery that he glazed by when he first rushed up here. The GPS tells him to keep on going straight but Kyungsoo sees it, the small trail that he had driven up the first time. He turns his wheel to go that direction. The GPS is rerouting telling him to go back. It’s a dead end in that direction. Kyungsoo shuts the GPS off. He knows where he’s going.

The drive is bumpy on the unpaved trail but Kyungsoo trucks through it more easily this time since there’s no mud sticking to his wheels. It takes a bit but then he sees a tree with a big hole in it. That must have been where he crashed. The ditch is probably coming up. He parks the car and gets out and just a few feet in front of him is the ditch. It’s huge, no wonder it had thrown Kyungsoo’s car off track. He’s lucky he even survived that. He doesn’t take more time to examine the scene, running along the trail until he can find the train tunnel. He doesn’t slip this time, the ground firm and dry from the sun and everything is so green and the air is fresh. He can feel it that he’s almost there. It’s farther than he thought. How had he been able to find the tunnel when he was half passed out? He thinks that maybe he’s gotten lost this time, maybe he took the wrong turn. Then he can see it, a distant gray structure with a dark hole in the center. It’s the tunnel. He’s almost there.

 

“Taeho?” Jongin says, seeing his little boy sitting on the edge of the abandoned train station again, tapping his toes against the dirt.

“Dad?” Taeho asks, looking up at him. His hair is starting to fall into his eyes. Taeho needs a haircut soon. Junmyeon should have pointed that out. ‘ _So much for taking care of us_ ,’ he laughs in his head.

“What are you doing here, buddy?” Jongin sits down next to him.

“I’m waiting for the raindrop train,” Taeho answers, like its obvious.

“You do know that it wasn’t actually raining, right?” Jongin asks him.

“Shh,” he holds up a finger to Jongin’s lips. “Don’t say that. Sehun was trying to trick the raindrop fairy.”

“Uncle Sehun,” Jongin corrects him.

“Maybe the raindrop fairy did get tricked,” Taeho says. “And she’s sending the raindrop train from Cloudland right now.”

“Do you think mommy will be on the train?” Jongin asks him.

“I don’t know who will be on the train,” Taeho answers. “But it will be nice if we were here to greet them.”

“You’re right,” Jongin ruffles his hair and kisses the top of his head. It smells clean. Taeho has been so good at washing himself lately. “We can wait for a little bit and see if it comes.” Taeho smiles at Jongin and nods.

They talk while they wait. Taeho is excited to set up his bunny feeding camp so that the bunnies will come into their yard and he can count how many of them are in the family. They’re also releasing the butterflies soon at school. He wants Jongin to come so he can see it too. Jongin promises to take the day off, so this time he can eat pizza with Taeho in his class. Taeho asks how much longer Uncle Junmyeon is going to be in their house, dusting things that don’t need to be dusted. Jongin laughs and says not for much longer. They’re going to be okay, him and Taeho. They’ll be just fine.

“Dad,” Taeho says, looking down the empty tracks again. “Should we go home?”

“Already?” Jongin asks. “But the raindrop train hasn’t come yet.”

“I don’t think it’s coming this time,” Taeho shakes his head. “Maybe it won’t ever come again.”

“Does that make you sad?” Jongin asks.

“Yes,” Taeho nods, honestly. “But we can’t wait forever for it. We need to enjoy the sun too and not just wait for the rain.”

“You are so smart,” Jongin tells him, pulling him in for a hug. “My smart boy.”

“Let’s go home,” Taeho says, holding his hand out to Jongin. “Before Uncle Junmyeon decides to introduce his dust bunnies to my bunnies.” Jongin laughs and takes Taeho’s hand.

They’re walking down the trail when Jongin hears it.

“Taeho!” Someone is faintly calling. Taeho pauses and turns around. He hears it too.

“Taeho!” His name is called again, this time a little louder. Jongin thinks he’s going delusional but Taeho is looking at him like he recognizes it too.

“Daddy?” the little boy whispers and then he takes off, back towards the tunnel and Jongin is following him.

 

Kyungsoo can see them, two distant figures walking further away from him. He’s so close to them but he can’t run fast enough. He calls for Jongin but the tunnel drowns out his voice and they’re getting further from him. Then he calls for Taeho’s name and he calls for the boy again as he continues to run.

A small figure gets bigger and bigger as it comes towards him and Kyungsoo breaks through the train tunnel and out into the sun again, opening his arms and pausing right before they collide and Taeho is crashing into his body, holding him so tightly. Kyungsoo is squeezing him, making sure that it’s really him and that this isn’t some cruel dream he’ll wake up from in that lonely bed in that bare room.

“Daddy?” Taeho is crying, burying his head into Kyungsoo’s neck. “Is it really you, daddy?”

“It’s me, baby,” Kyungsoo tells him. “I’m here. I came back. I’m right here.” He’s on the verge of tears too. Oh his Taeho is here. He’s found them again.

“Kyungsoo,” he hears next. He looks up just enough to see Jongin staring at him, like he’s walked out of a book.

“Jongin,” Kyungsoo sobs because it’s been years since he’s really seen Jongin like this and he remembers it now. He gets all of it. He knows why Jongin did it. His first love is standing in front of him and so much has changed but Jongin is still looking at him the same way he did during the night they visited the aquarium.

Jongin doesn’t take a second longer and he crushes both Kyungsoo and Taeho in his arms, holding them tight and kissing away their tears, rubbing Kyungsoo’s back and telling Taeho that it’s okay, he’s okay, _they’re_ okay.

They walk back to the house and stop to take a break on the log that they also sat on so many weeks ago. Taeho is sitting in Kyungsoo’s lap, clingy as ever and he won’t let go of the other male. Kyungsoo is holding onto Jongin’s hand, squeezing it just tight enough. He won’t let go either. Jongin doesn’t want him to let go. He thought he was okay but he really doesn’t know how he can take it if Kyungsoo lets go again.

“You really came back,” Taeho says, snuggling against Kyungsoo.

“I did,” Kyungsoo nods, kissing Taeho’s forehead.

“Are you going back to Cloudland?” the little boy worries already. Jongin holds his breath, waiting for Kyungsoo’s answer.

“No,” Kyungsoo smiles, leaning against Jongin’s chest. “I’m going to stay right here with you and dad. I’m not going anywhere.” Jongin nuzzles against his hair. It feels so right. He loves Kyungsoo so much.

“The raindrop fairy won’t get mad at you?” Taeho asks.

“No,” Kyungsoo shakes his head. “Because she didn’t send me here.”

“Well, who did then?” Taeho wonders.

“Mommy did,” Kyungsoo answers. “And she wants me to stay for a very long time. So I’m going to stay for a very, very long time.” Jongin smiles, and turns Kyungsoo’s head for a kiss. Cloudland can wait for them because they have their very own piece of heaven right here.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you've made it this far, thank you for reading! This is one of my favorite fics that I have written and it holds a special place in my heart so I really hoped you enjoyed it too. Please watch the movie if you have the time!


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